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Struggling with an unsupportive OH

edited 30 November -1 at 1:00AM in Debt-Free Wannabe
46 replies 13.1K views
245

Replies

  • no-one is saying leave him or anything, everyone can be bad with money... we wouldn't all be in here if we were!!

    Get a SOA on so the experts can give advice. The only rule you have to apply is DONT PAY OFF ANY OF HIS DEBT: PUT YOURSELF FIRST.
    OU Student! - ED209, SDK125, DSE212, SK124, DSE141, SD226, DXR222, DD303, DD307 = BSc Psychology
  • angchrisangchris Forumite
    1.2K posts
    is there any way you could take over managing his finances? if he is acting like a kid with money then maybe its time to start treating him like one untill he can prove he can be responsible! if he were my oh i`d insist he handed all cards over to me and work out his soa then give him an amount each month that he can do what he wants with but when its gone its gone untill next month, at least this would stop any more bills being run up you would feel happier and he would be starting to pay off his debts. if he is "mr right" then he should be prepared to do a bit of giving instead of just taking and making your financial future unstable. by no means get yourself into trouble by taking a loan out in your name, good luck with him, he is a man after all:rolleyes:
    proper prior planning prevents p!$$ poor performance! :p
    Only when the last tree has died and the last river been poisoned and the last fish been caught will we realise we cannot eat money
    quote from an american indian.
  • Hi, I had this problem a few years ago with my ex. I was always good with money, saved up, never spent what I didn't have. He spent what he didn't have and kept lying about it.

    I bailed him out many times giving him my £7K in savings to pay off cards, loans, etc. He still kept lying about money and wouldn't face up to the fact that we didn't have any - I would find out he'd withdrawn mney when the bank statement came through, he'd deny it and say the bank had made a mistake, etc.

    By the time we split up it wasn't just the money he lied about!! women, work, wages, etc - I also found that he had re-opened store cards that I had cut up and closed the accounts in my name and I was left over £15K in debt. I had to sell my car, move in with my parents and not go out for over a year to pay it all off. About a year later I had a letter from the bank to say our joint account was £2K overdrawn and needed immediate repayment - I had closed this account, gave back the cards, cheque book, etc but he had managed to re-open it:mad: Luckily the woman at the bank remembered me and his mom ended up paying it back. It also turned out that she'd also spent the year paying back another £8K that he owed that I didn't know about!:eek:

    DO NOT GIVE HIM MONEY TO PAY HIS DEBTS!!! LOOK AFTER YOUR MONEY FOR YOURSELF, IT IS HIS JOB TO LOOK AFTER HIS MONEY! IF YOU PAY IT BACK FOR HIM HE'LL NEVER LEARN AND YOU WILL END UP IN EVEN MORE DEBT if my experience is anything to go by.

    Having said all that it's your decision and we all (hopefully) learn by our own mistakes. I have! Good luck;)

    PS sorry it's so long, got carried away!!!lol
    Official DFW Nerd - Member 408 - Proud to be dealing with my debts!
  • Smithy22 wrote:
    He is in his mid 30's, by no means a chilld but his attitude towards money and debt is so juvenile. He buries his head in the sand and just hopes it will go away.

    My OH is exactly like this - he is 43 but acts like he is 17 with his first pay packet, and always has. We have been together 20 years, and over those years I've tried in vain all sorts to turn his attitude around. It has caused a million rows, we have been in debt for generally most of that time, we still don't own our own house, or have any assets or savings. I have always been the one who has gone without and worried constantly, and have been so desperately unhappy and he has also just buried his head in the sand. Our debts were never huge, we never owed more than £6,000 but it if someone is spending more of the outgoings than you have of the incomings the cycle never ends.

    Our situation now is that we don't have any debts (but no savings either - that's my next project). I managed this by taking full control of his finances; I have access online to his wages once they go into his account and I immediately settle any bills and budget for things which I know are coming up. He is not allowed a credit card!

    Up to a point he has been agreeable to all this, but still has access to some money as he resents not being able to get at what he has earned. He has no concept of going overdrawn - am I right in thinking that when I was younger if you tried to take money out of your account and there wasn't enough there then you just couldn't?

    I can now plan for pensions and the childrens' future. I don't know how insane it would have sent me if I was forced to sit back and watch debt creep up all over again.

