Spouse contributing nothing to bills

thorsoak

OP - have either of the two of you gained/lost weight in the past two years? Has the personal hygiene of either of you changed?

moneyistooshorttomention

thorsoak wrote: »

OP - have either of the two of you gained/lost weight in the past two years? Has the personal hygiene of either of you changed?

Quite!:T

Previous poster inferred it's the OP's attitude that is meaning the marriage has gone sexless by the sound of it.

But it is the case that not all couples "match" in the personal standards they maintain. Most either "keep themselves together" on the one hand or "let themselves go" on the other hand - but there are couples where one "keeps themselves together" and the other "lets themselves go" and that is not a match and the one who "keeps themself together (ie correct weight/good hygiene/etc) must thoroughly resent the one who "lets themselves go" and I guess one notices mismatched couples in this respect so infrequently because the one who does make an effort resents the other one too much for the marriage to last.

It may be the case that OP is someone that "keeps themselves together" and the wife's obvious laziness extends to "letting herself go" - but we can't tell from here whether this is part of what is going on in this case. They may or may not be a "grooming match".

...and...yes...I do agree that the wife does sound rather lazy if she's not doing a job and only doing a minimal amount of housework - even though the children are both now at school. So she should be "paying her way" either by earning money as well on the one hand or "keeping the house immaculate/doing all the moneysaving stuff like shopping-around/growing food in the garden etc" on the other hand or possibly a bit of both (ie a small job and being a Good Housekeeper/Gardener).

paddy's_mum

It seems to me that OP's anger is at the root of a lot of this, and it alters his story depending upon which aspect of their relationship he is thinking of at any given time.

In post 5, he says that she cleans only the kitchen when she feels like it but in post 28 says she does all the cooking and cleaning. Which is it? Which answer can safely be trusted?

If my husband suggested that I move in with my parents (or family) as a sensible suggestion of a way forward, rather than seeking professional help, I suspect that I'd have little to say to him when he got home...

It is a difficult and hurtful situation, OP, but nothing will ever improve while neither of you are communicating effectively - that means communicating not just jaw jaw talking.

Good luck.

paddy's_mum

imaginary_binary wrote: »

I don't know how it works (council tax / water / electric / insurance etc?)

Why not?

Perhaps your wife does a great deal more than you yet realise.

chesky

What the OP doesn't seem to realise is that, when you're at home with children for years, you lose your confidence. It's very difficult to build it up again, sufficient to consider that somebody will want to employ you. It needs a sympathetic partner to help build your confidence up again, not someone who denigrates you all the time. The OP may not have realised that, over the years he has belittled or not even noticed when his wife has made an effort to do something, so has given up trying.

chesky

Sorry, should have said that his wife has given up trying.

Should have read before posting.

Mela322

Raising children and running a household is an operation that starts in the morning and doesn't end till she gets the children into bed. There are many men that think their day ends when they get home and they are done for the day leaving the wife to get dinner cooked, clean up after and then help children with homework and then bedtime.

Marriage takes 2 and it sounds as though you don't appreciate anything she does but wants sex. She is probably tired. There are many times my husband is rearing to go and I'm exhausted from going all day.

Maybe she doesn't want to get out of the house because she is tired or she would rather be at home with her family or it might be because she has been made to feel she doesn't contribute financially and seeing she doesn't work...has no money to go out.

There is this advert out about a husband who comes home for dinner but all he see is a mess and disorder. He upsets his wife and it goes through her day of all the stress she has done, all the hard work she has done, and completing a full checklist. Her final tick was to have a lovely meal with her husband. He didn't see all the work she had done just because there was some disorder when he got home. There is so much behind the scenes work going on. If you aren't showing her appreciation then she won't feel appreciated. This works both ways.

It's never too late to fix a marriage if both work hard at it, communication is key and don't ever go in defensive mode. Let her talk to you, let her get it all out and listen to every word she is saying. If you don't agree, wait to the end and then share calmly and respectfully your feelings and your side. Then work together on what each of you expect out of your marriage. Both of you need to make compromises. If you have done anything to upset her, just say I'm sorry and hold her. I bet she will say sorry in return.

It sounds like you both have checked out of the marriage and as you say, it's been over a long period of time. If you have been giving her a hard time about the house and money, that would have slowly pushed her away. By her stepping back, it's caused you to do the same.

I hope your marriage can be saved.

Guerillatoker

Whilst I know the OP is probably massaging details to make himself feel better about the situation I think people are being a bit harsh in disregarding his view at the amount of effort his wife is putting in.

I am all for caregivers being valued equally as wage earners in a household but it sounds like the OP is at home with the kids at the same time as the mother (give or take 1 or 2 hrs), so we don't even know if she is the one providing all the childcare.

I also think it is worth weighing up what would have the biggest impact on the family: The OP checking out and quitting his job, or his wife refusing to clean and care for the kids? The OP has already suggested he is willing to do the latter and work. (Easier said than done!)

However I will say this to OP: If you cannot stop evaluating each other's effort in the marriage you are on a sinking ship and need to either right it quickly, by communicating (Mela322 gives a good methodology above), or abandon ship.

DavidF

If this topic had been posted 20 years ago the posters in the majority would have told op that being a stay at home mum was a rewarding career choice and that those who entrusted their kids to strangers were emotionally depriving their kids of love, stability ect ect. Post today and now it's the working mum's who sneer at a woman who decided to become a stay at home mum.....How times have changed lol. As for the question that OP asked. She will get half at least. She will retain sole custody of your children, You will pay for these children until they leave full-time education including college and uni. If you have a large pension you will have to negotiate whether you are going to lose more than 50% of the house or you will owe her part of your pension. Court will most probably "force" you to pay the mortgage and keep kids in the home until they are 18 too. Beware the partner who feels they have been badly treated they can make life and finances very very difficult indeed. The slightest "He/she frightens the children" and the "offending" party will end up out the house zero contact with a shed load of bills to pay and a few people with a 20-year grudge (whether right or wrong"

Red-Squirrel_2

DavidF wrote: »

Post today and now it's the working mum's who sneer at a woman who decided to become a stay at home mum.....How times have changed lol.

Which posts are you referring to?

The only person I can see on here having a go at the wife for not working is her husband!