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    • Smithy22
    • By Smithy22 4th Sep 06, 1:34 PM
    • 30Posts
    • 100Thanks
    Struggling with an unsupportive OH
    • #1
    • 4th Sep 06, 1:34 PM
    Struggling with an unsupportive OH 4th Sep 06 at 1:34 PM
    This is my first post and I don't know if I'm really in the right place but anyhow here goes.

    My problems is that I really want to be Debt Free but my OH makes it so difficult. I know my debt is not as big as others on here but is enough to make me sick with worry. My partner and I owe about 17,000 betweeen us. The problem is that I have always been quite good with money and managed my debt well but my OH is hopeless. We have been together 3 years and in this time he has lied to me countless times about money.

    As we had been discussing buying a house together about a year ago we went to try and get a joint account. He was turned down because of his poor credit rating which was a complete suprise to me. He insisted it was to him also and denied all knowledge of o/s debts. I persuaded him to get a credit report and was shocked to discover defaulted accounts with 2 companies and 3 credit cards I knew nothing about. Alot of the debt was prior to our relationship but he had denied any knowledge until confronted with the evidence. I went through a very hard time then and thought it was behind us however have recently discovered that he has spent another 1000 on a credut card that he promised me had been destroyed. i know it is not a vast amount of money but just don't know what to do about it.

    I'm well aware that non of you can help with my relationship!!! but I was just looking for some advice on people who have debt but are unwilling to face up to it. How can I make him see that its unacceptable and to start behaving responsibly towards our finances or am I just fighthing a losing battle??! He is in his mid 30's, by no means a chilld but his attitude towards money and debt is so juvenile. He buries his head in the sand and just hopes it will go away.

    I'm sorry that this is so long and I do appreciate that I am not as in debt as alot of people here but would really appreciate any advice anyone has.


    Last edited by Former MSE Natasha; 05-09-2006 at 5:18 PM.
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  • southernscouser
    • #2
    • 4th Sep 06, 1:54 PM
    • #2
    • 4th Sep 06, 1:54 PM
    Hey smithy and welcome to MSE! You've come to the right place!

    Alot of people on here have problems with OH's where they are also hopeless with money. Unfortunately there is no secret to getting them on your side.

    Have you had a proper heart to heart about this? Maybe you could even show him this thread to show how serious you are about it? :confused:

    Tell him if he is serious about you 2 getting a place together then he needs to sort himself out. Maybe you could even deny him 'things' until he comes round to your way of thinking!

    It's not easy and sometimes it takes a while but I'm pretty sure someone in a similar position to you will be along soon to advise you better!
  • littlestar1981
    • #3
    • 4th Sep 06, 2:09 PM
    • #3
    • 4th Sep 06, 2:09 PM
    I had this with my ex, and he never faced up to it.

    Your OH may not be like my ex, but please don't lend him money or take out credit in your name, however hard it may be to say no if he asks. I did that and ended up with 9k more than I should have.
    OU Student! - ED209, SDK125, DSE212, SK124, DSE141, SD226, DXR222, DD303, DD307 = BSc Psychology
    • Smithy22
    • By Smithy22 4th Sep 06, 2:27 PM
    • 30 Posts
    • 100 Thanks
    • #4
    • 4th Sep 06, 2:27 PM
    • #4
    • 4th Sep 06, 2:27 PM
    I understand what your saying but if I decide that we are to stay together then the quickest way of sorting out this mess is for me to pay off his debts with a loan because he can't get a loan or any 0% cards cause his credit rating is so bad. I just feel like I'm trapped and don't know what to do for the best.
  • southernscouser
    • #5
    • 4th Sep 06, 2:36 PM
    • #5
    • 4th Sep 06, 2:36 PM
    I understand what your saying but if I decide that we are to stay together then the quickest way of sorting out this mess is for me to pay off his debts with a loan because he can't get a loan or any 0% cards cause his credit rating is so bad. I just feel like I'm trapped and don't know what to do for the best.
    by Smithy22
    From reading other peoples experiences I will never ever take out credit for someone else in my name.

