Renovations and Repayments.

newgirly · 7 June 2016 at 6:15AM

AlexLK wrote: »

You're right about my parents. My father told me the only reason they bothered having a child was to pass on what they have and to have someone to look after them in old age. Apparently, they are the only benefits of having a child rather than a dog. They have very clear expectations of me.

I can seem no reason why you admire your father, that seems very cruel. Why would tolerate this kind of relationship except to punish yourself. Caring parents do not speak that way it's the polar opposite of how I feel, I don't want to be a burden to my children.

At the end of the day, your parents have NO control over you and your future, you choose to think they do

Maybe a compromise would be possible with you and your dw? If she shared control over the spending with you (not overspending herself) until you both felt like equal partners. When the time came to take on all your parents interests you could give her some reponsibilty for it? Ie. She gets just as much as a say in things as you?

In my unwanted opinion..........

Keep the business interests, you run them from a fabulous home by the sea in Cornwall.

Dw goes part time working locally - more time together with little k

Sell your parents home to pay for new large home with land for horses

Get yourselves a motor home and explore

Everybody happy, parents legacy still partly continuing

You have started a NEW adventure :T

Just my thoughts

A_Frayed_Knot · 7 June 2016 at 7:44AM

AlexLK wrote: »

Yes, your way off key AFK. My father talks of my obligations all the time and what I am to do.

Thanks re. holiday. Not much decluttering done today but put a few items up for sale and managed to go through one cupboard.

I deal with the rental properties on a day to day basis and have no problem handling tenants and properly maintaining the buildings. I follow the market and keep informed about laws and regulations. Can't see the need to sell and pay someone a commission for something I can do myself.

You managed to put a few things up for sale :T - more than me, didn't manage anything

Let someone else take the hassle, small price to pay to give you more time to do what you want and spend it with your family, another bonus is you wouldn't be on call 24/7. Maybe your parents would also realise just how much you have been doing for them in the past. Would give you more time to spend with your family, which in turn must give you some happiness.

Listen and think about what Newgirly has said. Think about it.

LadyGnome · 7 June 2016 at 10:03AM

Alex

The people posting here don't want to see you sitting alone in the big house. They don't want you to have to explain to your son why your marriage broke up at least partly because you put your parents' wishes first, breaking up his stable family home. Is a house really worth your marriage and your son's stability?

You talk of obligations; this seems less noblesse oblige and more FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt).

You had a lovely holiday until you let your parents intrude into it. You need to think what would be in the best interests of your family as a whole. Was your childhood in the big house so idyllic when your Dad draws a comparison between having a child and having a dog?
Please think about what makes you truly happy and protect that.

maman · 7 June 2016 at 11:06AM

newgirly wrote: »

I can seem no reason why you admire your father, that seems very cruel. Why would tolerate this kind of relationship except to punish yourself.

Just to throw in my two penn'orth:

Alex, it seems you admire your father (and mother) because they worked hard and made a shedload of money.

That's not so dreadful in itself but the effect it's had on your own self esteem and way of looking at the world has been disastrous. While I can make some allowances for your father because of his age, ill health and generation, constantly rubbing in his expectations and reminding you of obligations is unkind and not helping you at all. You do stand up to him occasionally (such as going to Cornwall) but generally you're still of the same mindset.

Although you and MrsK are doing really well for yourselves by most people's standards it's never good enough for you measured against what you could provide if you were as wealthy as your parents. Although over the last couple of years you have come to appreciate other things as important (like the love and happiness of LittleK) you're still wedded to the idea that unless he has the big house and private education that you can't afford to provide you've failed him in some way.

MrsK knows that you're perfectly able to live a comfortable, independent life in your own home on what you earn between you. You, on the other hand, seem determined to 'jump the gun' and move into your parents home ASAP to free you from all financial worries (and 'pay back' your parents for digging you out of a hole some years back) rather than deal with the inheritance somewhere further down the line. What does MrsK think about inheriting at the 'normal' time?

Goldiegirl · 7 June 2016 at 3:08PM

AlexLK wrote: »

You're right about my parents. My father told me the only reason they bothered having a child was to pass on what they have and to have someone to look after them in old age. Apparently, they are the only benefits of having a child rather than a dog. They have very clear expectations of me.

I used to view money as a shared commodity until my wife decided it was not. :rotfl:

It's all rather more complicated, AFK.

I'm not happy and likely won't ever be. I've faced that.

That is a terribly cruel thing for your father to say. Yet you still appear to be intending to fulfil their expectations of you, in spite of the way they regard you.

I think you regard money as a control thing - your parents have the money so they control you. Not surprisingly this has affected your way of thinking. You say your wife has decided that money is not a shared commodity in your marriage. In another post you implied that when you have the inheritance 'your wife won't be able to call all the shots'. It doesn't sound healthy - there's more than a whiff of you having the money will put you in the driving seat.

A healthy attitude would be that all themoney belongs to both of you, including the inheritance when it happens, and you jointly decide the future - but clearly this will never happen if you cling to the belief that you have to fulfil your destiny that your parents have ordained for you.

This dynasty that your parents have decided they want to found is incredibly vain and narcissistic. It's a crying shame that they expect you to sacrifice your happiness on the altar of their vanity...... and an even bigger shame that you feel you have no alternative except to make this sacrifice, at the expense of your wife and child.

You could have a wonderful life..... but you are apparently hell bent on this destructive course. You've had many people, from your wife to all the people who've posted on your thread, all different ages and backgrounds, trying to give advice and make suggestions. Yet the only point of view you take notice of is your parents. But after a lifetime of it, I suppose it's not surprising really. They really have achieved their aims!

I'm sad for you, Alex

A_Frayed_Knot · 7 June 2016 at 6:38PM

Saw today - car window sign

Be Kind to your Kids
They choose your Nursing Home

Appeals to my SOH :rotfl:

ourcornercottage · 7 June 2016 at 9:28PM

Reading all this makes me so sad

Money buys nothing but freedom. Be mindful of this.

End of the day it's your choice, not ours, not your parents, yours.

Watty1 · 8 June 2016 at 3:36PM

Have just had long catch up. Alex some of this is so sad. You have so much ahead of you, including the possibility of financial freedom, but also so much unhappiness.
I guess money really doesn't buy happiness. You seem so tied in to the future your parents mapped out.
And yet this thread has so much care and concern for you, so many people are posting giving ideas and different points of view that it really is heartwarming to see a community caring.
So hope you see that and can hear the options. Ultimately if your parents love you, if they see you when you cross to the other side they might just admire your choice to sell up totally and take Mrs K to live in a beach hut in sunny tropical lands - or - whatever you decide - or whatever choice you do make. Maybe they will have fun watching you when the 'cross over' and say "well I never thought he would do that - but -it worked for him"

newgirly · 13 June 2016 at 5:26PM

Hope all is ok Alex? you have not been back for a while

AlexLK · 14 June 2016 at 11:45PM

Things aren't great, to be honest. I've not fallen out with my wife but have with my father. It seems he didn't respect my wishes about how my wife and I wished to discipline our son. Now my mother is constantly calling and trying to get me to apologise to father. :rotfl: :mad: Father has told me I can forget being paid to look after their interests and will "be glad to" take on the responsibility for no reward unless I apologise and accept I am wrong. Nothing like working for family, eh? :rotfl:

My son has been very upset and I've not been very well over the past few days as a consequence of this happening. Though above all I don't want my son's lasting memory of his grandfather to be this one.

Anyhow, finances wise things have been good (apart from the downturn in income). We've not been spending a great deal and made a £100 overpayment today.

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