Falling out of love with my wife

OP I really do feel for you. I've been in a similar situation (minus children) and I think it's important to remember that you should be a team and you are not your wife's enemy, nor is she yours. I think you need to have a frank conversation about how you feel but I would also recommend reading/listening to Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus - it has opened my eyes to how different men and women read different situations and how they value different things. Of course, this is general and is not applicable to ALL men and ALL women but I've found it to be quite accurate.


I really do hope this works out the way you want it to.

Relationships do often go through harder patches, and sometimes you need to work at it. If you are constantly working really hard just to keep things at 'I can live with this' then maybe it is time to look at whether the relationship is one which has a future, but it doesn't sound as though you are necessarily there yet.

It sounds as though you are both reacting to the fact that some of the original romance and excitement as faded, you're both now working and you have a child who no doubt uses up a lot of your time and energy.

It also sounds as though you aren't communicating with each other very well. She seems to feel you've become neglectful and don't 'treat' her any more, you seem to feel she doesn't appreciate your work and financial support, and you get irritated and dismissive of her conversation.

Some things you could do:

- think about things you could do to 'treat her' without it costing a lot. Maybe offer to take your child out for a morning, so she can pamper herself with a lie in, nice long bath, something of that kind? Or even smaller things, bringing her flowers sometimes, suggesting something you know she likes so she doesn't have to ask. I suspect that some of what she is saying isn't really about wanting you to pay for stuff, it's about wanting some demonstration that you still love her, which is why paying for her own nails isn't necessarily the answer. when is the last time you did something romantic or special for her? Little things like writing her a note or card for no other reason than to tell her you love her, that kind of small gesture, can be really important.

- Child care is expensive, but are there ways that the two of you could work out how to go out together sometimes? For instance, join a baby-sitting circle, or just set up a reciprocal arrangement with any friends who have children, that perhaps you (or one of you) sits for them once a month, and they do the same for you once a month, so you all get an evening out without any child care costs.

- Make a specific effort to notice what she does to make your family life better, and comment on it. Small compliments or things that show you actually noticed what she was doing can go a very long way to make someone feel appreciated, and it is very easy to feel unappreciated and unnoticed. (and if she notices and starts to reciprocate, you may feel happier, too.)

- try to talk to her about how you feel at a time when you aren't already snapping at each other. Be prepared to listen to her as well. try to avoid things which are critical of her - go for "I" statements not "you" statements . (e.g. "I feel that that my contributions aren't appreciated" rather than "You never the work I do" or "you always want more, no matter what I give you" )
think about what you would like to see change, and suggest that, and ask what she would like to see change.

So from what you say, you might benefit from some couples counselling , if she would be willing to go with you, as they could hlp you try to improve communication.

This is parenthood...tired, skint and feeling put upon. It does stop eventually. How about agreeing a regular date night when you can concentrate on each other? It doesn't have to be expensive, it just has to be about the two of you.

JackeeBoy wrote: »

... the fundamental problem is I think she moans too much and she thinks I dismiss her feelings. We are almost definitely right about each other.

You say a few times that she moans too much but if this

JackeeBoy wrote: »

She gets annoyed at me because I have a terrible habit of rushing her conversations along or trying to get her to finish what she is saying simply because I don't want to hear it.

is the way you generally treat her then I'm not surprised. You may think that it's unfounded moaning but if you're not even willing to listen to her of course she's going to feel that you're dismissive.

JackeeBoy wrote: »

She keeps saying how she likes a tidy house and I admit, I am not the neatest of people so there are cases where her moaning is valid but most are just completely fabricated. She will go borderline ape !!!! if I leave a kitchen clothe somewhere it should not be

My husband could quite easily have written that about me but what he fails to realise is that the explosion isn't so much about the kitchen cloth being in the wrong place as the 20 other things I've already dealt with.

Also, whether it's fair or not, she probably sees the fact that you can't be bothered to put a cloth where she's repeatedly told you it should go as further evidence of how dismissive you are of her feelings.

andydownes123 wrote: »

Completely understand your sentiments TBagpuss, but OP don't do this if you want your relationship to work. Ever heard of death by a thousand concessions? Don't reward her bad behaviour by giving more! What she needs is a display of strength from you.

Or maybe what she needs is to feel even vaguely valued. I know that I resent the mind-numbing drudgery of housework less if I feel that my husband appreciates the effort rather than taking it for granted. A 'display of strength' and unwillingness to take my feelings into account would be more likely to end my marriage than calm my temper.