    I would be willing to help someone pay of their debts if I could afford it but taking on a credit agreement could have such serious repercussions (sp) on yourself should you split up or, touch wood it won't, that person dying. You will be fully liable and won't have a leg to stand on.
  • rchddap1
    • #6
    • 4th Sep 06, 2:39 PM
    • #6
    • 4th Sep 06, 2:39 PM
    In addition to the problem above:-

    If you solve his problems for him he will never learn. You pay off the debts...he celebrates because its all sorted...he then goes out and continues spending creating even more debt.
    Baby Year 1: Oh dear...on the move

    Lily contracted Strep B Meningitis Dec 2006 Now seemingly a normal little monster.
    Love to my two angels that I will never forget.
    • Bestthingsinlifearefree
    • By Bestthingsinlifearefree 4th Sep 06, 2:47 PM
    • 1,474 Posts
    • 1,280 Thanks
    • #7
    • 4th Sep 06, 2:47 PM
    • #7
    • 4th Sep 06, 2:47 PM
    I understand what your saying but if I decide that we are to stay together then the quickest way of sorting out this mess is for me to pay off his debts with a loan because he can't get a loan or any 0% cards cause his credit rating is so bad. I just feel like I'm trapped and don't know what to do for the best.
    by Smithy22
    If he can't be bothered to pay of his debts and is running up fresh debts on credit cards he says he has destroyed;

    Why would you want to pay of his debts when he is still running up fresh debts ?

    I think you need to have a serious heart to heart with him.
    • lynzpower
    • By lynzpower 4th Sep 06, 2:48 PM
    • 24,745 Posts
    • 39,940 Thanks
    • #8
    • 4th Sep 06, 2:48 PM
    • #8
    • 4th Sep 06, 2:48 PM
    If you take out a loan for him, his credit rating will be repaired and ET VOILA, get himself some new cards.

    DONT YOU DO THAT! Or you will be on a road to disasterville.

    If his rating is shot to bits then look on trhe brightside at least he cant run debt up at the moment.

    All you can do is lead by example and discuss the matter to the nth degree. If your priorities are right, ie do you want this house, how are you going to save for it, write up a graph or chart , how do you intend blah blah, and he cannot come up with the answers or the goods, rthen you need to make the decision, how much does he want the same things you want, and only you can make the decison on that

    Good luck & welcome
    Well aint funny how its the little things in life that mean the most? Not where you live, the car you drive or the price tag on your clothes.
    Theres no dollar sign on piece of mind
    This Ive come to know...
    So if you agree have a drink with me, raise your glasses for a toast
    • ZTD
    • By ZTD 4th Sep 06, 2:57 PM
    • 23,730 Posts
    • 42,889 Thanks
    • #9
    • 4th Sep 06, 2:57 PM
    • #9
    • 4th Sep 06, 2:57 PM
    My problems is that I really want to be Debt Free but my OH makes it so difficult.
    by Smithy22
    Right, the only way you are going to be debt free is if you pay off your debt. If you turn around and pay off your OH's debt, then he will not be debt free - he'll owe YOU.

    Alot of the debt was prior to our relationship but he had denied any knowledge until confronted with the evidence.
    by Smithy22
    So it isn't that he is not supportive (you misleading thread titler you! ) but that he is a liar. What else does he lie about?

    If you read the various other threads concerning OHs, you'll find they know they have debt, they admit they have debt, but doing something about lies somewhere in the future. After the footy and the beer...

    Your problem is more akin to the OH gamblers, where they lie continuously to their partners.

    Do not get any joint finances. Do not pay off his debt. When he pays off his debt, and you are sure he's stopped lying, then start thinking about it. If this is going to be too far off in the future for you - well, that's a decision only you can make.
    "Follow the money!" - Deepthroat (AKA William Mark Felt Sr - Associate Director of the FBI)
    "We were born and raised in a summer haze." Adele 'Someone like you.'
    "Blowing your mind, 'cause you know what you'll find, when you're looking for things in the sky."
    OMD 'Julia's Song'
    • Smithy22
    • By Smithy22 4th Sep 06, 3:00 PM
    • 30 Posts
    • 100 Thanks
    Thanks guys

