Falling out of love with my wife

JackeeBoy

Hi all.

I am curious if anyone here has been through a rough patch in their marriage, fell out of love with their partner but done something that got it back on track?

My wife and I have been married for three years and been together for seven. There was always this contradiction so to speak in our relationship where she was very emotional and I wasn't. However, that has allowed us to better each other. I am far from perfect but I have grown so much in regards to my morals and confidence since I've been with her. Despite being raised by a very masculine dad and brothers, she is the reason many people look at me as a man.

We live in our own house and have a young child. The problem is not anything extreme but we just seem to annoy each other. I get annoyed at her when she complains that I don't take her out anymore and treat her like a princess. The reason I get annoyed is because any lack of social activity is due to us having a child and having a bunch of childcare fees to pay for. In addition, it's not like she is doing the same things she did to me before the child either. And every time we do go out or a birthday or Christmas gift is needed, it's always me giving her something.

She gets annoyed at me because I have a terrible habit of rushing her conversations along or trying to get her to finish what she is saying simply because I don't want to hear it. I could go into many examples if you want but the fundamental problem is I think she moans too much and she thinks I dismiss her feelings. We are almost definitely right about each other.

The thread title is probably misleading as I will always love her, but maybe not in that way. Most of the time we will be okay that she'' do something and I'll just think that I can't be bothered with this anymore. Today for example, I am watching something and she comes into the room and sits down. Before all of this we are getting on fine, joking and talking on the way back from work. She says something about wanting to get her nails done and I mentioned when I get paid. She then sighs and mentions how I don't treat her anymore. I thought she was joking around so smiled and went back to what I was watching. A few minutes later she just says "oh, so your TV is more important than me?" then storms upstairs.

When that happened, I simply could not be bothered. I wasn't gonna ask her what was wrong or apologise for not dropping everything to respond to that comment. It's stupid little things like that.

So, I thought to myself. If I won the lottery, or even could just afford to live by myself, would I want to be in this relationship? The answer now is no. Now, I am not blaming my wife, it could very well all be me, but just wanted to know if anyone here has successfully repaired a relationship?

enthusiasticsaver

I think most marriages go through rough patches especially if you have young children and the associated financial/lack of time/sleep deprivation that goes alongside. Communication is the key. Does your wife work? How do you organise your finances? She feels she wants a bit of pampering probably used to before you had a child and you think you cannot afford it (hence wait until you get paid). She obviously felt you weren't listening or appreciating her and you thought she was being demanding in wanting money for luxuries when maybe money is tight.

I think if you can build some time and maybe money into having a date night where either you go out if you can afford it or at least turn the TV off, have a nice meal you cook together plus maybe some wine and you talk might be helpful. It just requires a bit of effort on both parts. Marriage is hard.

Comms69

You said childcare costs and travelling back from work, so presumably she works? Possibly in the same place as you; so not dissimilar salary?


Why would she not just pay for it herself?


Marriage is an equal partnership.

[Deleted User]

TBH I think once irritation and indifference enter a relationship its very difficult to get it back on track, you cant force love .

dancingqueen27

Think where you like to be in 3 years time. Do you still want to be with your wife? If so make it work - talk about differences, expectations etc. Take turns at going out with your own friends. Plan weekends or activities together, something you can look forward to.

Good luck :-)

Pollycat

Comms69 wrote: »

You said childcare costs and travelling back from work, so presumably she works? Possibly in the same place as you; so not dissimilar salary?


Why would she not just pay for it herself?


Marriage is an equal partnership.

I thought that too about the nails.

I wonder if the OP is controlling about money.
It sounds like he wants to have the final say on how money is spent (or not spent).

The relationship sounds odd if both are earning.

JackeeBoy wrote: »

She gets annoyed at me because I have a terrible habit of rushing her conversations along or trying to get her to finish what she is saying simply because I don't want to hear it. I could go into many examples if you want but the fundamental problem is I think she moans too much and she thinks I dismiss her feelings. We are almost definitely right about each other.

Actually, I'd be bloody furious if my OH couldn't be bothered to listen to what I had to say - even if I was moaning.

The relationship - 7 years in - doesn't sound too good.

Comms69

Pollycat wrote: »

I thought that too about the nails.

I wonder if the OP is controlling about money.
It sounds like he wants to have the final say on how money is spent (or not spent).

The relationship sounds odd if both are earning.



Actually, I'd be bloody furious if my OH couldn't be bothered to listen to what I had to say - even if I was moaning.

