Struggling with an unsupportive OH

EagerLearner

My ex racked up 3 credit cards and 2 bank accoutns with debt, one of which was joint acc.

Over 6 years I tried to reason with him but he stuck his head in the sand.

We sold our flat and used most of the profit to pay off HIS debts. I regret that SOOO much I can't even begin to express it.

I got £1,000 out of it and left him as he wouldn't open his eyes to what he was doing to us and I had then fallen out of love.

With new man (now husband) it's totally different and although he spends, he's careful with it. I have been handling our joint account, his savings and my savings for 6 months now and it works really well. For once in our 5 years being together, he has savings and is really happy.

Don't take someone else's debt on - say you will support him if you are both still in love, but love means helping him through this rough patch without paying it off yourself because you will end up resenting him if you do, and that in itself can ruin the relationship.

Our thoughts are with you!

Linguistic_Chimp

Hi all,
Well I'm only 25 and and so haven't had the chance to experience the awful things that so many people on this thread have been through. And it's that what I wanted to ask about.
I am soon to move in with my boyfriend of 6 years :T - we're not getting married so there's no legal issue to this - and am thinking you guys might be able to give me some advice of how best to set up our finances so as to avoid any of the trouble you have experienced. Neither of us have lived with a partner before. Oh and yes, we're planning on this being IT.
Neither of us have any debts or credit cards. I have some savings. I used to be crap with money in tonnes of debt but I had a lightbulb moment and am now a passionate moneysaver, whereas he's not into the thing/this site at all. I monitor my spending with an excel file I set up, recording everything I spend money on. He does not. I bought Martin's book but was too embarrassed to tell him about it as I thought he might see it as penny pinching...
Anyway just thought you might have some ideas to help me set things up.
Thanks a lot!
LinguisticChimp

calleyw

carras wrote:

I do not believe that any 50 year old man could find comfortable accommodation on less than £250 per month - but I know one who has and I am helpless to sort it out!

You are not powerless you are not required by anyone to provide a home for your brother.

I know it is hard but I would have kicked him out a long time ago.

Could you not downsize to say a two bedroom house/flat and that way he would have to find somewhere else to live. As it would be just for you and your mother.

I can't believe that he has sponged off you for so long.

All the best.


Yours


Calley

southernscouser

Linguistic_Chimp wrote:

Hi all,
Well I'm only 25 and and so haven't had the chance to experience the awful things that so many people on this thread have been through. And it's that what I wanted to ask about.
I am soon to move in with my boyfriend of 6 years :T - we're not getting married so there's no legal issue to this - and am thinking you guys might be able to give me some advice of how best to set up our finances so as to avoid any of the trouble you have experienced. Neither of us have lived with a partner before. Oh and yes, we're planning on this being IT.
Neither of us have any debts or credit cards. I have some savings. I used to be crap with money in tonnes of debt but I had a lightbulb moment and am now a passionate moneysaver, whereas he's not into the thing/this site at all. I monitor my spending with an excel file I set up, recording everything I spend money on. He does not. I bought Martin's book but was too embarrassed to tell him about it as I thought he might see it as penny pinching...
Anyway just thought you might have some ideas to help me set things up.
Thanks a lot!
LinguisticChimp

Hi LC. Without hijacking this thread too much Martin was actually talking about this on the Jeremy Vine radio show a few weeks ago. Friday 25th I think it was! :think:

Basically rather than have one joint account keep your own accounts but just open a joint one for the bills and set up standing orders each month for the bills.

I'm trying to find some stuff on it!

charlie304

I agree with a lot that has already been said. I too have taken over the family finances and every thing is working well. OH pays in so much per months the rest is his. I has no debts and only buys what he can afford. Having his own money gives him self-esteem and therefore can manage things very well. Snowdrop

southportguy

Just one word 'RESPECT'
Nothing else matters. If someone values you, whether a boss, work colleague or partner they wil have respect for you.
If they respect you then they will always try to do the right thing.
People screw up, and make mistakes but if they respect you then you can get through any problem.
If someone is lying to you continually about money then do be careful. Try to learn from other peoples posts.
Ok stay with him if that is where your heart lies, but do not commit to joint finances, or try to bail him out.
Once you state you will not take debts in your name to help him then you will see what he is really like.
Must admit that I do think that if someone continually lies to their partner then the writing is on the wall already. If this is at the back of your mind as well, then do not take any debts on as you will be left with them all on your lonesome.