Falling out of love with my wife

Pollycat

JackeeBoy wrote: »

All of you are right to some extent. Yes, there are things I can do that don't cost anything but it's not like I am being treated like a prince in return. Yes, since the child a lot of our needs have probably become more basic like having a tidy house etc., but I still bust my bank balance to buy her fancy shoes, dresses whilst I am getting wearing shoes to work that need replacing and have one pair to go out with. All of that is my choice but it's so frustrating to have that all thrown back in my face because I don't treat her good anymore.

And what confuses me is when she mentions that and I ask how?, she mentions the superficial things like the dining out and gifts.

Does she understand finance?
Does she understand your joint income and outgoings?

JackeeBoy wrote: »

In regards to money, though I earn more, we split things in such a way that we end up with the same every month, in fact she gets more even though I am the higher earner. All our bills and fixed cost are put together, paid for out of our salary and whatever is left we split 50/50. That includes her work travel and previously her loan (I don't have travel expenses) so it's more in her favour than it is mine. Ad hoc stuff are paid for by me so typically every month she would have more money than I do.

So what does your wife do with her share of the money?

Why are you buying her things out of your bank balance?

JackeeBoy wrote: »

And the reason I have this bad habit of hurrying her up is because she talks for so long. I remember one time she misheard me and I tried to stop and correct her only to be shut down. I thought I would let it go and correct her when finished. She was talking and repeating herself for 48 minutes (yes I timed it), going back and forth on the same point all the time. She is also constantly accusing me of stuff and this all becomes very tiresome and has sucked away all patience I had for her.

You really timed her whilst she was talking to you?
Really?

I think this poster has it right:

polgara wrote: »

Forget falling out of love with your wife, it sounds like you can’t stand her.

Red-Squirrel_2

JackeeBoy wrote: »

@TBagpuSS @andydownes123 @Izadora

All of you are right to some extent. Yes, there are things I can do that don't cost anything but it's not like I am being treated like a prince in return. Yes, since the child a lot of our needs have probably become more basic like having a tidy house etc., but I still bust my bank balance to buy her fancy shoes, dresses whilst I am getting wearing shoes to work that need replacing and have one pair to go out with. All of that is my choice but it's so frustrating to have that all thrown back in my face because I don't treat her good anymore.

And what confuses me is when she mentions that and I ask how?, she mentions the superficial things like the dining out and gifts. I then bring up the fact we have a child, the fact we have childcare cost and the fact that, despite all of that, I manage to get her gifts and have never had a problem looking after the child by myself so she can go out. After that is mentioned, that's when she brings up the house being tidy etc. and why that annoys the hell out of me is because she is actually the messiest person in the house. I leave plates out, she always leave plates out with food in them. I might not tidy up the child toys every evening, the carpet is always full of her hair. So I know if I bought her shoes every week she would be happy, but when I mention I can't do that, she switches her grievances to things like the tidying up and not letting her speak.

And the reason I have this bad habit of hurrying her up is because she talks for so long. I remember one time she misheard me and I tried to stop and correct her only to be shut down. I thought I would let it go and correct her when finished. She was talking and repeating herself for 48 minutes (yes I timed it), going back and forth on the same point all the time. She is also constantly accusing me of stuff and this all becomes very tiresome and has sucked away all patience I had for her.

The child is yours as much as hers, so looking after it is not some kind of favour!

I wonder if it’s not gifts and treats she really wants from you so much as a bit of kindness and some signs that you care about her, which is harder to express.

You sound so completely sick of her that you openly admit you don’t bother listening to her anymore. Timing her talking to you is pretty bad.

I think you should both go to counselling tbh. You have a very young child, you owe it to the child and to each other to give it your best efforts.

BrassicWoman

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

The child is yours as much as hers, so looking after it is not some kind of favour!

This x 100!!


How is the household maintenance activity and childcare split? eg
are you doing 50% of cleaning the child, putting to bed, bedtime stories, shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, bin emptying, scrubbing the loo, car washing, lawn mowing, window cleaning, being off when child is sick, GP and nurse visits?


Who gets how much time on their own to do what? Getting nails done is not a money thing; it's an hour of peace and quiet thing.



Comments about you watching too much TV suggest resentment, so how's the work split? And have you discussed that, and do you both think it is fair ? (doesn;t matter what we think!)



You sound like you want a childminder, a housekeeper, and sex,


Top tip: be single, and buy all of those services in, if that's what it is about.

FBaby

I remind her about the fact that I am actually working but are stubbornness won't let her apologise or admit she's wrong so instead she just doubles down and keeps saying she just needs a minute.

You've fallen into a very common vicious circle that leads to so many marriages breaking apart.

You are both tired, stressed, pressured, all the normal feeling that working parents experience and this had led both of you to become self-centred and focused on you own needs rather than considering the wider picture and impact on the other.

The sentence above is a typical example of it. You are focusing on the examples that in your views prove that she is unreasonable. Then you make a point that you were right in the way you dealt with the situation and therefore she should apologise to you. What you are not considering is that for every such instance you can point out, she probably has as many example of you being unreasonable that she could refer to.

