Renovations and Repayments.

LadyGnome

Alex

If my husband prioritised his parents' wishes over mine I think my marriage wouldn't last either. You seem to be in thrall to your parents and their vision for the family. They made their choices and lived the lives they chose to lead but now they seem to be taking that freedom away from you as you feel obligated to follow the path they have set out.

To give an example from my own life. I pay school fees for both my children. I expect them to work hard whilst they are in school. However, when they are adults they can make their own choices. It was my choice to send them to fee paying schools, they don't owe me and have to pay me back by following a particular path in life. All I aim to do is give them opportunities and options but it is up to them to decide what they want to do. When they are children I can control their lives but when they are adults it would be wrong of me to continue to do so.

Goldiegirl

LadyGnome wrote: »

Alex

You seem to be in thrall to your parents and their vision for the family.

That is exactly the word I had in mind. This thraldom is bad enough, but it seems that they will keep this hold over Alex from beyond the grave. It is very sad, really

Goldiegirl

Alex, you are not Prince William - you haven't been born into a pre-ordained destiny.


You have full control over your future.


You can't help that you were born to your parents, and that they intend leaving their money to you.


But when that happens, you and your wife can do anything you want with the money. You could put some in trust for your son, you and your wife could buy a nice house that you both like anywhere in the country, you could carry on your parents business or sell it all and start another one. With her skills and qualifications, your wife could work anywhere in the country - anywhere in the world in fact.


When the time comes, you will still have a legacy to leave to your son, and he in his turn can do whatever he wants with it.


Your parents have indoctrinated you Alex, and it seems the time is approaching when you are going to have to make a choice - your parents or your wife. You seem to think you have no choice, and it's up to your wife how long the marriage lasts. That's not the case - you both have a say in it, and if you start listening to your wife and not your parents, I think you have a good chance of staying together. As I said, many women would have given up by now.



Incidentally, assuming you and your wife are still together when you inherit, in your mind, who will all the money belong to?

Goldiegirl

AlexLK wrote: »

She objects to money that I have, according to her, "not earnt". Further, she doesn't want to move to my parents'. To cut a long story short, she doesn't see the point in saving / overpaying as apparently she sees the marriage as being unable to last due to what will happen in the future.

I wish to save and overpay as much as we can because it would be nice to add another couple of rental properties to the portfolio from the proceeds of selling this house rather than getting a small sum of equity and the rest being used to pay the mortgage. She'd rather be squirrelling away what we do have for herself.

In most marriages, money is regarded as a shared commodity, so it's very telling that you regard your family money as 'yours', rather than 'ours'


Your vision of the future includes using 'her' money for your purposes, so you can get another couple of rental properties, for a future she feels she's not going to be around to share.


Looking at it from her point of view, no wonder she's baulking at your ideas. Your money is yours, and doesn't belong to both of you, yet you seem to regard her money as belonging to you , to invest in your future.


No wonder, under the circumstances she'd prefer to keep her own money to put away for her future, when she leaves you ( as you feel you have no control over the future, we'll have to consider her leaving you as pre-ordained)

A_Frayed_Knot

More and more elderly are living to ripe old ages of 90+, so how old would that make you when your parents are in their 90's

And from reading your diary, you seem to be prepared to sit and wait. Ever thought that your son grows up quickly, your parents change their mind and leave it all to Little ALK.


All these properties, the Big House and the money, means nothing if your not happy and with your cosy family unit - Most if not all, would give up everything to be with their loved ones and happy.

slowlyfading

What happens if, in the end, if it's just you in a big house all alone?

AlexLK

newgirly wrote: »

It's a shame you can't see things from the same perspective as the people who have commented on your diary. I think we can all see you feel very obligated towards your parents (most of us do!) but to prioritise them over your own wife is very unusual. They seem more important than your own family unit?

After a successful holiday with your son, do you not feel very protective over the little family you have created, surely that is more important than pleasing your parents, to put it bluntly you are willing to risk your marriage and you both being there for your son as he grows for the sake of a house?

Why does respecting what your parents have built mean taking over their lives, running their business and living in their home. Could it not mean teaching your son how much they achieved, being proud of them and investing the money in other ways and moving on with your lives?

I don't put my parents before my wife and son. My father didn't want me to go on this holiday in case I was needed and too far away from home. I went anyway.

My parents have very clear ideas for what I am to do. I spent the best part of my twenties trying to avoid my parents which didn't work out well.

A_Frayed_Knot wrote: »

First of all, glad you had a really good holiday and the weather was kind. Delighted to read you are decluttering, a decluttered house, is a decluttered mind - so they say :)Reading with interest, and agree with most of what is being said.
Have you ever thought that your parents may be keeping up all the properties for You, maybe they think, well we can't sell now as we promised ALK this and that. It could be that all this at their stage in life. that they are a burden that they would be glad to see the back of.

Sell up, have a nice easy life, with who you want and where you want. Life is far too short to be doing something that someone else wants you to do. You have to live your own life. I don't by any means, cutting off your parents, would it not be fun for little ALK to visit them, making it an adventure.

I know we all have to do things we don't want to, like work, pay bills etc but this doesn't stop us having a life. You are in a more fortunate place than a lot I know.

It's happened to me, albeit, several small occasions, in the past, where my parents have held onto "things" cause I may have made a comment on it at the time. When we actually get down to having a nitty gritty conversation about it, we were both under the impression that each other wanted the said item, and ended up, nobody wanted it.

So what I'm trying to say, that what you or your parents wanted a while ago, minds change, life changes, and opportunities change, mostly for the better at times, too.