    I know I sound pathetic and it seems obvious I would be better off out of it but lifes just not that simple is it??! especially when this is the person you thought you'd be spending the rest of your life with. We had the big heart to heart a year ago and I've only just found out that his debt has since increased (due to spending on the card last Nov/Dec time) so its taking some time to come to terms with. I have a single mortgage on my house but since we have been together he has been paying half the mortgage and bills and all our money and debts have been joint. I can't really see the wood for the trees at the moment and am too upset by it all so I will go away and try to work out what our individual financial positions and come back then.
  • Dan2779
    I had a similar problem a few years ago, I am (generally) really good with money and my OH spent his as quick as he earnt it! He would keep things from me (like the hamster in the old egg card ad!) and I would lie to him about how much I had in my savings!
    I had to bail him out a few times and it did put quite a bit of strain on our relationship!
    After years of 'lovingly' nagging and telling him how I felt about it, he is now debt-free - I am so proud of him!
    Now I am the one with debt!!!
    Try talking to him about what you would want to do when you are debt free e.g. A nice holiday so you both have something to aim for.
    It may be useful to show your OH a plan of how you plan to get rid of your debts and let him know you mean business!!!

    Danielle x
    Debt at Highest 3989.04 on 01/09/06
    Debt Free 15/04/07

    2 Savings Cub - 96 (50 banked)
  • littlestar1981
    no-one is saying leave him or anything, everyone can be bad with money... we wouldn't all be in here if we were!!

    Get a SOA on so the experts can give advice. The only rule you have to apply is DONT PAY OFF ANY OF HIS DEBT: PUT YOURSELF FIRST.
    OU Student! - ED209, SDK125, DSE212, SK124, DSE141, SD226, DXR222, DD303, DD307 = BSc Psychology
    • angchris
    • By angchris 4th Sep 06, 3:43 PM
    • 1,159 Posts
    • 2,221 Thanks
    is there any way you could take over managing his finances? if he is acting like a kid with money then maybe its time to start treating him like one untill he can prove he can be responsible! if he were my oh i`d insist he handed all cards over to me and work out his soa then give him an amount each month that he can do what he wants with but when its gone its gone untill next month, at least this would stop any more bills being run up you would feel happier and he would be starting to pay off his debts. if he is "mr right" then he should be prepared to do a bit of giving instead of just taking and making your financial future unstable. by no means get yourself into trouble by taking a loan out in your name, good luck with him, he is a man after all:rolleyes:
    proper prior planning prevents p!$$ poor performance!
    Only when the last tree has died and the last river been poisoned and the last fish been caught will we realise we cannot eat money
    quote from an american indian.
  • cheletastic
    Hi, I had this problem a few years ago with my ex. I was always good with money, saved up, never spent what I didn't have. He spent what he didn't have and kept lying about it.

    I bailed him out many times giving him my £7K in savings to pay off cards, loans, etc. He still kept lying about money and wouldn't face up to the fact that we didn't have any - I would find out he'd withdrawn mney when the bank statement came through, he'd deny it and say the bank had made a mistake, etc.

    By the time we split up it wasn't just the money he lied about!! women, work, wages, etc - I also found that he had re-opened store cards that I had cut up and closed the accounts in my name and I was left over £15K in debt. I had to sell my car, move in with my parents and not go out for over a year to pay it all off. About a year later I had a letter from the bank to say our joint account was £2K overdrawn and needed immediate repayment - I had closed this account, gave back the cards, cheque book, etc but he had managed to re-open it Luckily the woman at the bank remembered me and his mom ended up paying it back. It also turned out that she'd also spent the year paying back another £8K that he owed that I didn't know about!


    Having said all that it's your decision and we all (hopefully) learn by our own mistakes. I have! Good luck

    PS sorry it's so long, got carried away!!!lol
    Last edited by cheletastic; 04-09-2006 at 9:37 PM.
    Official DFW Nerd - Member 408 - Proud to be dealing with my debts!
  • gemsurf2
    He is in his mid 30's, by no means a chilld but his attitude towards money and debt is so juvenile. He buries his head in the sand and just hopes it will go away.
    by Smithy22
    My OH is exactly like this - he is 43 but acts like he is 17 with his first pay packet, and always has. We have been together 20 years, and over those years I've tried in vain all sorts to turn his attitude around. It has caused a million rows, we have been in debt for generally most of that time, we still don't own our own house, or have any assets or savings. I have always been the one who has gone without and worried constantly, and have been so desperately unhappy and he has also just buried his head in the sand. Our debts were never huge, we never owed more than 6,000 but it if someone is spending more of the outgoings than you have of the incomings the cycle never ends.