    I stuck with this because of the children; if someone is a genuinely nice person and a loving Dad, and their only failing is a lack of responsibility when it comes to money you put up with it thinking that things will change. If you don't have children yet think VERY seriously if this is the kind of life you want.

    Remember two things: leopards and spots.
  • Hi folks

    My OH is terrible with money and I think I am quite fortunate that I was well established with my own house and car before I met him. I lived within my means and only had one small loan because I'd borrowed to pay the deposit on my house. I was quite good with money because I'd had to be, whereas he was fairly spoiled by his parents (still is) and ran his own business. He's also 11 years younger than me which might have some bearing on the matter.

    However, I think I enjoyed being spoiled in the early days, he was always paying for everything and buying luxury items I would never dream of. Almost as soon as we got together we started borrowing money, first to pay for the wedding, then the honeymoon and so on...he would always say, don't worry, we'll pay it off really quickly no problem.

    He's lavish and generous to a fault, but also careless and doesn't seem to value money until its gone. But he still believes he's clever with money which is quite worrying. He also has a gambling habit which his sister has hopefully cured him of now, by paying off his debt and threatening to kill him if he gets in debt again (she's really scary) but he used to think nothing of putting hundreds of pounds in a roulette machine hoping to win big bucks back. Sometimes he did and I would be pleased to get a windfall now and again but when he lost, it would make him physically ill. He might try to hide it for a few days but he always confessed eventually. I found it difficult to get annoyed with him because I could see he was suffering already.

    The only way I can cope with his irresponsible attitude to money is to keep control of all the bills. So I pay everything from my own wages each month and then its up to him to give me money to buy shopping, petrol etc. If we need a holiday or something in the house needs to be repaired it has to come from his business and luckily his sister takes care of that. I hate having to ask her for money but its better than going without and I know I'm entitled to it. He takes a small wage from the business but I find it very hard to take that from him because its all he has. He never asks me for money now but when he was gambling it was awful.

    Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I think my attitude to his mis-spending and reckless borrowing has a lot to do with him getting away with it. We've only been married for 3 years and we're still figuring out how to get our own way (does that ever settle down?) but I'm sure if I was more demanding or unforgiving he would have stopped this years ago. Then again, if I was more like his sister I don't think we'd still be together. But I do think its possible to be too nice! Some people will always walk all over you if they get half the chance. So as well as taking control of the finances, you need to help him understand what this is doing to you emotionally and warn him that even you will eventually reach your limit! You need to be convincing though, and he will hopefully get the shock he needs to wake up and realise what his behaviour is threatening to do to your relationship.
    :jMacwise

    :o"Proper prior planning prevents pathetically poor performance":cool:
  • Am new to this too!

    MEN!!! Would deffo suggest you taking over handling his finances, I always dealt with all bills and spending limits on a monthly basis when I was married. Once we separated and he moved on all bills were left in envelopes and fines for late payment came in regularly. This caused me concern because we weren't divorced and I thought bad credit footprints could affect me so my ex admitted he was useless at keeping on top of things and asked me to go back to taking care of his finances. Although he no longer lives at this address, all his mail still comes here, all banking is done online and he doesn't even have access to his savings account (haven't told him the password) this has worked so well, he hasn't been overdrawn, I keep card tarting him so his debt is interest free and indeed will be paid off in the next 3 months. And the best thing he has accrued quite a tidy little savings pile which he doesn't know about but will be great for a rainy day!!

    If only I could sort out my own finances!!!!

    I know men like to feel in control of family money but if they can't do it, for whatever reason (not money savvy or just too busy) they should trust us to take care of it, afterall we only have our family's intrests at heart.
  • Just to put my two-penneth in - sorry that it's not that different to what's already been said.
    One of the main reasons for my marriage ending was that my husband lied about getting into debt. He seemed to quite seriously no concept of denying himself anything and would be spent up within days of being paid - naturally this meant me paying for a lot. I've not come on here to slate him but it will take more than a chat to sort this one out.

    I'm still trying to disassociate myself from him financially and when I made the mistake of taking out credit for him (yes I KNOW now!!) and then not being able to get credit now because he missed several payments without telling me. He also applied for several credit items AFTER he moved out of my house (thank god I never put it in joint names or I think I'd be living in my parents' spare room by now) which I'm still trying to put right.

