Falling out of love with my wife

onomatopoeia99

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

Isn't it that the 'not as regular' is actually quite important? Cooking, cleaning, laundry, school run, kids homework etc. take up a lot more time off the person doing them than DIY or taking the car for an MOT does.

When I was a child, I did my homework, not my parents, and I did it on my own. In what households do parents do their children's homework for them?

belfastgirl23

FBaby wrote: »

I agree with your post Belfastgirl, but also think in such situation, it is quite common to put more the blame on the man, maybe because its more often women expressing their frustration than men.

I really do think that being a man going to work is as hard and stressful than the woman at home with the kids. It's a different type of hardness. For the woman, it's the lack of physical freedom, being constantly bombarded by demands and the needs to constantly plan. For men, it's the weight of responsibilities. They have all the weight of financially supporting the family. They might hate their job, be miserable but know they can't pack it in because the family and everything that holds it together depends on his income.

Both suffer from tiredness, a different type, but one that makes everyday life hard to enjoy a lot of the time. When the woman has had to deal with kids who have had tantrums all day, have coloured the carpet with paint, who have refused to eat what was cook for them, it's hell. The man will however often imagine the day full of fun together, time to have a break when the kids are napping, being able to stay in your pyjamas all day.

When you have to get up early despite no sleep, get stuck in commuting traffic, getting in the office with a boss already asking for a report, colleagues who are off sick so needing to pick up their work, having to make a presentation in a few hours, not having had to prepare, it's hell. The woman will imagine it's a case of getting to the office, having time to chat with colleagues over coffee, having time to enjoy lunch with a bit of shopping or reading the newspaper, and commuting is bliss with being able to listen to music with noone interfering.

That's the problem, it's easy to portray the life of our partners in its best light when it is rarely that. We then compare and assume they ha e it better so expect them to do more to help, and do without being asked to. Both feel misunderstood and put it down to selfishness and therefore for the other to make efforts.

I agree with you as well - and the early years of raising a family are often hard on both parents whatever their circumstances. I’m not really blaming the OP, more trying to get him to see that he has power in the situation. Something has to change and he can’t change her but can change himself and his own behaviour. What they are both doing now isn’t working and it feels like he sees his only power is to walk away, which isn’t true. I reckon with a young child in the house it’s worth a try to see if he can start to change the tone of the relationship before walking away.

Red-Squirrel_2

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

When I was a child, I did my homework, not my parents, and I did it on my own. In what households do parents do their children's homework for them?

Obviously I didn't mean doing it for them, but in the early years especially a parent needs to be involved. Reading books, going through spellings, supporting with projects etc.

I suspect you are well aware of what I meant though!

Any comments on the actual point of my post?

FBaby

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

Isn't it that the 'not as regular' is actually quite important? Cooking, cleaning, laundry, school run, kids homework etc. take up a lot more time off the person doing them than DIY or taking the car for an MOT does.

The counter argument is that doing the garden and DIY is much more physically tiriing and both involve an element of research and planning.

You seem to do exactly what ends up in resentment which is to justify that one's activity is more demanding than the other. Personally, I much prefer to cook every day which if planned well can be a 1/2 hour job, not physical and not mentally demanding than doing 3h of DIY on Saturday.

Even if the outcome is that one does a bit more than the other taking everything into account, should it really justify the level of resentment that leads to constant nagging and stress when it could very well be that in 1 years, 5 years or 10, the tables could be turned?

Ultimately, when life become so stressful that we end up calculating every minute of what we do compared to our partner, its our overall priorities that we need to review. Of course, there are some lazy people who will be happy to do little and let the other person do everything. This justifies taking the time to get each other well before deciding to have a family with them. I do think that all in all, the issue is more a case of being self absorbed in our grief than a genuine significant disparity between what one does compared to the other that justifies the level of resentment and anger that leads to questioning the love we have for our partner.

SuperPikachu

Interesting read! Some good points made by people too

Stoke

Quite enjoyed reading this thread, and there's some great advice, but I must admit, I personally think the real issue is the fact you're just not getting on anymore unfortunately. If you really feel that you'd be better alone (financial reasons forbidding), then you probably should be I'm afraid.

People say that a relationship is 50/50. Actually, change that mindset. If a relationship is half and half, then when it begins to go wrong, you will intrinsically look to blame the other half.

If you consider a relationship 100/100, then it is down to both of you to make it better, especially when things are going wrong. It's a two-way street.

@FBaby - for what it's worth, I think your post is excellent and sums up my feelings better than I could have. I did read this thread thinking that if you swap the 'sex' of the OP to female, they would be called 'empowered' but when it's a man..... we can't be having that.

When I was with my ex, she used to talk to me about absolute rubbish going on at work. None of it was that interesting.... or even that important and a lot of it felt totally unnecessary. However, I listened and took it in, and even gave rational and useful responses..... because I knew that two days down the line when I had a bad day at work, she would be the one that dealt with a grumpy me walking through the door and telling her what a terrible day I had.

Give and take.