Son to visit other parent advice pls
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mutley74
Posts: 4,022 Forumite
Son has live with me for 11 years, he is now aged 15.
His mum lives a far away and does not keep much relationship with him. He has said he wants to see her during school holidays, and she messaged to say she is ready to see him again.
Thing is I was going to send him on the coach or train, but she wont give me any address where he will be staying. As I am PWC (full residency rights) do I have a right to ask for this? I feel if anything goes wrong I have the right to know where he is. (I have an idea of the city but not an address where she lives. Too far for me to drive down). She also wont pay for 1/2 of his travel costs!
Last time he went a few years back, he did not get on with her family, something happened and he was very upset. She did not support him at all then.
Any help appreciated as ex is being un cooperative (as usual) and need to get this sorted out over next few days.
His mum lives a far away and does not keep much relationship with him. He has said he wants to see her during school holidays, and she messaged to say she is ready to see him again.
Thing is I was going to send him on the coach or train, but she wont give me any address where he will be staying. As I am PWC (full residency rights) do I have a right to ask for this? I feel if anything goes wrong I have the right to know where he is. (I have an idea of the city but not an address where she lives. Too far for me to drive down). She also wont pay for 1/2 of his travel costs!
Last time he went a few years back, he did not get on with her family, something happened and he was very upset. She did not support him at all then.
Any help appreciated as ex is being un cooperative (as usual) and need to get this sorted out over next few days.
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Comments
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I don't know the background to your relationship with your son's mother but there may be a reason she doesn't want to give the address.
As your son is 15 years old just make sure that he has a mobile phone so that you can contact him and he can contact you. If things go wrong then he can make arrangements and give you an address if you need to pick him up.
Since it is your son that has made the request to pick him up then your paying for the travel expenses seem the right thing to do.
To be honest, whatever the rights or wrongs of any of this it is your son who wants to meet up with his mum and you must give him the chance to do so. Making things difficult is not a good idea.0 -
pmlindyloo wrote: »I don't know the background to your relationship with your son's mother but there may be a reason she doesn't want to give the address.
As your son is 15 years old just make sure that he has a mobile phone so that you can contact him and he can contact you. If things go wrong then he can make arrangements and give you an address if you need to pick him up.
Since it is your son that has made the request to pick him up then your paying for the travel expenses seem the right thing to do.
To be honest, whatever the rights or wrongs of any of this it is your son who wants to meet up with his mum and you must give him the chance to do so. Making things difficult is not a good idea.
I am trying to facilitate this the best I can. She lives over 250 miles from us (unless she has moved again). Driving down to collect him is not an option for me. Even if I knew her address I would never call up near hour - I have no interest or reason.
No idea why I should pay the full travel expenses, when she should be paying 1/2 (that was terms in past contact orders).0 -
Son has live with me for 11 years, he is now aged 15.
His mum lives a far away and does not keep much relationship with him. He has said he wants to see her during school holidays, and she messaged to say she is ready to see him again.
She also wont pay for 1/2 of his travel costs!
Last time he went a few years back, he did not get on with her family, something happened and he was very upset. She did not support him at all then.
If your son got very upset last time, have you talked through with him what to do if something happens again? He's old enough now to walk away from trouble, get in touch with you and head for home.
Would finding the money for travel be difficult for you or is it a case of it not being fair that you pay all the costs? If it's the fairness, you'll probably have to grit your teeth and accept that you're doing it for your son and he's the important one.
As the distance is so great, what about booking a short break somewhere half way - if she really wants to see him, she will make her way there and they can spend the day together.
If that goes well and your son wants to spend more time with her, you can revisit the problems of him being sent off alone.0 -
I am trying to facilitate this the best I can. She lives over 250 miles from us (unless she has moved again). Driving down to collect him is not an option for me. Even if I knew her address I would never call up near hour - I have no interest or reason.
No idea why I should pay the full travel expenses, when she should be paying 1/2 (that was terms in past contact orders).
I feel that you are struggling with this and wonder if you have fears that your son might want to stay there rather than return to you. Or, you still feel very bitter about your ex not having contact with your son on a regular basis.
It is difficult for you and I do understand but it is your son that wants the contact and you must respect this. The travelling expenses are a bit of a red herring really - your ex has not kept to the contact order (as far as I know) so really that does not apply.
You do seem to be making excuses (forgive me for saying this because I do understand).
I disagree about changing the arrangements - your son is old enough to cope with this. Just do the usual things you would do if he was going to stay with friends a long way off so that emergencies are covered and he knows what to do.
