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Struggling with an unsupportive OH

edited 30 November -1 at 1:00AM in Debt-Free Wannabe
46 replies 13.1K views
Smithy22Smithy22 Forumite
36 posts
edited 30 November -1 at 1:00AM in Debt-Free Wannabe
This is my first post and I don't know if I'm really in the right place but anyhow here goes.

My problems is that I really want to be Debt Free but my OH makes it so difficult. I know my debt is not as big as others on here but is enough to make me sick with worry. My partner and I owe about £17,000 betweeen us. The problem is that I have always been quite good with money and managed my debt well but my OH is hopeless. We have been together 3 years and in this time he has lied to me countless times about money.

As we had been discussing buying a house together about a year ago we went to try and get a joint account. He was turned down because of his poor credit rating which was a complete suprise to me. He insisted it was to him also and denied all knowledge of o/s debts. I persuaded him to get a credit report and was shocked to discover defaulted accounts with 2 companies and 3 credit cards I knew nothing about. Alot of the debt was prior to our relationship but he had denied any knowledge until confronted with the evidence. I went through a very hard time then and thought it was behind us however have recently discovered that he has spent another £1000 on a credut card that he promised me had been destroyed. i know it is not a vast amount of money but just don't know what to do about it.

I'm well aware that non of you can help with my relationship!!! but I was just looking for some advice on people who have debt but are unwilling to face up to it. How can I make him see that its unacceptable and to start behaving responsibly towards our finances or am I just fighthing a losing battle??! He is in his mid 30's, by no means a chilld but his attitude towards money and debt is so juvenile. He buries his head in the sand and just hopes it will go away.

I'm sorry that this is so long and I do appreciate that I am not as in debt as alot of people here but would really appreciate any advice anyone has.

Thanks

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Replies

  • Hey smithy and welcome to MSE! You've come to the right place! :D

    Alot of people on here have problems with OH's where they are also hopeless with money. Unfortunately there is no secret to getting them on your side.

    Have you had a proper heart to heart about this? Maybe you could even show him this thread to show how serious you are about it? :confused:

    Tell him if he is serious about you 2 getting a place together then he needs to sort himself out. Maybe you could even deny him 'things' until he comes round to your way of thinking! ;)

    It's not easy and sometimes it takes a while but I'm pretty sure someone in a similar position to you will be along soon to advise you better! :D
  • I had this with my ex, and he never faced up to it.

    Your OH may not be like my ex, but please don't lend him money or take out credit in your name, however hard it may be to say no if he asks. I did that and ended up with £9k more than I should have.
    OU Student! - ED209, SDK125, DSE212, SK124, DSE141, SD226, DXR222, DD303, DD307 = BSc Psychology
  • I understand what your saying but if I decide that we are to stay together then the quickest way of sorting out this mess is for me to pay off his debts with a loan because he can't get a loan or any 0% cards cause his credit rating is so bad. I just feel like I'm trapped and don't know what to do for the best.
  • Smithy22 wrote:
    I understand what your saying but if I decide that we are to stay together then the quickest way of sorting out this mess is for me to pay off his debts with a loan because he can't get a loan or any 0% cards cause his credit rating is so bad. I just feel like I'm trapped and don't know what to do for the best.

    From reading other peoples experiences I will never ever take out credit for someone else in my name. :eek:

    I would be willing to help someone pay of their debts if I could afford it but taking on a credit agreement could have such serious repercussions (sp) on yourself should you split up or, touch wood it won't, that person dying. You will be fully liable and won't have a leg to stand on. :think:
  • rchddap1rchddap1 Forumite
    5.9K posts
    In addition to the problem above:-

    If you solve his problems for him he will never learn. You pay off the debts...he celebrates because its all sorted...he then goes out and continues spending creating even more debt.
    Baby Year 1: Oh dear...on the move

    Lily contracted Strep B Meningitis Dec 2006 :eek: Now seemingly a normal little monster. :beer:
    Love to my two angels that I will never forget.
  • Smithy22 wrote:
    I understand what your saying but if I decide that we are to stay together then the quickest way of sorting out this mess is for me to pay off his debts with a loan because he can't get a loan or any 0% cards cause his credit rating is so bad. I just feel like I'm trapped and don't know what to do for the best.