    Anyway my point is whether you stay together or not this is going to have a huge impact on your life. I became so resentful and untrusting we couldn't go back - the reason being I never tackled it early enough on. I cannot recommend strongly enought that you don't get him credit, don't get a joint account and don't apply for anything in joint names until he makes a commitment to sorting this problem out.

    Preaching over, really hope you work it out
  • Hi Smithy22

    DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES TAKE OUT A LOAN TO PAY OF HIS DEBTS!!!!!!!!! This would be so wrong on so may levels
    A) He doesn't learn by his mistakes and will continue to spend (someone will always bale him out!)
    B) You will be putting your own finances in to jepardy
    C) RED FLAG he has lied repeatedly to you!! you have no guarantees that he will not do it again and not just about spending!

    My best friend is now in severe financial crisis due to her husbands reckless attitude to money. The warning signs were there when they met, he had many debts and this meant that they couldn't get a joint account or credit to begin with. She diligently worked to pay them all off despite his trying to run up more debts at every chance. Eventually she managed to get them on an even keel and they even managed to get a mortgage together. She had to completely take over the finances and only allowed him a small amount of cash a week according to their budget. Due to his resentment at being curtailed to this level he managed to get hold of several credit cards and get them into so much debt they lost the house and had to declare bankruptcy. Again she worked hard to pay of what she could and eventually the bankruptcy was lifted. He immediately went out and bought a new laptop for £1000 on credit with out telling her. He then went off with another woman leaving her with 3 children and loads more debts he hadn't told her about! She is now left again trying to pay them of because he is no longer working. Unfortunately when a partners attitude to money results in lying on more than one occassion BEWARE! Please, please ,please think carefully before tying yourself into a mortgage or any other credit with this man. Sorry to be so gloomy but unfortunately life sucks sometimes
  • as previously posted DO NOT TAKE OUT ANY LOAN/C/CARD IN YOUR NAME TO PAY DEBT IN HIS NAME. Although this does not mean that you can not help him reduce it in other ways. I can completely empathise with you on one level regarding the juvenile attitude to money. I have a fella like this, although he has not lied to me about it. I have been as much to blame in that I let him spend spend spend. But........ we are getting there.
    1. When it all blew up I discussed wih him what my relationship goal was, and that was to have children, and to be financially ready to have them. He agreed so he kinda got why I was being a bit anal about money.
    2. I handle all the finances and he actually likes this because he has "No hassle" It can sometimes put a pressure on me to sort everything out but at least I feel in control.3
    3. I have learn't not to nag. This actually made him feel like I was treating him like a child (and although in effect I am, I do it in a way he does not realise.) In the end it is for his benefit as well as my own.
    4. I even budget/put aside/hide money for when he wants something so that he's happy and we are not going to be left short.

    It is by no means easy, but if you feel the relationship is worth the extra effort, ( and yes some people may construe it as a bit manipulating) then go for it. As to the fact he has lied to you, I am unable to comment on, that issue is entiley up to how you feel about it. Not all relationships are 100% perfect. Some half of couples are bad with money, some couples worry with jealousy. Sometimes the other half wants to go out with his/her mates more than you like. What I am trying to say is you weigh up the pro's and cons and make your decision. Just dont take out a loan in your name for it all. Yes it can be heartbreaking putting in all your faith, trust and hard work into a relationship, but if the worst comes to the worst somewhere down the line heartbreak may leave you miserable, depressed for a time, but just think you would feel 10 times worse if you were left with thousands of pounds of someone elses debt.
    Sorry to go on but this is a matter close to my heart.
    Good Luck
    x

    If I could just add that our debt is not all due to my OH. I DO take responsibility for some of our reckless spending. I haven't gone without things myself when I felt like it.
  • Just wanted to say a few things. My friend decided to help her partner sort out his debts. They consolidated both their debts into one loan and both worked to pay it back. However, he began spending all his money and she felt stressed that all the debt was her. This caused terrible strain on their relationship and ended up splitting up - and he somehow managed to leave most of the date to her as it was all in her name.

    Don't help him as hard as that sounds. Keep your debts seperate and where possible try not to let it interfere in your relationship. Make sure you always have money for yourself and when he runs out of his money - tough! He'll soon learn when he can't rely on for your help.

    Good luck!
    Debt at highest (Jan 2006) £11,823.28 :mad:

    Debt at present (October 2010) £0.00 :j
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