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Made A Terrible Mistake

edited 30 November -1 at 1:00AM in Marriage, Relationships & Families
384 replies 83K views
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Replies

  • jjj1980jjj1980 Forumite
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    I can’t seem to quote using my phone but in answer to Judi - No, it’s not my place to decide whether my Mum forgives him but it is my place to decide whether I forgive him. In my opinion, he cheated on our “family” unit, which included both my Mum and me.
  • FBabyFBaby Forumite
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    Just to make it clear MyLife, I have never suggested that you should have had an abortion, I too am totally pro choice. The reason why I brought it up is only because it is another decision you've made -not to have one- that in my opinion shows that you always wanted a baby and that it was no accident you became pregnant.

    You say it yourself, you wish you had 'chosen' a single man.
  • PollycatPollycat Forumite
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    FBaby wrote: »
    Just to make it clear MyLife, I have never suggested that you should have had an abortion, I too am totally pro choice. The reason why I brought it up is only because it is another decision you've made -not to have one- that in my opinion shows that you always wanted a baby and that it was no accident you became pregnant.

    You say it yourself, you wish you had 'chosen' a single man.
    That's your opinion but one that I very much disagree with.

    I'm sure there are thousands of women who got pregnant by mistake and subsequently decided to keep their baby - just as the OP has.
    You seem to be saying that anyone who gets pregnant by mistake must have had some subconscious (or even conscious) plan to have a baby.
  • MylifeMylife Forumite
    60 posts
    F baby I get your point, it very valid, as much as it looks like I wanted a baby once i discovered I was pregnant abortion never entered my mind. I just thought I made my mess and have to deal with it.

    jjj unfortunately things happen and families come in all shapes and sizes, I have a step brother who I love to bits and is considered as part of the family. My father was alcoholic (mean) and as a child I found that difficult to deal with, for me I could deal with him fathering another child (brother) than the mean alcoholic person. He is deceased now so I had to let it go. Im not excusing anything but we all deal with situations differently. I do not want this man to lose his children hence my stance in saying I will not tell the wife.
  • gettingtheresometimegettingtheresometime Forumite
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    Mylife wrote: »
    I do not want this man to lose his children hence my stance in saying I will not tell the wife.



    This is the bit I really don't get (and I'm not blaming you more than him btw).


    Let's take the pregnancy out of the equation for a moment but unless his wife knows what he's like &/or willing to sacrifice her self respect for her lifestyle then I would imagine that divorce would be pretty high up on the agenda if she found out about your 'relationship'.


    I would imagine divorce will be extremely likely WHEN she finds out about the baby.


    So the only way you could have guaranteed that he wouldn't lose his children because of you was not to have slept with him in the first place.


    You'll never be able to claim the moral high ground now.
    Lloyds OD / Natwest OD / PO CC / Wescott / Argos Card / JD Williams cleared :) thanks to the 1 debt v 100 day challenge
  • kimplus8kimplus8 Forumite
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    FWIW I became pregnant by a married man and I can honestly say it has been the hardest 2 years of my life.
    I had a coil fitted and was unaware at the beginning of his wife and kids. I ended the relationship once I found out but ended up back with him once I found out that I was pregnant. He took me on a huge rollercoaster of one min promising me a future together and the next min threatening me that he would kill himself if I kept the baby.
    Eventually my son was born I have had to go through the dreaded CMS battle, been to appeals court and now finally I am getting the correct maintenance while he remains with his wife. She is aware of my sons existence and was helping him to lie to the CMS to reduce my sons maintenance.
    I have moved 500 miles away from my hometown as he was making my life miserable where I previously lived. He would see me out and about with my children and then call the police and say I was following him, He reported me for harassment several times, as did she. Thankful I mostly was at work or present elsewhere so could defer their accusations.
    It has been horrible for me and my children.
    I was incredibly stupid and naieve (sp?) to believe him at all once I found out about his wife.

    Of course my case is different to yours but you need to forget the circumstances in which your baby was conceived and focus on having a healthy pregnancy.
    It is your body and until the baby is born there is no point in getting worked up about contact/Maintenance etc as nothing can be done about these things until baby is born.