The relationship - 7 years in - doesn't sound too good.

Possibly, although the OP mentions several times that his wife wants to be 'treated' - who doesn't right! - so the suggestion seems to be that it's 'his' money that should be used.

hazyjo

Sounds like she just feels you're taking her for granted. She would like something from you that's a bit unexpected. Relationships can get boring and predictable. Maybe someone has shown her some interest and she's not responding but it's making her re-examine her relationship.

She does sound like she's poking you a bit, but then from what you've said, I probably would too.

My OH niggles me. I niggle him. It's part of being in a relationship. Sometimes I think 'just leave', but he'd be horrified to know that. He never thinks that re me. The next day I can't imagine loving him any more.

As others have pointed out, how's the money split? Can you just have £X amount of spending money each month? Shove it into a separate account for her if you're the one earning. She's prob feeling like all the money she ever has or gets given gets spent on your child.

I do think it's salvageable, but it will need work. Make her smile again and her whole attitude towards you will change. If my OH is irritated with me, I'll feel it instantly and not want to be with him and be swearing under my breath feeling wound up all day. When he's in a good mood, I am too.

Our fave thing to do is sit round the dining table with a drink, and choosing songs each off youtube. It always ends up being the best night. Doesn't have to be an expensive night out.

People do tend to use children as excuses a lot of the time. There must be friends or family who'd happily have your child overnight. Not one of my friends has ever asked me and I'd have been only too happy to look after their kids if it meant them getting a night out together.

davidwood681

Regardless of if you can/want to save the relationship people (both you and your wife) deserve to be happy in life.

I was in a relationship when I was younger where I thought things will get better. After it ended someone came along who ''knocked my socks off'' and I can't imagine not being with them.

I loved the first person but sometimes it's just not meant to be.

System

She's s**t testing you. Best thing is not to rise to it. Typical to say "you don't treat me anymore" - absolute rubbish. It takes two to tango and why is it all your fault that she is not treated? Why is the onus on you to provide this? The TV comment is what's known as a s**t test - how you respond to these will mark out the relationship for the future. You start jumping at these little tests and suddenly respect starts to wain.



The main issue need careful consideration. Sounds like it could be sorted with a frank discussion.

JackeeBoy

Thanks for the reply all. In regards to money, though I earn more, we split things in such a way that we end up with the same every month, in fact she gets more even though I am the higher earner. All our bills and fixed cost are put together, paid for out of our salary and whatever is left we split 50/50. That includes her work travel and previously her loan (I don't have travel expenses) so it's more in her favour than it is mine. Ad hoc stuff are paid for by me so typically every month she would have more money than I do.

andydownes123 wrote: »

She's s**t testing you. Best thing is not to rise to it. Typical to say "you don't treat me anymore" - absolute rubbish. It takes two to tango and why is it all your fault that she is not treated? Why is the onus on you to provide this? The TV comment is what's known as a s**t test - how you respond to these will mark out the relationship for the future. You start jumping at these little tests and suddenly respect starts to wain.




The main issue need careful consideration. Sounds like it could be sorted with a frank discussion.

it is a test and the fact I can no longer be bothered to rise to it is a problem for the relationship I guess because I have stopped caring. Also, frank discussions don't work. She just ends up getting upset. Conversations don't follow a logical path and I just end up getting annoyed.

A few weeks back for example, she's booked a couple doctor appointments on the days she's off (works part time) and our child is not at nursery so I had to book a day off to take care of the child. Soon after she books another appointment but I can't book a day off. It's quiet so working from home and sitting the little one in front of the TV should work. She comes back from her appointment and starts doing her hair. Little one is running around as usual in places he really shouldn't (he likes the stairs and the kitchen). I (very consciously) nicely ask if she can do her hair later and that she just blows up at me saying all she needs is a minute and I should stop giving her attitude. She then ask "why are you complaining that I asked you to take him? What would you be doing if I wasn't here?". I remind her about the fact that I am actually working but are stubbornness won't let her apologise or admit she's wrong so instead she just doubles down and keeps saying she just needs a minute.

And my reference previously to her moaning all the time. She keeps saying how she likes a tidy house and I admit, I am not the neatest of people so there are cases where her moaning is valid but most are just completely fabricated. She will go borderline ape !!!! if I leave a kitchen clothe somewhere it should not be, but we constantly do it herself, leave food around, utensils in the sofa and even complain and stuff she has done thinking it was me and not realising it was her!

There are so many incidents like the above on a almost daily basis.