Son to visit other parent advice pls

scd3scd4

Just on a side note............I evaluate a person on all I know about them. So here we go.

She lied about where he was last time.
She does not think she should pay to see her son. Why oh why I dont know.
She pays nothing in maintenance and forgets most xmas/birthdays.
She has had little want to seeing him for years. (I could have this wrong).
She will not let you know where he is and sees no issue with that.

A 15 years old is mature enough to have the whole situation explained to him. Its important to support a child who wants to see their parent. However not at any cost and any conditions. I expect that if she gets away with her demands and the child wants to see her again. You will have the same all again and probably with more to boot.

Of course get expert advise. However ultimately its your child.

scd3scd4

I suspect the mum knows all about apps and FB location. I would assume she will tell the boy not to let the dad know. The boy will then be in a difficult situation.

Robisere

Have not read all of this, but I have gone through two similar situations, with my son's children and my daughter's son. Therefore I know exactly why you are worrying about this. Stating to you that 'your son has a right to see his mum if he wants that' is fine, but the real issue is your obvious concern about your son's welfare. Bearing in mind that you know your ex and her moods, and we don't, it is unfair of anyone here to comment about that. Your son is young enough to have a picture of his mum that does not match the truth, but old enough to feel that he has a maturity that he does not possess yet.

Contact Social Services/Child Services and talk to them. Dig out all the documentation you have: Court Orders, etc, and ask for a meeting to explain your concerns. Your son may be upset if you want to know where he will be, but the fact is that his mother has not bothered to contact him for a long time, so why now? Does she have an ulterior motive? Your son's safety is paramount here and I suspect that is the root of your concerns.

SunnyCyprus

Personally, if I could, I would travel with my son and stay with him for 3 days at a b&b near the other parents home. In those 3 days he could meet the mother in a neutral place, local town to walk a round, have lunch etc. Then on 2nd night if the son is happy to, stay with the mother. If all goes well, I would then return home leaving my son with an open return train ticket to come home when he's ready.
Forget trying to get the mum to pay half the travel, she's obviously reluctant to do it, and if she's anything like my ex then there will be the excuse of "you made me pay half the travel, I can't afford to take the kids out now"

Compromise, ok, she might not give you her address so in that case travel with him to her home town. If she's not happy with that, then the trip doesn't go ahead.

Savvy_Sue

How can you even start to plan the travel if you don't know where she is?

[Deleted User]

I haven't read the whole thread, so if I have missed something I apologise.

I have a now 21 year old son who has ASD, so he is a bit vulnerable. He has a father who has been very angry for years because we split up and sometimes took this anger out on him unfortunately (verbally but was very hurtful at times). But however I felt about the man, he was our son's father and of course, he would be hurt and upset but also want to maintain contact after he'd adjusted once again (required a lot of support as you can imagine).

Now, his father has a brain tumour, its terminal, and his character/mood is very changeable. But I still do my best to facilitate what contact my son wishes to have. It often causes upsets, and my heart bleeds for him but I do my best to pick him up (metaphorically speaking) and facilitate what he wants and feels he can cope with. I spend a lot of time explaining his father's behaviour so he doesn't blame himself. At times I want to spit, but lol, that wouldn't do my son any good. So i have to stay calm and rational and do my best to prevent my son getting hurt (emotionally). What I feel about it is kept very very private. My son doesn't need to be screwed up by my feelings as well as his own.

He did visit very occasionally when younger but I made sure I stayed in a hotel in the same city (and I also didn't have an exact address). My son was able to phone and know I'd meet him anywhere at any time if he needed this. This meant I had to drag my other son up there with me.., but I had to make sure my older son had a way out if he needed it. I still do it now, make sure he's got money and a way back.

When my son was 15, he wasn't an adult, so I felt it was my role to facilitate what he wanted but make sure he was safe. If that meant I spent money on the cheapest hotel I could find, and had to entertain my younger son for three days, that's just the way it was. I didn't get much in the way of support, tickets were never paid for, but i didn't let that get in the way of making sure my son was safe.

Detroit

I think the first question to be asking yourself is, do I trust these people with the care of my son?

Objectively, why was the previous visit not a success? what are your concerns?

What does the partner not 'being nice' really mean? Telling your son off for putting his feet on the sofa? Insulting or abusing him?

'Not nice' is very broad, and depending on specifics may or may not mean it is suitable for your son to be in his company.

Can his mother be trusted to meet his basic needs and keep him safe? Will she be kind to him? Does her lifestyle raise any serious flags in terms of your son's welfare, such as neglect, substance abuse, unsuitable company?

If you have any doubts on this, you should not permit the visit. If this makes your son annoyed with you, then so be it. That's part of the job.

If on the other hand you're confident he will be safe, and the worst that can happen is he may not enjoy it, let him go on condition he texts you every morning and evening to check in.
I also think an address is essential.

If these basics can't be accommodated, then again, there should be no visit.

If you can afford to, pay for the trip, as you would if your son was making any other visit.

Yes, it's unfair as she's his mother, and should take responsibility. However, given the history, her status in his life seems more akin to that of a distinct acquaintance. I would therefore treat the visit as such and act accordingly both in terms of financing it, and the due diligence you apply.

seven-day-weekend

AylesburyDuck wrote: »

I'm afraid if he were my son he wouldnt be going,as it stands, i'd be staying completely honest with him about the why's and wherefores, however unless "proof" of an address was forthcoming, then it's basically a safety issue and the buck stops with you.
It's a tricky age, but transparency is key here, if the woman is an utter nightmare like she sounds then if he see's all the facts of her attitude it may well change his mind.But he needs the facts, just the facts minus the emotion, or any influence on your part. Kids arnt stupid.
Good luck, stick to your guns though, safety first.

I was just thinking the same myself, no way would he go without me knowing where he was going, it would be irresponsible in the extreme.

I would however, explain all this to him, he is plenty old enough to understand that as you are his primary carer (and his dad, who loves him), then you would not be doing your job properly if you let him go under such circumstances.

I agree with what another poster has suggested, let them meet on neutral territory, in a hotel for example, that you know where it is and can collect your son if needs be.

Hope it all works out for both of you.

BrassicWoman

this is the xbox addicted son?

has he discussed gaming availability with mum?

may be a non issue, he won't go if there's no tech.... although I'd send him in a grass is greener way...