    I feel for you, some of the comments on here are so accusatory and blameful. He is the one that had the affair, not her. She hasn't broken marriage vows, he has. I think the OW gets it hard when I think the husband is the one mostly at fault. Women that engage with married men or stay with them like I did, generally has incredibly low opinions of themselves and low self esteem. Those blaming the girl, can you imagine disliking yourself so much that you feel the best you deserve is to be someones side chick?

    This reply is longer than intended. I just wish you the best OP.
    Mum to 9 Amazing Kids :eek: Dave Ramsey and Martin Lewis are my Money Saving Heros.:money:
  • OakdeneOakdene Forumite
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    kimplus8 wrote: »
    FWIW I became pregnant by a married man and I can honestly say it has been the hardest 2 years of my life.
    I had a coil fitted and was unaware at the beginning of his wife and kids. I ended the relationship once I found out but ended up back with him once I found out that I was pregnant. He took me on a huge rollercoaster of one min promising me a future together and the next min threatening me that he would kill himself if I kept the baby.
    Eventually my son was born I have had to go through the dreaded CMS battle, been to appeals court and now finally I am getting the correct maintenance while he remains with his wife. She is aware of my sons existence and was helping him to lie to the CMS to reduce my sons maintenance.
    I have moved 500 miles away from my hometown as he was making my life miserable where I previously lived. He would see me out and about with my children and then call the police and say I was following him, He reported me for harassment several times, as did she. Thankful I mostly was at work or present elsewhere so could defer their accusations.
    It has been horrible for me and my children.
    I was incredibly stupid and naieve (sp?) to believe him at all once I found out about his wife.

    Of course my case is different to yours but you need to forget the circumstances in which your baby was conceived and focus on having a healthy pregnancy.
    It is your body and until the baby is born there is no point in getting worked up about contact/Maintenance etc as nothing can be done about these things until baby is born.

    I feel for you, some of the comments on here are so accusatory and blameful. He is the one that had the affair, not her. She hasn't broken marriage vows, he has. I think the OW gets it hard when I think the husband is the one mostly at fault. Women that engage with married men or stay with them like I did, generally has incredibly low opinions of themselves and low self esteem. Those blaming the girl, can you imagine disliking yourself so much that you feel the best you deserve is to be someones side chick?

    This reply is longer than intended. I just wish you the best OP.


    Sorry but I am one who firmly believes that it takes two to tango so to speak & I can say this after being the bloke who got with a married woman many years ago.
    Dwy galon, un dyhead,
    Dwy dafod ond un iaith,
    Dwy raff yn cydio’n ddolen,
    Dau enaid ond un taith.
  • chelseabluechelseablue Forumite
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    From experience the child needs to know who their father is.

    I didn't find out who my real Dad was until I was 34, by which time he was dead so I will never get the chance to meet him
  • kimplus8kimplus8 Forumite
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    Oakdene wrote: »
    Sorry but I am one who firmly believes that it takes two to tango so to speak & I can say this after being the bloke who got with a married woman many years ago.
    We shall have to agree to disagree. :)
    I can only comment from my experience and you from yours. x
    Mum to 9 Amazing Kids :eek: Dave Ramsey and Martin Lewis are my Money Saving Heros.:money:
  • gettingtheresometimegettingtheresometime Forumite
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    ajak81 wrote: »
    So do you think that in most instances of this type the wife in similar circumstances would in fact kick the husband out of the family home thus destroying the family unit?

    I'd be interested to hear what other peoples experiences and opinions are of this. I've known plenty of wives/partners who've forgiven their men who have strayed. I have to say I'm talking about a one off situation or one off love interest/affair I'm not talking about serial adulterers

    I'm just wondering if perhaps it's not an automatic foregone conclusion that the wife would boot old the old hubby for being grubby


    Well I can only speak for myself but if my hubby had an affair I may be able to stay with him. However if there was a child born as a result of the affair then I'm sorry but that would be it as far as the marriage was concerned.
    kimplus8 wrote: »
    I had a coil fitted and was unaware at the beginning of his wife and kids. I ended the relationship once I found out but ended up back with him once I found out that I was pregnant. .
    I think the big difference her is that, initially, you were unaware he was married.
    Lloyds OD / Natwest OD / PO CC / Wescott / Argos Card / JD Williams cleared :) thanks to the 1 debt v 100 day challenge
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