Made A Terrible Mistake

Pollycat

Mylife wrote: »

Polly I have so far told 3 family members,sworn to secrecy obviously. As much as I wanted to keep quiet, unfortunately I couldn't contain it. These are people I trust will not say anything until I'm ready. I will have to tell family soon, as I won't be able to hide it much longer. Mum will be disappointed as she brought up me well, but as an adult we all have free will. My 75yr old aunt always asks me if I have found a husband lol I can imagine when I say to her no husband but a baby, she is old fashioned I'm sure this will distress her. My married siblings will be the hardest to tell for obvious reasons. I'm not sure if I should plan a family get together and announce it, deal with all the questions there and then or a family group whattsup. Problem with my family if I announced to different people at different times then the gossip and assumptions will start. I probably will have to tell mum first.

Prepare for your Mother to find out she wasn't the first to be told.

A secret is only a secret if only one person knows - regardless of how much you trust someone.
Once the news is out, people will be less careful about what they say.

You really do seem to have made a God-awful mess of everything.

fibonarchie

Who knows, perhaps the guy wanted another child but his wife didn't..

System

ajak81 wrote: »

I can see some positives though.

I'd say she's handling it quite well to be fair wouldn't you agree?

The fact she's asking for advice and not disappeared when some of the comments haven't been kind speaks volumes to me.

The fact she would rather go it alone than ruin his marriage counts for something too.

We all make mistakes, do things we regret. It just happens that this mistake has such serious consequences.

Pollycat

ajak81 wrote: »

I can see some positives though

1. She chose a guy who is obviously a good father despite short comings of a husband
2. She's clear in her head she wants to keep the child so no issues or trauamtic decision making processes
3. She's clear in her mind that she doesn't want a romantic involvement with the man which sets clear boundaries
4. She's clearly been thinking about the financial side so she's got a business plan put together or a financial support plan shall we say
5. She's now obviously working out how to tell her mum but obviously thinking out loud here on the forum on how to do that
6. Even takes ownership of her part in the deception of the wronged married woman, so she's not saying she's got no responsibility when I know that some will say she's not in the wrong at all so I think that put's her in a good spot "emotionally"

I'd say she's handling it quite well to be fair wouldn't you agree?

I was talking the decisions she made before posting on here.

Pollycat

Judi wrote: »

The fact she's asking for advice and not disappeared when some of the comments haven't been kind speaks volumes to me.

The fact she would rather go it alone than ruin his marriage counts for something too.

We all make mistakes, do things we regret. It just happens that this mistake has such serious consequences.

The impression I get is that it's more that she doesn't (and probably never did) want a relationship with him rather than being considerate about the impact on his marriage.
The time to consider that was before she had sex with him.
Let's not attribute altruistic motives where none exist.

Mylife

Fbaby I respect the right for every woman to have a choice, I'm not sure why you keep mentioning abortion. If I had decided on it I would not be here asking for advice. Thank God we live in a country that a woman can choose to have her baby regardless of the circumstances of conception. I choose to have the baby. Also remember whilst what I did is morally wrong I have not however committed a crime. I respect your views but can we leave abortion out.

ajak81 I should be thankful he is at least stepping up to the plate. I just wish I had chosen a single man:!!!129300;.

Polly I agree I need to tell mum and family soon. I just need to decide what I'm going to say especially to all the morally superior people in my family. (Not mocking them but respect that they make better choices). My aunt bless her she will initially be in shock but will probably come round and make a fuss, ask if I'm eating okay, need money etc. I imagine one of my uncle's saying "you were duped"!!!128580;!!!128580; and who is this despicable man??!!!129315;!!!129315; yes that my family.

Judi I really have made a mess but can only hope that in a few months time things will be more clear in terms of way forward.

fibonarchie I have no idea if he wanted another child, I just think here is a man who unfortunately has been caught in this predicament and he is trying to deal with it.

Thanks everyone.

jjj1980

I!!!8217;m going to come at this from a further different angle to the other posters so far.

My father started cheating on my Mum, they were married, when I was 4/5. Had a baby with the other woman when I was 6 and my Mum found out when I was 7.5 and kicked him out. Whilst I agree she was right to boot him out, I wish I had never found out about the other woman and child. I was expected, by my father, to meet them and he believed I should have a sibling-style relationship with his child. I wanted nothing of the sort. As soon as I found out he had cheated on my Mum, even though I was still quite young, I understood how serious a betrayal his behaviour was and honestly felt completely disgusted with him. I was more upset at being expected by both my Mum and him to see him/speak to him. I felt that by acting the way he had, he had thrown out whole family situation away. Not just his marriage to my Mum.

It!!!8217;s been just over 30 years since and I have never forgiven him. Despite my Mum having taken him back in 2004, I have almost nothing to do with him.

Yes, I think the other woman (silly tart does fit for this one) was to blame as well as she definitely knew he was married but he was the one who took the vows so holds 90% of the responsibility. Contraception can fail - I know as I became pregnant with my daughter whilst on the pill, taking it exactly to the instructions and also having taken the morning after pill due to a bout of sickness. I was engaged to be married at the time so it!!!8217;s wasn!!!8217;t the end of the world and after the shock wore off, I was delighted. The only way to guarantee no pregnancy is abstinence. The married person has to take full responsibility at that point as the only person they should be doing anything with is the one they are married to.

In the OP!!!8217;s situation, I hope the wife does find out, kicks him out on his arsenal and their shared children want nothing more to do with the cheating loser. Then for him to find out that he can!!!8217;t even go running back to the OP would be the icing on the cake.

I have absolutely no time or patience for cheaters.

System

jjj1980 wrote: »

It!!!8217;s been just over 30 years since and I have never forgiven him. Despite my Mum having taken him back in 2004, I have almost nothing to do with him.

But is it your place to forgive him? Did he ever cheat on you as a Father?

harrys_nan

Judi wrote: »

But is it your place to forgive him? Did he ever cheat on you as a Father?

I have to put another angle on this. I chucked my husband out after he had been having an affair, he went to live with a woman that had 2 kids, 1 boy, 1 girl the same as me. He lived and played happy families with them while I had to work to keep a roof over my kids heads, (always had worked but now down to one wage). When I tried to keep my kids having contact with their dad my daughter said, he may have split from you (me) but he also left her and her brother, That hurt them as much as it hurt me. They still don't have anything to do with their dad, but thats down to his partner and another story'

System

Yeah... was just throwing the question out. My eldest kids never wanted anything to do with their biological 'dad'. Well they met him once but it wasn't the reunion their 'bio' was hoping for.