Renovations and Repayments.

maman

Repeat post, no idea why??

maman

So glad you had a good holiday Alex, looking forward to hearing what you all enjoyed most.

I really can't believe that an intelligent man like you doesn't understand MrsK's point of view not least because it has it been explained on here numerous times.


I believe your wish to support your parents is genuine but that really doesn't mean you have to move into their home. I think you're looking for the 'easy' option of parents' wealth funding you and yours while paying the 'penance' in return of looking after them and their business.


Of course there's another way which I'm sure MrsK has rehearsed with you. You could increasingly run your parents' business for them while they pay you a salary to compensate for the fact it takes your time from other interests. As and when they need personal care they can afford to pay for it. You could arrange it and oversee it but you don't need to provide it yourself and probably your parents would prefer it that way.


None of these things requires you to move into your parents' home. It might be logistically easier to be on the spot but it's not essential. So you want to make a choice that suits you but might cost you your marriage and your son. Is it worth it?

AlexLK

smallholdingsister wrote: »

when we sell the house and I take full responsibility for my parents' affairs

Which part does she object to? Does she explain why? Does she feel you are putting their needs above hers?

She objects to money that I have, according to her, "not earnt". Further, she doesn't want to move to my parents'. To cut a long story short, she doesn't see the point in saving / overpaying as apparently she sees the marriage as being unable to last due to what will happen in the future.

I wish to save and overpay as much as we can because it would be nice to add another couple of rental properties to the portfolio from the proceeds of selling this house rather than getting a small sum of equity and the rest being used to pay the mortgage. She'd rather be squirrelling away what we do have for herself.

choccielover wrote: »

Do you mean when you sell the house and make her move into a house she has repeatedly told you she doesn't want to.

I know Mrs LK gets a bad rep on here but I have a heck of a lot of empathy for her.

You haven't respected her efforts to earn money, you repeatedly want to sell up and move her in with your parents and live a mortgage free lifestyle now whilst she seems to want to behave like a grown up and make her own way in life, again something you have no respect for.

I'm sorry Alex but from my perspective you married an independent woman with a career and a normal sense of priorities.

Perhaps you should have gone for a spendthrift money grabber who would have not cared a jot for a these things.

You have a childish view on the world Alex, at some point you have to let go of the notion that mummy and daddy will fix everything. Even if they can, there comes a point when you have to stand on your own 2 feet and be your own person.

I have a lot of respect for my wife. It is she with no respect for I. As for living with my parents, they would appreciate the company and I would like to give my son a better place to call home. This is not about mummy and daddy fixing anything, thank you. Though unfortunately my efforts to stand on my own two feet weren't good enough. However, I've no desire to inflict my failures upon my son. Is that so "childish"?

newgirly wrote: »

I'm glad you had a good holiday Alex, it's such a same you are still arguing over the same issues its your wife though, what WILL you do if you are given an ultimatum by her?

Thank you. The holiday was wonderful and I truly wish life was like that all the time.

I choose not to get into arguments. Ultimately I don't see how I can change anything without giving away whatever money and property comes my way. As I won't jeopardise my son's future and respect my parents efforts I suppose the marriage lasts for as long as suits her.

AlexLK

dawnybabes wrote: »

Even if you take over your parents properties (and you DONT HAVE TO). You don't need to move into their house. The properties could be sold - it's you choosing to. And to be quite frank if I was your wife and you constantly ignored my wishes I'd be pee'd off too. You are supposed to be a partnership not a dictatorship.

My parents wishes are for their efforts to be passed through the generations. They worked very hard for what they have. When I was growing up my mother and father both worked 7 days per week, almost every single day of the year to give future generations of the family a better life. How could I sell up when the financial situation of future generations means so much to them? If there is something else beyond this life how could I face them in many years and tell them their good for nothing son gave the only thing they wanted to ensure away? My wife doesn't understand because she'll share the burden of a third of a small house and its contents. Her parents have different priorities.

Goldiegirl wrote: »

I have to agree with what's being said.

It's reasonable that while Alex's parents are still alive he would help with his parents business affairs - and if he's doing that, the parents should pay him a salary

But, there's no need for Alex and his wife to sell their house and move in with the parents.

When the time comes, and Alex's parents are no longer with us, it's not pre-ordained that Alex and his wife have to move into the big house and carry on the business. You could sell everything and make a new life together in Cornwall if you wanted.

I have a lot of sympathy for Mrs Alex - it must be incredibly frustrating and annoying to be married to a man who doesn't listen to her, and appears to put his parents before her. She's a women who wants and expects to be an equal partner, not a meek submissive wife to be kept.

She must love you a lot, Alex, to still be with you. Many women would have thrown in the towel by now

As much as selling everything and making a new life in Cornwall is appealing, I could not face the guilt of failing to honour my parents wishes, Goldie.

I don't want a "meek submissive wife to be kept", thank you. However, I can't see how I can do anything right. If my wife had her way we'd be left unable to provide our son with a good education and a better home. When he grows up she'd leave him to figure things out by himself. I do not have a problem with that in principle apart from if things didn't work out for him or if he was unable to provide his own children with a good education or nice home.

maman wrote: »

So glad you had a good holiday Alex, looking forward to hearing what you all enjoyed most.

I really can't believe that an intelligent man like you doesn't understand MrsK's point of view not least because it has it been explained on here numerous times.

I believe your wish to support your parents is genuine but that really doesn't mean you have to move into their home. I think you're looking for the 'easy' option of parents' wealth funding you and yours while paying the 'penance' in return of looking after them and their business.

