Made A Terrible Mistake
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I don't think the comments are so accusatory or 'blameful'.I feel for you, some of the comments on here are so accusatory and blameful. He is the one that had the affair, not her. She hasn't broken marriage vows, he has. I think the OW gets it hard when I think the husband is the one mostly at fault. Women that engage with married men or stay with them like I did, generally has incredibly low opinions of themselves and low self esteem. Those blaming the girl, can you imagine disliking yourself so much that you feel the best you deserve is to be someones side chick?
This reply is longer than intended. I just wish you the best OP.
The OP did go into an affair with this man in full knowledge that he was married.
Lots of people have said that he - not the OP - bears the most blame - me included.
Your situation was clearly different as you didn't know he was married.
Of course it takes two to tango but:Sorry but I am one who firmly believes that it takes two to tango so to speak & I can say this after being the bloke who got with a married woman many years ago.I always think the married person bears the most blame but neither party comes out smelling of roses
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chelseablue wrote: »From experience the child needs to know who their father is.
I didn't find out who my real Dad was until I was 34, by which time he was dead so I will never get the chance to meet him
Totally agree with this, when aunt got pregnant she kept saying just some one unknown down the pub, got her preggers, for a good 16 years the lie was kept up. But the man she slept with was way older which came with it’s own complications... (a worry I have for this op that no one seems to have mentioned I do not think)
Can you imagine when we all attended the funeral of this guy, the victor (sorry bet I have spelt this wrong!) then gets up and in front of everyone announced dead gent as my cousins father. There and then. My cousin was distraught. They thought they hid the secret so well.0 -
Sorry but I am one who firmly believes that it takes two to tango so to speak & I can say this after being the bloke who got with a married woman many years ago.
Absolutely, but only 50% were in a relationship at the time the child was conceived. Mylife has been very brave in my opinion. I suspect from a moral perspective she knows she has made a mistake, but technically speaking, the responsibility is almost 100% on him.
This isn't me trying to be a feminist or anything like that. I'm not absolving anyone from blame and this isn't a gendered issue. Like, I'm not trying to let the OP off because she's a woman. If the roles were reversed I would say exactly the same. He is the one in the relationship. He is the one with a wife and kids and a married life to lose. He put his wife and kids at risk, out of pure selfishness. I have several close friends who grew up without their dads and it quite evidently bothers them, even now. Mylife made a mistake in sleeping with a married man, but she was not unfaithful.
@Mylife, you obviously need to weigh up pros and cons. If he can be a good dad and the situation can be handled in a positive way, then I think you should give him a chance to see his kids. Refer to what I said above about my friends growing up without a dad.0 -
^^^this ^^^Absolutely, but only 50% were in a relationship at the time the child was conceived. He is the one in the relationship. He is the one with a wife and kids and a married life to lose. He put his wife and kids at risk, out of pure selfishness. I have several close friends who grew up without their dads and it quite evidently bothers them, even now. Mylife made a mistake in sleeping with a married man, but she was not unfaithful.Saving for a house in 2025 LISA £7726/£15000 Emergency Fund £1000/£6000 No spend Year 20230 -
stoke, I accept that I will have to involve him, the good people on the forum have said a lot of sense and generally agree that a baby needs both parents. I hope we manage to come to an agreement. My initial worry was I did not want to cause anymore damage to his family.
kimplus I see where you are coming from, I hope both of us will behave maturely. I'm sure given the chance he will treat me well in terms of support , what may be a problem would be
his time.
keepcalm, yes every child where possible should know its parents, the truth will always come out hopefully not in such a dramatic way as you describe.
ajak81: I agree with you the replies have been much kinder than I expected, everyone has put their point nicely. I know i made a mistake but no use in crying over spilt milk but to look for a way forward.
gettingthere at no point do I claim the moral ground, if you read my posts you will see I have acknowledged that I did wrong. Unfortunately for some of us by the time we realise we have made a mistake its too late. I will have to live with this for the rest of my life.0 -
Deleted%20User wrote: »Totally agree with this, when aunt got pregnant she kept saying just some one unknown down the pub, got her preggers, for a good 16 years the lie was kept up. But the man she slept with was way older which came with it‚Äôs own complications... (a worry I have for this op that no one seems to have mentioned I do not think)
Can you imagine when we all attended the funeral of this guy, the victor (sorry bet I have spelt this wrong!) then gets up and in front of everyone announced dead gent as my cousins father. There and then. My cousin was distraught. They thought they hid the secret so well.
Wow my situation is very similar.
My Mum always told me my father was just a bloke she met on a night out.
Turns out he was a friend of my Mum's brother in law.
My father was also older then my Mum (she was 25 when she had me, my father was 45)0 -
OP do not refuse offers of help from the father of your baby - yes you might not like him, you might not want to be in a relationship with it and you might think he's needy by phoning and ask how you are BUT you have to remember he is the father and is obv doing what he thinks is best (shame he couldn't have had a bolt of conscience before this but oh well) You dont want to cause more damage to his family which is understandable however the damage has been done.
As for his wife, I can see why you dont want to tell her and he obviously wont BUT I think she deserves to know the truth. Do you live in the same area? What happens if she comes across you and your child one day and she doesn't know her husband is the Dad? Thats an awfully large betrayal for her husband to carry round and be saddled with. Does he think he's going to keep living 2 lives? One with his family and then one on the side, visiting you and the child? Cant see how that will work for 18+ years.0 -
I think she deserves to know the truth too.OP do not refuse offers of help from the father of your baby - yes you might not like him, you might not want to be in a relationship with it and you might think he's needy by phoning and ask how you are BUT you have to remember he is the father and is obv doing what he thinks is best (shame he couldn't have had a bolt of conscience before this but oh well) You dont want to cause more damage to his family which is understandable however the damage has been done.
As for his wife, I can see why you dont want to tell her and he obviously wont BUT I think she deserves to know the truth. Do you live in the same area? What happens if she comes across you and your child one day and she doesn't know her husband is the Dad? Thats an awfully large betrayal for her husband to carry round and be saddled with. Does he think he's going to keep living 2 lives? One with his family and then one on the side, visiting you and the child? Cant see how that will work for 18+ years.
But it's her husband's responsibility to drop that bombshell, not the OP's.0 -
Of course it's possible that the wife knows all about this affair but is sticking her head in the sand for some reason that works for her - maybe she doesn't want what is probably a pretty comfortable lifestyle to end.Yes I agree it's very difficult. What would you do if you were the OP and a year or more had gone past and he'd not told the wife? If I were the OP I would suggest she have all the financial arrangments agreed from a legal point of view after the babys born that way it's on the father if wants to tell his wife. As some have suggested the wife may throw out the husband regardless but sooner or later the truth is bound to come out
Or maybe she is off having her own fun with a work colleague.
Maybe they have an open marriage.0 -
As for his wife, I can see why you dont want to tell her and he obviously wont BUT I think she deserves to know the truth. Do you live in the same area? What happens if she comes across you and your child one day and she doesn't know her husband is the Dad? Thats an awfully large betrayal for her husband to carry round and be saddled with. Does he think he's going to keep living 2 lives? One with his family and then one on the side, visiting you and the child? Cant see how that will work for 18+ years.
Stranger things have happened.. :cool:Signature Removed by Forum Team ..thanks to somebody reporting a witty and decades-old Kenny Everett quote as 'offensive'!!0
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