Son to visit other parent advice pls

*Robin*

If I were in OP's position, I'd tell the mother she must show willing to start up a good relationship with her son - the social workers insist on that.
Therefore because of her reluctance to disclose her address, she can travel to Dad and Son's town. If Dad's finances permit, once Mum's arrival date is known Dad will book her a room at the closest suitable hotel and undertake to deliver and collect Son from that location so they can spend time together.

See what her reaction is - don't keep any of it secret from the boy.

Spendless

Isn't it pretty pointless not letting a 15yo know the address of where they'll be. On the first day won't they wander out of the door, down the street and see a road sign/house number and be able to tell?

FBaby

If you suddenly can't get in touch with him, there will be ways to find the address quickly anyway.

It's amazing how quickly the police can find an address if there is concern about a child missing!

OP, you do realise that if you push her, she could give you any address and you won't be any wiser? You'll let your son go with a false sense of security, but your son won't be any safer.

Contact with your son at all time is your security. Let him go after stating rules about him answering his phone/contacting you regularly.

chesky

OP are you deep-down worried that your son might want to stay with your ex and you'll have problems getting him back?

Spendless

FBaby wrote: »

It's amazing how quickly the police can find an address if there is concern about a child missing!

OP, you do realise that if you push her, she could give you any address and you won't be any wiser? You'll let your son go with a false sense of security, but your son won't be any safer.

Contact with your son at all time is your security. Let him go after stating rules about him answering his phone/contacting you regularly.

I was thinking that, if she tells you she lives at 17 cherry tree Lane or 10 Rillington Place, how are you actually going to know if this is correct when your child is travellng there by public transport? A teen with an electronic gadget/phone is going to discover where they are pretty quickly even if they haven't spotted any clues outside.

DigForVictory

Thinking about the son, he's got a reasonable head on his shoulders - we're out of exam time, got space & time & heart to try mum again. I don't think he gets that the Social Services will give dad a very hard time if anything happens.

I understand not really wanting to change trains but my experience of platform staff is that they usually are kindness & patience itself with the mildly bewildered. If there a strong dose of stress/anxiety/just want to get Home, I'd hope they'd see him sat in a waiting area & check he's on the right platform at the right time.

The social services appear to have been very clear they do not consider him an autonomous agent (which will definitely bruise the young male ego) but give dad grounds to ask for regular texts. If mum is not OK with this, that says rather too much about mum - has he stayed over with schoolfriends? Do they allow reasonable mobile usage? If other lads mums are OK with it, then maybe his mum lacks practice with "young folk these days".

We do not want to trip the missing child alert - it's very heavy on manpower, gruesome on the adrenaline and rarely ends up just back where we stared but with a whole book of further restrictions & limitations. If you can coax the Social into revealing that, lad may be more willing to settle for a shorter visit to maintain such freedoms as he currently enjoys.

It's tough, no messing. Wishing you & he best of luck!

Voyager2002

My suggestion is that you use Social Services to the max... In particular, while the mother may feel that she has a valid reason not to let you know her address, she could not even imagine any reason to keep it from Social Services. So make sure that they know where she is...

silvercar

Son needs to understand that you need to know where he is.

He can easily send a one-off location PIN from WhatsApp or FaceBook with out switching on any tracking app.

TBagpuss

It it completely reasonable for you to know the address he will be staying at.

One option would be to talk to him about this and arrange for him to text the address to you once he arrives. It would be entirely up to him whether he tells him mum he is doing that or not.

It would also be reasonable to split the travel costs, but very difficult to enforce - if she won't, would it be possible for him to use mega bus or national express as these may be cheaper than using the train?

I think a lot of it is down to your relationship with him. If you tell him you are not able to cover all the travel expenses, is he going to see that as you stopping him seeing his mum, or as her refusing to make any effort to see him? I think how you deal with it depends on that.

Given the previous history I would make sure that he has a flexible ticket so he can come home early if he wants.

It would also be totally reasonable, if she has not seen him recently, to suggest contact nearer home to start with. That could be her coming and staying in a B&B / travelodge near you or, possibly, offering to pay for his train ticket to meet her for a day out somewhere mid-point.

However, i think the key is to talk to him about what he wants and bout some of financial and other arrangements that need to be made, so he feels he is being heard.

For the record, I think the advice that you were given by social services last time was wrong - unless there is a Care or Supervision order in place, or specific orders requiring you to monitor addresses, which would be unusual.

supermezzo

Did you research the trains and if he will need to change? I just wonder if his reluctance to change is his way of trying to back out of the arrangement without upsetting anyone/saving face?

Why not make a travel plan with him and gauge his reaction to it? He may change his mind and then the issue is solved for now.