Falling out of love with my wife

belfastgirl23

There are some very practical things you aren’t talking about here as per brassic woman’s post above. How is your time divided up vs your wife’s time? In the end the being bought things might simply be about wanting to feel appreciated if she is doing the bulk of the work in the house and with your child.

You are in a really bad groove here I’d say. And it’s up to you what you do about it. It does feel really odd to me that when you talk about being in your relationship or not you don’t seem to even have the start of a thought about your child or your family. And it made me wonder if that’s how life is, you’re going on much as before and your wife is trying to cope with all the changes having a child brings.

I see this with a couple I know quite well. The wife is constantly nagging and putting the husband down. But as far as he can, he’s trying to continue to live his life as if he has no responsibilities. He doesn’t supervise their children, he doesn’t bring snacks or clean up. He just turns up and then leaves as he sees fit. And of course partly he wants to be out of the house because when he’s there she’s nagging. It is not a good situation for either of them. He feels really put upon, but he has the control because he is the one making the active choices and she’s forced to just cope with whatever he throws at her. Her response is to nag. Does any of that sound familiar to you?

It is always easy to see how other people should change but the only person you can change is yourself. I would suggest that you spend a month trying to be kind to your wife. Clean up without being asked. Notice where the dishcloth goes. Listen to her. If she brings up something you have done wrong and it’s something you have actually done, apologise, don’t find ways to blame her. And see whether that changes anything in how she is with you. After all you have a child together, it’s not just as simple as ‘am i happy’. You have a responsibility to try to make this work IMHO, it’s about your child as well as you. If you can’t make it work that’s one thing but giving up without even trying isn’t on.

CityOwl

NeilCr wrote: »

Yes I agree. There certainly is a lot of resentment.

I, also, wasn't sure whether or not CityOwl's question was directed at me or the OP.

My apologies NeilCr, I quoted your post because I thought you were spot on with your analysis. I am quite new to all this, so I don't always get the etiquette right :embarasse

My original post was directed at JackeeBoy - Do you actually like and respect each other as people?

Pollycat

CityOwl wrote: »

My apologies NeilCr, I quoted your post because I thought you were spot on with your analysis. I am quite new to all this, so I don't always get the etiquette right :embarasse

My original post was directed at JackeeBoy - Do you actually like and respect each other as people?

No need to apologise.
I thought your post was very good.

FBaby

I agree with your post Belfastgirl, but also think in such situation, it is quite common to put more the blame on the man, maybe because its more often women expressing their frustration than men.

I really do think that being a man going to work is as hard and stressful than the woman at home with the kids. It's a different type of hardness. For the woman, it's the lack of physical freedom, being constantly bombarded by demands and the needs to constantly plan. For men, it's the weight of responsibilities. They have all the weight of financially supporting the family. They might hate their job, be miserable but know they can't pack it in because the family and everything that holds it together depends on his income.

Both suffer from tiredness, a different type, but one that makes everyday life hard to enjoy a lot of the time. When the woman has had to deal with kids who have had tantrums all day, have coloured the carpet with paint, who have refused to eat what was cook for them, it's hell. The man will however often imagine the day full of fun together, time to have a break when the kids are napping, being able to stay in your pyjamas all day.

When you have to get up early despite no sleep, get stuck in commuting traffic, getting in the office with a boss already asking for a report, colleagues who are off sick so needing to pick up their work, having to make a presentation in a few hours, not having had to prepare, it's hell. The woman will imagine it's a case of getting to the office, having time to chat with colleagues over coffee, having time to enjoy lunch with a bit of shopping or reading the newspaper, and commuting is bliss with being able to listen to music with noone interfering.

That's the problem, it's easy to portray the life of our partners in its best light when it is rarely that. We then compare and assume they ha e it better so expect them to do more to help, and do without being asked to. Both feel misunderstood and put it down to selfishness and therefore for the other to make efforts.

NeilCr

Pollycat wrote: »

No need to apologise.
I thought your post was very good.

+1

No offence taken at all CityOwl. I answered in case your question was directed at me

alwaysskint96

FBaby wrote: »

I agree with your post Belfastgirl, but also think in such situation, it is quite common to put more the blame on the man, maybe because its more often women expressing their frustration than men.

I really do think that being a man going to work is as hard and stressful than the woman at home with the kids. It's a different type of hardness. For the woman, it's the lack of physical freedom, being constantly bombarded by demands and the needs to constantly plan. For men, it's the weight of responsibilities. They have all the weight of financially supporting the family. They might hate their job, be miserable but know they can't pack it in because the family and everything that holds it together depends on his income.

Both suffer from tiredness, a different type, but one that makes everyday life hard to enjoy a lot of the time. When the woman has had to deal with kids who have had tantrums all day, have coloured the carpet with paint, who have refused to eat what was cook for them, it's hell. The man will however often imagine the day full of fun together, time to have a break when the kids are napping, being able to stay in your pyjamas all day.

When you have to get up early despite no sleep, get stuck in commuting traffic, getting in the office with a boss already asking for a report, colleagues who are off sick so needing to pick up their work, having to make a presentation in a few hours, not having had to prepare, it's hell. The woman will imagine it's a case of getting to the office, having time to chat with colleagues over coffee, having time to enjoy lunch with a bit of shopping or reading the newspaper, and commuting is bliss with being able to listen to music with noone interfering.

That's the problem, it's easy to portray the life of our partners in its best light when it is rarely that. We then compare and assume they ha e it better so expect them to do more to help, and do without being asked to. Both feel misunderstood and put it down to selfishness and therefore for the other to make efforts.

Hmm what about when both partners are working full time yet only one shoulders most of responsibilty for kids and house?

Primrose

Perhaps it should be compulsory for all couples to pass a Reality Test before they start a family. Many of them seem to have no idea how it will fundamentally change their lives and some advance coaching on relationship negotiation would really pay dividends.

The ability to understand and see things from your partner's point of view is half the battle and the most successful relationships are those where parties are prepared to go the extra mile, even when they've had a hard day themselves. And above all, remembering to say "thank you" to your partner on a regular basis for all they are doing. Two small words, but they can make a big difference to how people feel and react, especially on a bad day.

Red-Squirrel_2

alwaysskint96 wrote: »

Hmm what about when both partners are working full time yet only one shoulders most of responsibilty for kids and house?

Which is a really really common scenario actually.

FBaby

Hmm what about when both partners are working full time yet only one shoulders most of responsibilty for kids and house?

Do they though? Again, it's easy to focus on what we do and what our partners don't do. A colleague of mine was complaining that her oh did nothing in the house and was growing resentful but when questioning more, it turned out he was the one doing all the gardening, all the DIY, dealing with all the bills and admin, taking the cars to get their mot etc...

However because these responsibilities were less obvious and not as regular, she forgot about them.

If one genuinely does more than the other when both work FT, it is worth considering a gusl hours worked, commuting, work stress etc...

If all definitely equal overall, it brings the question why it happened in the first place?

Red-Squirrel_2

FBaby wrote: »

Do they though? Again, it's easy to focus on what we do and what our partners don't do. A colleague of mine was complaining that her oh did nothing in the house and was growing resentful but when questioning more, it turned out he was the one doing all the gardening, all the DIY, dealing with all the bills and admin, taking the cars to get their mot etc...

However because these responsibilities were less obvious and not as regular, she forgot about them.

Isn't it that the 'not as regular' is actually quite important? Cooking, cleaning, laundry, school run, kids homework etc. take up a lot more time off the person doing them than DIY or taking the car for an MOT does.