Struggling with an unsupportive OH



  • rchddap1 wrote:
    In addition to the problem above:-

    If you solve his problems for him he will never learn. You pay off the debts...he celebrates because its all sorted...he then goes out and continues spending creating even more debt.

    This is exactly what happened to me - 3 times in the last 6 years! They never learn.:mad:
  • Hello honey,

    Follow your instincts....but be like an animal and smell long and hard...
    Have you ever had any doubts?'s the time to look....

    If you love this said man then by all means love him but..
    that isn't loving him, that's just prolonging his childhood.
    If you want a life in charge of someone's pursestrings that's fine

    Go fast forward a few years, a couple of children maybe, rent or a mortgage, mouths to feed, bills to pay...are you going to feel so well about this then.

    One of my friends has just decided to file for divorce because her husband forever lies about finances and makes new credit card debts whilst denying he even has one, not once but many times. She isn't happy to let a perpetual liar take food from her childrens mouths, and a roof from over their heads?

    All I can say is good luck with the future, but be oh so careful for yourself. We are all with you 101%+ whatever way you go.
  • hells_2
    hells_2 Posts: 297 Forumite
    *Thank God*
    I'm currently filing for divorce as my ex has ALL of the aforementioned problems....lying, spending money, taking money from me,getting me to bail him out left right and centre...lying in general about EVERYTHING and not admitting to any of it...I've had 7 years of it and can't take any more. It's time for his new tart that he's disappeared with to fund him now...(another lie he way was he seeing this OW despite conclusive evidence proving it)...he's virtually bankrupted me...£21k of debt in my own name, plus mortgage...and you know what the law says about all this....? I have to find even more cash for him to pay him out of the house (even though it's mine) is that right then? He'll blow the money in a weekend, what's the point??

    So glad I'm not alone in this....where did these blokes come from? Did they all land from Planet Zog one day and us poor sods ended up with them? Surely we deserve better than that! LOL
  • It's not just the blokes! Though I don't really compare with some of the ex-s (and current OHs) that have been talked about here, when Mr CF and I got together I was the one with some debt (about GBP2500) - just careless spending on credit cards and being a student for a long time. He was far more sorted, and his only debt was student loans.

    When we were planning to move in together and combine our accounts I luckily had the first of many lightbulb moments, and worked really hard to pay off all my debt before we did this. It was hard work, but it seemed the only right thing to do, to start our lives together with a clean slate. I certainly didn't expect him to bail me out. Since then, we've worked really hard together to keep communicating about money/ finances. It's a huge part of any couple's lives. We now have very similar views about spending and financial security etc and it makes life so much easier.

    OP, you might want to consider whether you want a lifetime of either worrying about what your OH is up to financially, or taking total control - and risking being resented by your OH. I know I would get very fed up of playing supernanny to a grown man. How can you respect someone who shows such disregard for your feelings and your security - not to mention your credit record?

    Have you talked about what you both want out of life - your goals - with him? Not just financial, but all the other things from getting hitched to buying a house to having kids to travelling etc? Maybe if he sees why its good to plan financially he might be more tempted to do it. Or maybe he'll reveal himself as not being the person you so much want him to be - and you 'll have to decide then whether you want to be with him.
  • Hi here are my views

    I think it is very important that you and you OH sort out any money issues now.

    Get a couple of pens a sheet of paper or even download a budget off relate, there is even a online money workshop questionaire thingy that you both can do which helps the money/buget discussion.

    Also get 2 glasses and a bottle of wine. There is no getting away from tjis you both need to sit down and talk about debt and bills. Sadly I didn't do this with my OH and I have learnt that his debt excluding mortgage is over £100K.

    You both need to look towards the future and what that may bring. If being in debt regardless of the amount is uncomfortable to you than you need to talk to him

    I agreee with what a lot of other people have said, this needs to be nipped in the bud, if you don't sort it now then there will be higher bills in the future as many people will tell you. Tell him you want a open relationship re money and tell him that you want to know to the penny what he owes.

    You can both work it out together but he has to see sense.

    Try the relate thingy and see if that gets him thinking

    All the best, I hope it doesn't end up like my OH

    Take Care
    Official DFW Nerd Club - Member no. 102:D
    Proud to be dealing with my debts
    "I want to break free"
  • ZTD
    ZTD Posts: 24,327 Forumite
    hells wrote:
    So glad I'm not alone in this....where did these blokes come from? Did they all land from Planet Zog one day and us poor sods ended up with them?

    No. It's just all the nice sensible blokes disappear into the kitchen at parties because "they're boring!".

