Son to visit other parent advice pls

elsien

I do think you need to sort out the issues which are relevant now, and those that are less so.
So, for example, needing to know where he is and the set up is one thing, but the mobile phone issue isn't relevant. I've yet to see anyone manage to stop a teenager sending texts. He just does it where she can't see him.

takman

If he really wants to see her then the best way would be to book a hotel for a couple of night nearby and drive him down there.

He can then see her while you are there and you will be nearby in case there are any problems.

Considering she won't give her address and that previous visits hadn't gone smoothly then simply sending him down by himself doesn't sound like a good idea.

250 miles may take a good 5 hours each way but it's worth it to guarantee your sons safety while still allowing him to see his mother.

Rosemary7391

If it helps, my mother still asks for the address where I'm staying if I go on holiday, especially outside the UK - and I'm 26! You definitely need it for a 15 year old so far from home - and it sounds like he isn't entirely comfortable with public transport yet (not wanting train changes?) so I wouldn't want him potentially having to figure out the route on the fly if he needs to. If she gives a false address though, surely son would notice as soon as he arrived - maybe give him instructions to turn round and come straight home if that's the case ? Or minimum to contact you with the correct address, although the previous refusal to allow him to contact home is concerning.

Cheeseface

Did you sort out a holiday with your son? Could this be the opportunity you need to get him away from games console?

Use the time you were going to take for a holiday and spend the time in a hotel/apartment near his mother. He can spend a few hours, building up to days and nights with her, knowing you are there close by.

FBaby

The issue is what are you going to do now? She's refused, so are you going to turn around and say to your son that even though she has now agreed to see him, you are not going to let him?

How will he take it? Will it be just a case of 'yeah, never mind, I'm not too bothered' going back to his normal life, or is he going to be angry with you, then move on, or is he likely to hold it against you, and maybe even worse, go anyway?

What happens if he tells her that you are preventing him and she send him the money to go?

I think you need to thread carefully as you could become the baddy very quickly. Personally, as long as I knew DS had a phone and trusted him to use it, I would let him go. If you suddenly can't get in touch with him, there will be ways to find the address quickly anyway.

swingaloo

There is no logic to her withholding the address. Your son is 15 and the minute he arrives at her house the address is no longer a secret.

balletshoes

mutley74 wrote: »

Son has live with me for 11 years, he is now aged 15.


His mum lives a far away and does not keep much relationship with him. He has said he wants to see her during school holidays, and she messaged to say she is ready to see him again.


Thing is I was going to send him on the coach or train, but she wont give me any address where he will be staying. As I am PWC (full residency rights) do I have a right to ask for this? I feel if anything goes wrong I have the right to know where he is. (I have an idea of the city but not an address where she lives. Too far for me to drive down). She also wont pay for 1/2 of his travel costs!

Last time he went a few years back, he did not get on with her family, something happened and he was very upset. She did not support him at all then.

Any help appreciated as ex is being un cooperative (as usual) and need to get this sorted out over next few days.

I haven't read any other replies in this thread yet OP, so here are my initial thoughts -

he's 15, he's your son, you are unsure about this whole idea, so you find out exactly where your son will be during the visit, and you take him there (or to a mutually agreed location, agreed between you and his mum). If his mum can't agree to these terms, he doesn't go (its a safety issue more than anything else). As your son wants this visit to happen, if you can afford the travel costs, pay for them, and don't expect/insist on his mum paying half or contributing - you're doing this for your son, not for her.

balletshoes

FBaby wrote: »

The issue is what are you going to do now? She's refused, so are you going to turn around and say to your son that even though she has now agreed to see him, you are not going to let him?

How will he take it? Will it be just a case of 'yeah, never mind, I'm not too bothered' going back to his normal life, or is he going to be angry with you, then move on, or is he likely to hold it against you, and maybe even worse, go anyway?

What happens if he tells her that you are preventing him and she send him the money to go?

I think you need to thread carefully as you could become the baddy very quickly. Personally, as long as I knew DS had a phone and trusted him to use it, I would let him go.
If you suddenly can't get in touch with him, there will be ways to find the address quickly anyway.

how? and how quickly is quickly?

cte1111

I've been in a similar situation - my daughter is a teenager and hasn't seen her father for a couple of years. She does visit her Grandma (Dad's Mum) fairly regularly, which isn't always an easy negotiation but I do try my best to persevere, as my daughter loves seeing her Granny and I know the feeling is mutual.

When my daughter is going to see them, I expect to know where she is staying and with whom. When her Granny met a new partner, we were told all about him and if there had been any issues with him, e.g. my daughter felt he wasn't nice to her, then I would have wanted assurances before my daughter went there again. (BTW He's a lovely man and they have now been happily married for quite a few years, so she's gained an extra person that loves her, which is nice.)

My ex-partner's Mum has sometimes been unhelpful but I try to work with her - we used to sometimes meet them halfway, as they live some distance away. My daughter has recently started getting the train part of the way, it is a direct train so I take her to the station and they pick her up at the other end. This is easier for everyone but only works if you know 100% that the other person will be there to collect them.

I do pay for my daughter's train fare, partly because it is relatively cheap but when they came to pick her up in the past, they paid for their petrol costs. If you can afford the fare, then try to grit your teeth and do so on this occasion. I know how hard it is, when the other partner has made no effort to keep in contact, but it is in your son's best interest to have some contact with them. Given that he has asked to see his Mum (who clearly does not deserve such a forgiving son) then I would try to make sure he can.

I would not let my daughter go if I did not know where she was going to be, and could not contact her though. If her Granny plans to take her anywhere (they are going to the seaside in a couple of weeks time), she asks me first if this is OK and I always have a couple of contact numbers. It's good that that is the advice you have been given from Children's Services too, as this will help you explain the situation to your son. He will then hopefully understand that you are not being unreasonable, just looking out for him.

bagpussbear

In your shoes OP, I would try and get her address via something like 192.com.

You have an awful dilemma, you will be seen the bad guy if you say no, but equally you have to do what you feel is right for your son. I have a feeling that you know this is going to end in tears again.