    If he can't be bothered to pay of his debts and is running up fresh debts on credit cards he says he has destroyed;

    Why would you want to pay of his debts when he is still running up fresh debts ?

    I think you need to have a serious heart to heart with him.
  • lynzpowerlynzpower Forumite
    25.3K posts
    If you take out a loan for him, his credit rating will be repaired and ET VOILA, get himself some new cards.

    DONT YOU DO THAT! Or you will be on a road to disasterville.

    If his rating is shot to bits then look on trhe brightside at least he cant run debt up at the moment.

    All you can do is lead by example and discuss the matter to the nth degree. If your priorities are right, ie do you want this house, how are you going to save for it, write up a graph or chart , how do you intend blah blah, and he cannot come up with the answers or the goods, rthen you need to make the decision, how much does he want the same things you want, and only you can make the decison on that

    Good luck & welcome :)
    :beer: Well aint funny how its the little things in life that mean the most? Not where you live, the car you drive or the price tag on your clothes.
    Theres no dollar sign on piece of mind
    This Ive come to know...
    So if you agree have a drink with me, raise your glasses for a toast :beer:
  • ZTDZTD Forumite
    24.3K posts
    Smithy22 wrote:
    My problems is that I really want to be Debt Free but my OH makes it so difficult.

    Right, the only way you are going to be debt free is if you pay off your debt. If you turn around and pay off your OH's debt, then he will not be debt free - he'll owe YOU.
    Smithy22 wrote:
    Alot of the debt was prior to our relationship but he had denied any knowledge until confronted with the evidence.

    So it isn't that he is not supportive (you misleading thread titler you! :) ) but that he is a liar. What else does he lie about?

    If you read the various other threads concerning OHs, you'll find they know they have debt, they admit they have debt, but doing something about lies somewhere in the future. After the footy and the beer... ;)

    Your problem is more akin to the OH gamblers, where they lie continuously to their partners.

    Do not get any joint finances. Do not pay off his debt. When he pays off his debt, and you are sure he's stopped lying, then start thinking about it. If this is going to be too far off in the future for you - well, that's a decision only you can make.
    "Follow the money!" - Deepthroat (AKA William Mark Felt Sr - Associate Director of the FBI)
    "We were born and raised in a summer haze." Adele 'Someone like you.'
    "Blowing your mind, 'cause you know what you'll find, when you're looking for things in the sky." OMD 'Julia's Song'
  • Thanks guys

    I know I sound pathetic and it seems obvious I would be better off out of it but lifes just not that simple is it??! especially when this is the person you thought you'd be spending the rest of your life with. We had the big heart to heart a year ago and I've only just found out that his debt has since increased (due to spending on the card last Nov/Dec time) so its taking some time to come to terms with. I have a single mortgage on my house but since we have been together he has been paying half the mortgage and bills and all our money and debts have been joint. I can't really see the wood for the trees at the moment and am too upset by it all so I will go away and try to work out what our individual financial positions and come back then.
  • I had a similar problem a few years ago, I am (generally) really good with money and my OH spent his as quick as he earnt it! He would keep things from me (like the hamster in the old egg card ad!) and I would lie to him about how much I had in my savings!
    I had to bail him out a few times and it did put quite a bit of strain on our relationship!
    After years of 'lovingly' nagging and telling him how I felt about it, he is now debt-free - I am so proud of him!
    Now I am the one with debt!!!
    Try talking to him about what you would want to do when you are debt free e.g. A nice holiday so you both have something to aim for.
    It may be useful to show your OH a plan of how you plan to get rid of your debts and let him know you mean business!!!

    Danielle x
    Debt at Highest £3989.04 on 01/09/06:eek:
    Debt Free 15/04/07 :j

    :cool: £2 Savings Cub - £96 (£50 banked)
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