When resentment grow, it makes you focus on trying to justify your actions and accusexthose of your partner. As both do that, they convince themselves that it is up for the other to imlent change and only when they do will you consider implementing some changes too. Each are waiting for the other to make that first move and as neither consider how the other one is feeling and remains routed to the feeling that they are being wronged, nothing positive happens and resentment grows even more until both have become mentally exhausted, emotionally numb and there's nothing left to want to work things out together.

Someone will need to make the first move. It Really doesn't matter who does it. It's not a contest. Make the first move and start putting yourself in her shoes. Doing so is not undermining your grief, it's trying to understand hers to allow you to see that she feels as hard done by as you do. Then focusing on her frustrations, start to implement some changes that will make feel better about herself and so ultimately better about you. When she does, if love is still there, she will then release some of her self-prtectivness to want to give back.

It might be a slow process so don't expect immediate results, but remember that taking that first step will a tuslly make you feel better about it all because at best, it will be the first move to getting your loving for each other back and at worse, if it foes t you'll be able to kick any guilt feeling knowing that at least you genuinely tried.

NeilCr

Good post FBaby. I very much agree.

When I was married I worked and my wife didn't. I had quite a long commute and, when I got in, just wanted to put my feet up, have a cuppa and catch up with the TV news. My wife would come in and start talking to me straightaway - over the TV. It used to drive me mad - I was happy to chat but just wanted to chill out for twenty minutes or so.

From my wife's POV - she didn't see many people at the time - she wanted to get things off her chest and raise any problems she'd had. I'd drive her mad, too, as she thought I wasn't interested - indeed more interested in the football results/news for example

As others have said it all got a bit entrenched and we both got resentful. You don't see it so well when you are in it. And, it's not always a case of right or wrong - just different perceptions.

Someone does need to make the first move - it's not a sign of weakness or "losing" for the person who makes it.

pickledonionspaceraider

JackeeBoy wrote: »

And the reason I have this bad habit of hurrying her up is because she talks for so long..

You sound completely out of tune with your wife

She is talking for so long, BECAUSE you are not listening

To be honest, you mention about thinking if you win the lottery you could live alone....that is pretty sad to be fair...that means you are only staying for financial reasons / an easy financial life

and as for your thoughts about her booking doctors appointments, you do realise that patients have to fit in with doctors, basically take the next available appointment - not the other way round

I feel sorry for your wife.

CityOwl

NeilCr wrote: »

Good post FBaby. I very much agree.

When I was married I worked and my wife didn't. I had quite a long commute and, when I got in, just wanted to put my feet up, have a cuppa and catch up with the TV news. My wife would come in and start talking to me straightaway - over the TV. It used to drive me mad - I was happy to chat but just wanted to chill out for twenty minutes or so.

From my wife's POV - she didn't see many people at the time - she wanted to get things off her chest and raise any problems she'd had. I'd drive her mad, too, as she thought I wasn't interested - indeed more interested in the football results/news for example

As others have said it all got a bit entrenched and we both got resentful. You don't see it so well when you are in it. And, it's not always a case of right or wrong - just different perceptions.

Someone does need to make the first move - it's not a sign of weakness or "losing" for the person who makes it.

This is me and my husband but we have managed to stay together, 26 years last August. The early years were tough; 3 children under 4 years old, only hubby working, one crappy car that kept breaking down, no fancy holidays and just about managing to pay the mortgage and bills.

What has kept us together? Fundamentally we like each other as people; we talk, we laugh, we plan and we argue as we are both strong-minded people. He would still be my friend if he wasn’t my husband and I respect him too much to hurt him in any way. Like and respect keep the relationship going in tough times when love is a bit short in supply.

Do you actually like and respect each other as people? In my opinion there is hope if you do.

NeilCr

CityOwl wrote: »

This is me and my husband but we have managed to stay together, 26 years last August. The early years were tough; 3 children under 4 years old, only hubby working, one crappy car that kept breaking down, no fancy holidays and just about managing to pay the mortgage and bills.

What has kept us together? Fundamentally we like each other as people; we talk, we laugh, we plan and we argue as we are both strong-minded people. He would still be my friend if he wasn’t my husband and I respect him too much to hurt him in any way. Like and respect keep the relationship going in tough times when love is a bit short in supply.

Do you actually like and respect each other as people? In my opinion there is hope if you do.

We liked and respected each other - still do. We split many years ago (we had been together 26 years too) but remain friends and talk each week. In some ways we are better now with each other than when we were together. We haven't seen each ther for a long time but, when we did meet up for any length of time after we split, the irritations soon arose - on both sides.

Our communication was poor (both sides fault) and we ended up in pretty separate lives. We really didn't have that much in common - no kids - so it was the right decision to part. We are both happier now, too.

Pollycat

CityOwl wrote: »

Do you actually like and respect each other as people? In my opinion there is hope if you do.

I know you quoted Neilcr's post so maybe you meant this question for him...but I think it sounds like the OP doesn't like his wife at all and I can't see much hope for the future of the relationship.

NeilCr

Pollycat wrote: »

I know you quoted Neilcr's post so maybe you meant this question for him...but I think it sounds like the OP doesn't like his wife at all and I can't see much hope for the future of the relationship.

Yes I agree. There certainly is a lot of resentment.

I, also, wasn't sure whether or not CityOwl's question was directed at me or the OP.