    Our situation now is that we don't have any debts (but no savings either - that's my next project). I managed this by taking full control of his finances; I have access online to his wages once they go into his account and I immediately settle any bills and budget for things which I know are coming up. He is not allowed a credit card!

    Up to a point he has been agreeable to all this, but still has access to some money as he resents not being able to get at what he has earned. He has no concept of going overdrawn - am I right in thinking that when I was younger if you tried to take money out of your account and there wasn't enough there then you just couldn't?

    I can now plan for pensions and the childrens' future. I don't know how insane it would have sent me if I was forced to sit back and watch debt creep up all over again.

    I stuck with this because of the children; if someone is a genuinely nice person and a loving Dad, and their only failing is a lack of responsibility when it comes to money you put up with it thinking that things will change. If you don't have children yet think VERY seriously if this is the kind of life you want.

    Remember two things: leopards and spots.
  • macwise
    Me too...
    Hi folks

    My OH is terrible with money and I think I am quite fortunate that I was well established with my own house and car before I met him. I lived within my means and only had one small loan because I'd borrowed to pay the deposit on my house. I was quite good with money because I'd had to be, whereas he was fairly spoiled by his parents (still is) and ran his own business. He's also 11 years younger than me which might have some bearing on the matter.

    However, I think I enjoyed being spoiled in the early days, he was always paying for everything and buying luxury items I would never dream of. Almost as soon as we got together we started borrowing money, first to pay for the wedding, then the honeymoon and so on...he would always say, don't worry, we'll pay it off really quickly no problem.

    He's lavish and generous to a fault, but also careless and doesn't seem to value money until its gone. But he still believes he's clever with money which is quite worrying. He also has a gambling habit which his sister has hopefully cured him of now, by paying off his debt and threatening to kill him if he gets in debt again (she's really scary) but he used to think nothing of putting hundreds of pounds in a roulette machine hoping to win big bucks back. Sometimes he did and I would be pleased to get a windfall now and again but when he lost, it would make him physically ill. He might try to hide it for a few days but he always confessed eventually. I found it difficult to get annoyed with him because I could see he was suffering already.

    The only way I can cope with his irresponsible attitude to money is to keep control of all the bills. So I pay everything from my own wages each month and then its up to him to give me money to buy shopping, petrol etc. If we need a holiday or something in the house needs to be repaired it has to come from his business and luckily his sister takes care of that. I hate having to ask her for money but its better than going without and I know I'm entitled to it. He takes a small wage from the business but I find it very hard to take that from him because its all he has. He never asks me for money now but when he was gambling it was awful.

    Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I think my attitude to his mis-spending and reckless borrowing has a lot to do with him getting away with it. We've only been married for 3 years and we're still figuring out how to get our own way (does that ever settle down?) but I'm sure if I was more demanding or unforgiving he would have stopped this years ago. Then again, if I was more like his sister I don't think we'd still be together. But I do think its possible to be too nice! Some people will always walk all over you if they get half the chance. So as well as taking control of the finances, you need to help him understand what this is doing to you emotionally and warn him that even you will eventually reach your limit! You need to be convincing though, and he will hopefully get the shock he needs to wake up and realise what his behaviour is threatening to do to your relationship.
  • northern bird
    Am new to this too!

    MEN!!! Would deffo suggest you taking over handling his finances, I always dealt with all bills and spending limits on a monthly basis when I was married. Once we separated and he moved on all bills were left in envelopes and fines for late payment came in regularly. This caused me concern because we weren't divorced and I thought bad credit footprints could affect me so my ex admitted he was useless at keeping on top of things and asked me to go back to taking care of his finances. Although he no longer lives at this address, all his mail still comes here, all banking is done online and he doesn't even have access to his savings account (haven't told him the password) this has worked so well, he hasn't been overdrawn, I keep card tarting him so his debt is interest free and indeed will be paid off in the next 3 months. And the best thing he has accrued quite a tidy little savings pile which he doesn't know about but will be great for a rainy day!!

    If only I could sort out my own finances!!!!

    I know men like to feel in control of family money but if they can't do it, for whatever reason (not money savvy or just too busy) they should trust us to take care of it, afterall we only have our family's intrests at heart.
  • oh_brian
    Just to put my two-penneth in - sorry that it's not that different to what's already been said.
    One of the main reasons for my marriage ending was that my husband lied about getting into debt. He seemed to quite seriously no concept of denying himself anything and would be spent up within days of being paid - naturally this meant me paying for a lot. I've not come on here to slate him but it will take more than a chat to sort this one out.

