The Ultimate Incentive muddles along

Medication but not working, the ones that have worked have come with significant side effects - think sleeping 20 hours a day and still tired, the ones that he can live with hardly work. Angry with life, just stropping, swearing, barbed comments, feel like none of us can do anything right. Mum and dad are aware of his condition, and mum is to some extent aware I'm considering leaving, but I don't want to, I want to get him back not walk away.

Luckily the kids see very little of it, he is pretty good at just going silent when needed. Mum thinks I'm right to say I'll hold out until his diagnosis psych appointment in february, maybe if he's finally diagnosed they can treat it. But I have told him where I stand when he was in a normal mood (because it isn't all the time, since I told him he's actually been calm for a few days, although the depression took over this evening and he was in bed before the kids), so at least he knows he tries to do what he can or there isn't a hope.

He just wants to be well, I can see how frustrating it must be to feel so out of control, in many ways its a negative spiral, he gets angry that he can't control his anger! I feel like we're just loosing years to this black hole, our kids won't be kids forever and he's missing it. They don't miss out, my mum and I take them places, give them so many experiences, NIM has actually started to be better now he's finally realized getting out of the house also often means getting out of his head, but you can't always be out doing fun stuff, you need to be in control when you're doing mundane day to day crap too.

And in other, money news, the company we've hired a car off for January has gone into administration. Thankfully booked it on a credit card just in case, but now need to work out how to get the money back.

They are happy, if they were really struggling I would have them gone in a heartbeat. They get upset sometimes because daddy's parenting style is stricter than mine, but I don't think that's a depression/anger thing so much as it is a difference in personality. I'm a lot more huggy and new age than he is. It's only really me and him that struggle but trying very hard to get through it with our family intact, since that is what we both want.

Going out for the day tomorrow with my best friend, her daughters (my two children's best friends very helpfully) and her husband, end the year on a high. We do a lot as a 6, and NIM even meets my friend and her kids at soft play sometimes when I'm working and she suggests a meetup, she has significant depression and anxiety too so it's good for them to talk. This will be the first time the husbands have come and we've been an 8. Hopefully it'll go well, we all seem to get on and more hands are always better with 4 under 5s!

Should really go to bed but it is very addictive seeing all the emails come through for bookings onto my courses. I've had two requests today for a daytime session, I just need to work out if it's viable and also which days I will have Ben in nursery today.

Managed to ruin Ben's life today. Took him for new shoes. Wouldn't let him buy the 'tebby bear slippas - look so cute!' because 1 - they're not outdoor shoes and 2 - they were only available in a size 2 and he's a 5.5. He threw himself under the shoe racks and sobbed. While clutching two slippers and kissing them.

Dad called this morning, he's stepping back from Etsy as he has too much on his plate. So I'm buying a mug press and subli printer off him (for a staggering £20 for a £400 press), he will keep doing the flat bed press items for now (baby vests, tshirts etc) and when we've saved up a few more pennies he'll buy a bigger flatbed and sell me this one, so I'll have a full little sublimation set-up going here. Oh and Amazon have suggested I join their free self publishing programme to get my book made into a real book. May need to finally write the sequel since I've had emails off complete strangers (scary that they can find me?!) asking for it! Feels like self-employment is finally starting to come together.