    And the white-knuckle ride blokes give white-knuckle rides... :D
    "Follow the money!" - Deepthroat (AKA William Mark Felt Sr - Associate Director of the FBI)
    "We were born and raised in a summer haze." Adele 'Someone like you.'
    "Blowing your mind, 'cause you know what you'll find, when you're looking for things in the sky."
    OMD 'Julia's Song'
  • I feel for you so much. Years ago in a different life I was well and truly shafted by an ex husband ! When I met him I was unaware of his credit rating and debt from a previous relationship and it then all came out so everything had to be in my name. I already had my own house ( mortgaged) and was trying to bring up two young children and also working full time!. Little by little he managed to get a secondary card on all my credit cards and would have spending sprees and then make out someone had used his card ( my account!) also he lied and deceived me buy saying he got things really cheap when really he had got some cash which we really needed as a family and blew it on expensive boys toys!. Eventually the relationship broke down very acrimoniously and I was left with thousands of pounds worth of debt. What an idiot i was !!

    Anyway it ended up in court as he was trying to claim half my house which would mean that not only would he get half the equity after the sale but also I would be left with all the debt.... Not Good ! There is some light however. I was really fortunate to have an excellent legal aid solicitor who made the judge accept that he was liable for half of the debt. Result ? He got one thousand pounds in the end rather than about 20K !!! You should have seen his face!!!:D

    My advice and hugs to you is: If you love him and wantto stay with him you must make him see the distress this is causing , he needs to take responsibilty for his own debt and prove to you that he is. It is not your debt, whatever you do dont bail him out. Try to buy a house in your name, and make sure you protect yourself legally as you never know what may happen, sorry but i have been there! Tell him that until you can see him face up to his debt and sort it out you cannot trust him to be party to a mortgage I think that although this is quite hard it is a neccessity to protect yourself.
    Good Luck xx
  • well i sympathise with you, i am in a relationship and he is an undischarged bankcrupt, i new this when got together but it didnt worry me, all his so called friends warned me that he is forever borrowing money and was and sometimes is bad at repaying, i then got divorced got a hefty settlement having already been in debt i wanted to sort myself out, he then begged for money i started lending him little bits until after £2,000 i only got £500 back, and so that was a year ago, however my money dried up but i have just come into some money (not that much) and now he has decided he needs a new car for work, he has amazingly been approved for finance but now wants me to lend him £3,000 deposit!! i was strong today and said NO, well you can cut the atmosphere with a knife, but worst of all he has now asked his 79 yr old mother for the money!! to make me feel guilty, i ask myself "do i really have a future with this person? this is his 3rd time bankcrupt, he never has any money wants to go out wining & dining every weekend, well me i would rather stay in, this is the best one, 2 weeks ago he earnt £4,500 with different jobs (he is a plumber) but today he is £152 overdrawn!! will things ever get better, somehow he has no idea about money, but sureley being bankcrupt would make him stronger, his answer is NO because it means his debts are wiped out, also how can he get finance so easily, i cant and i work full time pay my way etc, sorry for rambling but until i read this i thought maybe i was being mrs meany
  • So sorry to hear about your problems, i have to say from reading your story I dont believe he will ever change !!! iDont mean to be too personal but if everything else is good in your relationship then you may have to live with it but find a way of PROTECTING yourself. This is really important, DONT lend him the money, from a relationship point of view ( this is coming from a professional head) you have to ride the storm. If you mean enough to him which I am sure you do then you will have to cope with the freeze out. I really feel for you because I have been had in the past but managed to fight it , not everyone can for various reasons.
    Also dont give up because we are all human and all have faults try and weigh up all the good and be strong

    Big Hugs xx
  • carras
    carras Posts: 32 Forumite
    My problem is not another half - unforunately - it is my brother.
    27 years ago I bought my house, had a good job, a car and just the mortgage as debt.
    Less than a year later my brother got a job near me abd moved in - short term(!).
    Nine years ago I crashed out of control and 'lost' 5 years of my life with the result that I am now not working and at 57 I have no prospect of work - I am now carer for my 84 year old Mum who arrived 24 years ago.
    Mum pays her way, more than her way, without her I could not manage gas, heating etc on social secureity and minimun DLA.
    Brother changed the way he pays for his accommodation while I was 'away with the fairies' and has not reverted back. My fault I paid off the mortgage with my savings when I realised the position I was in. I also told him and he took it as read that he could reduce his payment.
    I do not believe that any 50 year old man could find comfortable accommodation on less than £250 per month - but I know one who has and I am helpless to sort it out!
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