Some parent have a secret code with their offspring - some form of text message which others wouldn't understand and be offended with -so that you would know that he is feeling uncomfortable and needs to leave. Perhaps you could work something out together?
Is mum paying for his food etc? Do make sure that he has an emergency fund of money which he can use if he needs to get home.
Whatever happens on the visit your son will have tried to rekindle his relationship with his mum and you will need to support him afterwards.0 -
pmlindyloo wrote: »I feel that you are struggling with this and wonder if you have fears that your son might want to stay there rather than return to you. Or, you still feel very bitter about your ex not having contact with your son on a regular basis.
It is difficult for you and I do understand but it is your son that wants the contact and you must respect this. The travelling expenses are a bit of a red herring really - your ex has not kept to the contact order (as far as I know) so really that does not apply.
You do seem to be making excuses (forgive me for saying this because I do understand).
I disagree about changing the arrangements - your son is old enough to cope with this. Just do the usual things you would do if he was going to stay with friends a long way off so that emergencies are covered and he knows what to do.
Some parent have a secret code with their offspring - some form of text message which others wouldn't understand and be offended with -so that you would know that he is feeling uncomfortable and needs to leave. Perhaps you could work something out together?
Is mum paying for his food etc? Do make sure that he has an emergency fund of money which he can use if he needs to get home.
Whatever happens on the visit your son will have tried to rekindle his relationship with his mum and you will need to support him afterwards.
I am not struggling with this.
Simple - for years she never wanted to know him, apart from odd text or phone call. She never even bothered with a present on his birthday for a few years.
He is the one who wants to see her, and she has agreed.
She pays no CM and so its only fair she pays 1/2 the travel costs - she has never contributed anything to him for most of his life (she can afford to with her lifestyle too).
Last time he visited, was supposed to stay with her for a week, but within 2 days I got a call to collect him - he said he did not like it there and could not settle. I managed to meet just over 1/2 way for me - but for my own reasons I cannot do this again. he is prepared to use the train if no changes involved.
I just taken some professional advice, and I was advised I am as my rights as the main carer to ask for contact details, especially if there has been no regular contact and due to the distance involved.0 -
The problem I see with her giving you an address now , given that she didn't want to initially, is that it could be any old address - so unless you were prepared to verify it in some way then what would be the point.
So unless you were prepared to do some on the quiet detective work to find out that address then you've got a couple of choices
1. Suck it up & let him go without knowing it
2. Put your foot down & don't let him go - but this could obviously cause problems with your relationship with your son
3. Be uber sneaky, provided your son agrees, and get him to install some sort of app that his location can be shown - I know there's been a lot of uproar recently about snapchat's latest upgrade for example. But as I said this option has to be used only with your son's agreement.
What does he think about going & you not knowing where he is?0 -
My friend was in a similar situation, though without the distance factor. Her father agreed on the condition that I went as well. It won't help on the transport side of things but if the main issue is your son being there alone then it may be worth thinking about if there is a friend who would be willing/allowed to go.
Given the distance I would want an address, if only to know that he has a way back via public transport established (it may mean researching the buses in her area) and can leave with or without his mother taking him to the station if he wants to. Be sure to get an open return in case it doesn't go well and he wants to come back earlier.
On this occasion I would pay the transport costs if at all possible. If he can go while he is still 15 then it should be up to 50% cheaper. If your ex won't cough up to fund a future visit (if all goes well) then the blame can't be all on you as you'll have given him the means the first time around.0 -
Does he have an iPhone? If so you can use the find my iPhone app online to show where he is (at the time you needed to know). Obviously you would need to know his email address & password...Dwy galon, un dyhead,
Dwy dafod ond un iaith,
Dwy raff yn cydio’n ddolen,
Dau enaid ond un taith.0 -
Yes he has a mobile phone, he does not use an tracker app (rebelled with me on this a few times).
I could get an address by other means, but it is lots of hassle. If there was regular contact between them, and distance not a major factor then maybe I would be a bit lenient. But when he went a few years back, he came back in tears (her bf was rude to him, and she did not help son against bf), I had to take legal advice and stop contact. Children's services told me at the time, if anything more serious happened I would be at fault for not having any idea where he was (she supplied her old address then - which I took on trust).
He will have his debit card and some cash for emergency if he does go. But on his last visit she would not let him use mobile phone in the house to keep in touch with me via texts.0 -
Children's services told me at the time, if anything more serious happened I would be at fault for not having any idea where he was (she supplied her old address then - which I took on trust).
Get back to Children's Services and ask for their advice on the new request for a stay with her.
The previous BF problem would worry me - and the fact that his mother wouldn't let him use his phone.0
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