    I'm still trying to disassociate myself from him financially and when I made the mistake of taking out credit for him (yes I KNOW now!!) and then not being able to get credit now because he missed several payments without telling me. He also applied for several credit items AFTER he moved out of my house (thank god I never put it in joint names or I think I'd be living in my parents' spare room by now) which I'm still trying to put right.

    Anyway my point is whether you stay together or not this is going to have a huge impact on your life. I became so resentful and untrusting we couldn't go back - the reason being I never tackled it early enough on. I cannot recommend strongly enought that you don't get him credit, don't get a joint account and don't apply for anything in joint names until he makes a commitment to sorting this problem out.

    Preaching over, really hope you work it out
  • Nutty Netty
    Hi Smithy22

    DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES TAKE OUT A LOAN TO PAY OF HIS DEBTS!!!!!!!!! This would be so wrong on so may levels
    A) He doesn't learn by his mistakes and will continue to spend (someone will always bale him out!)
    B) You will be putting your own finances in to jepardy
    C) RED FLAG he has lied repeatedly to you!! you have no guarantees that he will not do it again and not just about spending!

    My best friend is now in severe financial crisis due to her husbands reckless attitude to money. The warning signs were there when they met, he had many debts and this meant that they couldn't get a joint account or credit to begin with. She diligently worked to pay them all off despite his trying to run up more debts at every chance. Eventually she managed to get them on an even keel and they even managed to get a mortgage together. She had to completely take over the finances and only allowed him a small amount of cash a week according to their budget. Due to his resentment at being curtailed to this level he managed to get hold of several credit cards and get them into so much debt they lost the house and had to declare bankruptcy. Again she worked hard to pay of what she could and eventually the bankruptcy was lifted. He immediately went out and bought a new laptop for £1000 on credit with out telling her. He then went off with another woman leaving her with 3 children and loads more debts he hadn't told her about! She is now left again trying to pay them of because he is no longer working. Unfortunately when a partners attitude to money results in lying on more than one occassion BEWARE! Please, please ,please think carefully before tying yourself into a mortgage or any other credit with this man. Sorry to be so gloomy but unfortunately life sucks sometimes
  • duncans-mum
    as previously posted DO NOT TAKE OUT ANY LOAN/C/CARD IN YOUR NAME TO PAY DEBT IN HIS NAME. Although this does not mean that you can not help him reduce it in other ways. I can completely empathise with you on one level regarding the juvenile attitude to money. I have a fella like this, although he has not lied to me about it. I have been as much to blame in that I let him spend spend spend. But........ we are getting there.
    1. When it all blew up I discussed wih him what my relationship goal was, and that was to have children, and to be financially ready to have them. He agreed so he kinda got why I was being a bit anal about money.
    2. I handle all the finances and he actually likes this because he has "No hassle" It can sometimes put a pressure on me to sort everything out but at least I feel in control.3
    3. I have learn't not to nag. This actually made him feel like I was treating him like a child (and although in effect I am, I do it in a way he does not realise.) In the end it is for his benefit as well as my own.
    4. I even budget/put aside/hide money for when he wants something so that he's happy and we are not going to be left short.

    It is by no means easy, but if you feel the relationship is worth the extra effort, ( and yes some people may construe it as a bit manipulating) then go for it. As to the fact he has lied to you, I am unable to comment on, that issue is entiley up to how you feel about it. Not all relationships are 100% perfect. Some half of couples are bad with money, some couples worry with jealousy. Sometimes the other half wants to go out with his/her mates more than you like. What I am trying to say is you weigh up the pro's and cons and make your decision. Just dont take out a loan in your name for it all. Yes it can be heartbreaking putting in all your faith, trust and hard work into a relationship, but if the worst comes to the worst somewhere down the line heartbreak may leave you miserable, depressed for a time, but just think you would feel 10 times worse if you were left with thousands of pounds of someone elses debt.
    Sorry to go on but this is a matter close to my heart.
    Good Luck

    If I could just add that our debt is not all due to my OH. I DO take responsibility for some of our reckless spending. I haven't gone without things myself when I felt like it.
    Last edited by duncans-mum; 06-09-2006 at 6:25 PM.
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