Spouse contributing nothing to bills

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  • elsien
    elsien Posts: 32,750 Forumite
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    imaginary_binary wrote: »

    However what I am thinking is if we do split and I leave how on earth is she going to work then? I can pay for the mortgage and kids but I can't be expected to pay all her bills.

    Why would she not be able to work if you left?
    She does what other single parents do and either finds work that fits round school or she pays for wrap around childcare. Or goes onto benefits. And it won't be all of the time as presumably you would take your turn to have the children sometimes during the week and half of half terms and holidays?
    What did she do before she stopped work to have children?
    All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

    Pedant alert - it's could have, not could of.
  • Mojisola
    Mojisola Posts: 35,557 Forumite
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    elsien wrote: »
    She does what other single parents do and either finds work that fits round school

    She could be doing that now.
  • es5595
    es5595 Posts: 380 Forumite
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    Option 1) Try and work through your problems and get your marriage back on track. Maybe suggest childcare for the children so she can get into part time work? But, if like previous posters have suggested, she's quite happy being a lady of leisure, you'll struggle

    Option 2) Remove her and get a nanny/au pair. They'll be able to do what she does, but within clearly defined roles and for a set £. She can have access as and when, but you won't have to come home to an ungrateful and resentful wife

    Option 3) Persuade her she wants to move somewhere else. Get your house sold and move into rented accommodation 'temporarily', liquidising your main asset. The house sale price should be split 50:50, and then you can leave, and use your 50% to purchase somewhere else. You then have sufficient capital out the house to maintain your lifestyle, you can get an au-pair and have 50/50 shared care of the children, and get a clean break without having to spend the next xx years of your life paying a mortgage for a house you can no longer live in.
  • Ms_Chocaholic
    Ms_Chocaholic Posts: 12,596 Forumite
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    es5595 wrote: »
    Option 1) Try and work through your problems and get your marriage back on track. Maybe suggest childcare for the children so she can get into part time work? But, if like previous posters have suggested, she's quite happy being a lady of leisure, you'll struggle

    Option 2) Remove her and get a nanny/au pair. They'll be able to do what she does, but within clearly defined roles and for a set £. She can have access as and when, but you won't have to come home to an ungrateful and resentful wife

    Option 3) Persuade her she wants to move somewhere else. Get your house sold and move into rented accommodation 'temporarily', liquidising your main asset. The house sale price should be split 50:50, and then you can leave, and use your 50% to purchase somewhere else. You then have sufficient capital out the house to maintain your lifestyle, you can get an au-pair and have 50/50 shared care of the children, and get a clean break without having to spend the next xx years of your life paying a mortgage for a house you can no longer live in.




    The problem with Option 3 though is that OP will have to be tenant as in employment and can't just leave rented property without still being liable for rent.
    Thrifty Till 50 Then Spend Till the End
    You can please some of the people some of the time, all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time but you can never please all of the people all of the time
  • Comms69
    Comms69 Posts: 14,229 Forumite
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    Ms_Chocaholic wrote: »
    The problem with Option 3 though is that OP will have to be tenant as in employment and can't just leave rented property without still being liable for rent.



    The OP wouldn't have to be a tenant; if the tenancy was just in the wife's name.
  • Fireflyaway
    Fireflyaway Posts: 2,766 Forumite
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    Did your wife work prior to having kids? Did you ever agree what would happen once they started school? Maybe you need a discussion? I may be wrong but it seems maybe you and your wife are not On the same page and have not actually agreed on a plan of changes to improve things?
    If you don't talk and feel ignored and unappreciated maybe things have magnified in your mind and actually you could both find a solution if you had a proper discussion?
    I agree with what other posters are saying about childcare. My local nursery charges £50 a day so when your kids were young your wife probably did save the household considerable money. However sitting about all day when they are at school does seem lazy. I worked 9:30 - 2:30 mon to Fri when my daughter was small. Meant I still did the school runs and paid no childcare and the extra money helped. There are even term time only jobs so even the holidays need not be an excuse.
    If you can't work it out then I'd suggest legal advice. Naturally your wife will probably want the maximum she can get. It might not seem fair but you will have to do whatever the court decides. I agree you support the kids and agree you shouldn't have to support her. She can get a job.
  • imaginary_binary
    imaginary_binary Posts: 80 Forumite
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    Thanks for the replies, I think it's coming across a bit wrong here. I'm not angry at her for paying the bills etc. It's more to do with her checking out of the marriage, lack of intimacy etc which I know a lot of couples go through.

    We've talked about it for years. I wonder if she's depressed, she's feeling bored, she needs to get out of the house etc etc. But essentially she is fine with everything else she does the cooking and cleaning we go out etc but she would rather I sleep in a separate room. It's too much to explain here but that's the short version.

    Maybe I am doing something wrong and failing to understand her and therefore she's switched off but after years of this I feel like I want to get out of this marriage.

    So that's why I'm now thinking of the house and finances. Obviously I'll talk to a solicitor but what I'm thinking is she can stay with the kids in the house, I keep paying mortgage and kids costs and contribute to some bills.

    However, I'm concerned that she will still find excuses not to work or that all the bills are in my name and as she won't be able to keep up I'll be emotionally blackmailed into paying for them to. I don't know how it works (council tax / water / electric / insurance etc?)

    So I'd rather discuss these with her before I leave to minimise disruption. I just wondered if there's anything else I'm missing here to think of.
  • breaking_free
    breaking_free Posts: 762 Forumite
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    imaginary_binary wrote: »
    she would rather I sleep in a separate room.
    Woah! That's the big red flag right there. When did you become solely 'parents' and stop being 'husband and wife'?
    "The problem with Internet quotes is that you can't always depend on their accuracy" - Abraham Lincoln, 1864
  • Ms_Chocaholic
    Ms_Chocaholic Posts: 12,596 Forumite
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    Comms69 wrote: »
    The OP wouldn't have to be a tenant; if the tenancy was just in the wife's name.




    But there's a stumbling block, she doesn't have a job.
    Thrifty Till 50 Then Spend Till the End
    You can please some of the people some of the time, all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time but you can never please all of the people all of the time
  • imaginary_binary
    imaginary_binary Posts: 80 Forumite
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    breaking_free wrote: »
    Woah! That's the big red flag right there. When did you become solely 'parents' and stop being 'husband and wife'?

    Yep, it's happened gradually over the years... doesn't seem to bother her in the slightest....
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