Probably way off key here.

Yes, your way off key AFK. My father talks of my obligations all the time and what I am to do.

Thanks re. holiday. Not much decluttering done today but put a few items up for sale and managed to go through one cupboard.

choccielover wrote: »

Agree with all this.

I'm afraid you can't see this from any perspective except your very narrow one Alex, and even more afraid little LK will repeat the mistakes that you have made in life. You seem to have such very little expectations for him, despite talking about giving him a good education. It's not normal for a child to grow up with the knowledge that they needn't do anything useful or productive for the rest of their lives....isn't that where your parents went wrong with you?
Newgirly makes an excellent point, would not liquidating the asset base and handing it to wealth managers to look after be the safest thing for the family gold....thereby freeing you up to do something you actually enjoy, little LK not being bubble wrapped by money and perhaps saving your marriage/family.

Perhaps you could try, just for a moment to see outside your own bubble and understand what Mrs LK is saying. You are so derogatory about her inheritance being a third of very little, but from where I'm sitting that has afforded her significantly more freedom than the shackles of money you have laid at your door.

I only want my son to be happy. There's no expectation for him to chase money, only an expectation for him to do what interests him. I want him to study hard and become knowledgeable in whatever discipline(s) interests him as he grows up. I don't want him to be obliged to study a discipline for the sake of money at the expense of his well being. I wouldn't be impressed if he decided to sit at home all day and do absolutely nothing.

I deal with the rental properties on a day to day basis and have no problem handling tenants and properly maintaining the buildings. I follow the market and keep informed about laws and regulations. Can't see the need to sell and pay someone a commission for something I can do myself.

I am in no way being derogatory about my wife's future inheritance and have no idea where you got that idea from.

AlexLK

gallygirl wrote: »

Well said CL, plus all the other posters.

Basically Alex, it seems to be a choice between your parent's house and your marriage. Which is more important to you?

If you are so desperate to keep the house in the family, when the time comes how about spending some money doing it up and then letting it as a corporate let? That way it would still be there if your wife feels differently at some future date.

Gally, this is about much more than my parents' house. She cannot deal with the idea that at some point she's no longer going to be able to call all the shots.

LadyGnome wrote: »

Alex

If my husband prioritised his parents' wishes over mine I think my marriage wouldn't last either. You seem to be in thrall to your parents and their vision for the family. They made their choices and lived the lives they chose to lead but now they seem to be taking that freedom away from you as you feel obligated to follow the path they have set out.

To give an example from my own life. I pay school fees for both my children. I expect them to work hard whilst they are in school. However, when they are adults they can make their own choices. It was my choice to send them to fee paying schools, they don't owe me and have to pay me back by following a particular path in life. All I aim to do is give them opportunities and options but it is up to them to decide what they want to do. When they are children I can control their lives but when they are adults it would be wrong of me to continue to do so.

Yes, my parents have an expectation about what I am going to do with the rest of my life and what my son will do after me etc. etc. I am obliged.

AlexLK

Goldiegirl wrote: »

Alex, you are not Prince William - you haven't been born into a pre-ordained destiny.

You have full control over your future.

You can't help that you were born to your parents, and that they intend leaving their money to you.

But when that happens, you and your wife can do anything you want with the money. You could put some in trust for your son, you and your wife could buy a nice house that you both like anywhere in the country, you could carry on your parents business or sell it all and start another one. With her skills and qualifications, your wife could work anywhere in the country - anywhere in the world in fact.

When the time comes, you will still have a legacy to leave to your son, and he in his turn can do whatever he wants with it.

Your parents have indoctrinated you Alex, and it seems the time is approaching when you are going to have to make a choice - your parents or your wife. You seem to think you have no choice, and it's up to your wife how long the marriage lasts. That's not the case - you both have a say in it, and if you start listening to your wife and not your parents, I think you have a good chance of staying together. As I said, many women would have given up by now.

Incidentally, assuming you and your wife are still together when you inherit, in your mind, who will all the money belong to?

You're right about my parents. My father told me the only reason they bothered having a child was to pass on what they have and to have someone to look after them in old age. Apparently, they are the only benefits of having a child rather than a dog. They have very clear expectations of me.

Goldiegirl wrote: »

In most marriages, money is regarded as a shared commodity, so it's very telling that you regard your family money as 'yours', rather than 'ours'

Your vision of the future includes using 'her' money for your purposes, so you can get another couple of rental properties, for a future she feels she's not going to be around to share.

Looking at it from her point of view, no wonder she's baulking at your ideas. Your money is yours, and doesn't belong to both of you, yet you seem to regard her money as belonging to you , to invest in your future.

No wonder, under the circumstances she'd prefer to keep her own money to put away for her future, when she leaves you ( as you feel you have no control over the future, we'll have to consider her leaving you as pre-ordained)

I used to view money as a shared commodity until my wife decided it was not. :rotfl:

A_Frayed_Knot wrote: »

More and more elderly are living to ripe old ages of 90+, so how old would that make you when your parents are in their 90's

And from reading your diary, you seem to be prepared to sit and wait. Ever thought that your son grows up quickly, your parents change their mind and leave it all to Little ALK.


All these properties, the Big House and the money, means nothing if your not happy and with your cosy family unit - Most if not all, would give up everything to be with their loved ones and happy.

It's all rather more complicated, AFK.

I'm not happy and likely won't ever be. I've faced that.

AlexLK

slowlyfading wrote: »

What happens if, in the end, if it's just you in a big house all alone?

I've realised this is what will likely happen to me a long time ago.