Of course there's another way which I'm sure MrsK has rehearsed with you. You could increasingly run your parents' business for them while they pay you a salary to compensate for the fact it takes your time from other interests. As and when they need personal care they can afford to pay for it. You could arrange it and oversee it but you don't need to provide it yourself and probably your parents would prefer it that way.

None of these things requires you to move into your parents' home. It might be logistically easier to be on the spot but it's not essential. So you want to make a choice that suits you but might cost you your marriage and your son. Is it worth it?

The whole holiday was fantastic, maman. Hard to break it down into favourites! However, the Eden project was certainly a highlight. I didn't think I'd be very taken with it but it was an amazing experience and definitely worth a visit. We were there for 6 hours and had a meal in the restaurant afterwards. We were also extremely lucky to see the corpse flower in full bloom. My son loved the seal sanctuary that you recommended. We visited it on out way to Lands End and stayed for much longer than expected.

I'll admit my parents' wishes suit me from a financial point of view. Things didn't work out for me and financially speaking I have failed to provide. It's not something I'm pleased with.

If my parents ever need help with personal care, I'm sure they will hire someone trained in that discipline. However, a full time carer would not provide my parents with companionship.

Not sure why you are bringing my son into this though.

AlexLK

Today has been a NSD. First one in a long time.

We've also spent time decluttering and putting a few things up for sale. Can't say the items are worth much but they are things we no longer require or have been kept for the sake of keeping. I think I'll be glad to see a lot of this stuff gone as I'm aware I need to stop keeping things "just in case", when there is absolutely no use for them. Oddly, the idea of all this stuff one day being gone is something of a weight off my mind.

newgirly

It's a shame you can't see things from the same perspective as the people who have commented on your diary. I think we can all see you feel very obligated towards your parents (most of us do!) but to prioritise them over your own wife is very unusual. They seem more important than your own family unit?

After a successful holiday with your son, do you not feel very protective over the little family you have created, surely that is more important than pleasing your parents, to put it bluntly you are willing to risk your marriage and you both being there for your son as he grows for the sake of a house?

Why does respecting what your parents have built mean taking over their lives, running their business and living in their home. Could it not mean teaching your son how much they achieved, being proud of them and investing the money in other ways and moving on with your lives?

A_Frayed_Knot

First of all, glad you had a really good holiday and the weather was kind. Delighted to read you are decluttering, a decluttered house, is a decluttered mind - so they say :)Reading with interest, and agree with most of what is being said.
Have you ever thought that your parents may be keeping up all the properties for You, maybe they think, well we can't sell now as we promised ALK this and that. It could be that all this at their stage in life. that they are a burden that they would be glad to see the back of.

Sell up, have a nice easy life, with who you want and where you want. Life is far too short to be doing something that someone else wants you to do. You have to live your own life. I don't by any means, cutting off your parents, would it not be fun for little ALK to visit them, making it an adventure.

I know we all have to do things we don't want to, like work, pay bills etc but this doesn't stop us having a life. You are in a more fortunate place than a lot I know.

It's happened to me, albeit, several small occasions, in the past, where my parents have held onto "things" cause I may have made a comment on it at the time. When we actually get down to having a nitty gritty conversation about it, we were both under the impression that each other wanted the said item, and ended up, nobody wanted it.

So what I'm trying to say, that what you or your parents wanted a while ago, minds change, life changes, and opportunities change, mostly for the better at times, too.

Probably way off key here.

A_Frayed_Knot

Forgot to add,
Health before Wealth - Every time.

choccielover

newgirly wrote: »

It's a shame you can't see things from the same perspective as the people who have commented on your diary. I think we can all see you feel very obligated towards your parents (most of us do!) but to prioritise them over your own wife is very unusual. They seem more important than your own family unit?

After a successful holiday with your son, do you not feel very protective over the little family you have created, surely that is more important than pleasing your parents, to put it bluntly you are willing to risk your marriage and you both being there for your son as he grows for the sake of a house?

Why does respecting what your parents have built mean taking over their lives, running their business and living in their home. Could it not mean teaching your son how much they achieved, being proud of them and investing the money in other ways and moving on with your lives?

Agree with all this.

I'm afraid you can't see this from any perspective except your very narrow one Alex, and even more afraid little LK will repeat the mistakes that you have made in life. You seem to have such very little expectations for him, despite talking about giving him a good education. It's not normal for a child to grow up with the knowledge that they needn't do anything useful or productive for the rest of their lives....isn't that where your parents went wrong with you?
Newgirly makes an excellent point, would not liquidating the asset base and handing it to wealth managers to look after be the safest thing for the family gold....thereby freeing you up to do something you actually enjoy, little LK not being bubble wrapped by money and perhaps saving your marriage/family.

Perhaps you could try, just for a moment to see outside your own bubble and understand what Mrs LK is saying. You are so derogatory about her inheritance being a third of very little, but from where I'm sitting that has afforded her significantly more freedom than the shackles of money you have laid at your door.

gallygirl

choccielover wrote: »

You are so derogatory about her inheritance being a third of very little, but from where I'm sitting that has afforded her significantly more freedom than the shackles of money you have laid at your door.

Well said CL, plus all the other posters.

Basically Alex, it seems to be a choice between your parent's house and your marriage. Which is more important to you?

If you are so desperate to keep the house in the family, when the time comes how about spending some money doing it up and then letting it as a corporate let? That way it would still be there if your wife feels differently at some future date.