Is this financial abuse? or am i over reacting?

Comms69 · 12 February 2019 at 12:15PM

thisisme2000 wrote: »

Comms - we have been married just over 7 yrs. - sorry I mean, are you a romantic couple, or are you simply married.

I do need to see things from his point of view but it's hard when I can't get the info out of him.

I think he prefers to be the person who is in charge of the "day to day spending" which he maybe is the only way to move forward. - perhaps. and that's fine if you're fine with it. Relationships arent about both doing the same thing, it's about both doing and it all getting done

Having an agreement with a budget we both can follow then in principle I think this is a good idea, but I don't think this should be in an account I cannot access for the sake of principle - and what if something happens to him - and me and the kids can't access any money? - I agree with you. But that doesn't make him right or wrong.

Thanks

Ultimately there are cracks showing in your marriage and it's upto you both to decide where you compromise.

charlotte1994 · 12 February 2019 at 12:19PM

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

I'm concerned you earn £36,000/year, which is £3,000/month, but only take home £1,700. This is, quite simply, wrong, tax and national insurance on what you are should be hundreds less than that so unless you are paying an absolute fortune into a workplace pension (that you clearly can't afford to) your works payroll is making a colossal error with your earnings.

The pair of you need to talk openly about money, all aspects of it, with all information on the table and reach an agreement which deals with your unsecured debts and is equitable to both. Your problem in your marriage seems to mostly be communication.

I was thinking this OP, check your tax. I only earn 17k a year and bring home around £1,100. I know you will get taxed more than me but you should be bringing home a lot more than that!!

Comms69 · 12 February 2019 at 12:22PM

charlotte1994 wrote: »

I was thinking this OP, check your tax. I only earn 17k a year and bring home around £1,100. I know you will get taxed more than me but you should be bringing home a lot more than that!!

You are both taxed at the same rate.

thisisme2000 · 12 February 2019 at 12:54PM

Paddy's mum - thanks for that perspective.

I suppose I see it as a betrayal on my part as I didn't just ask him for help when I needed it - I was afraid of being judged for not making ends meet.

I do at times tell myself as you say 'im not a cheater, or a criminal, or a substance user - so this is a stupid financial mistake and I'm only human please cut me some slack" but he says the only way we can move on is if he takes control - but what good does this do in the long run?

I do find myself thinking - how much worse off would I really be if it was just me and the kids. ..?

Commms - interesting question re the couple thing.. "are you "just married" ... We probably do fall into that category - we are rarely intimate.
I said to him that I feel he is not easy to talk to and he is very shut down at times - that I feel he just doesn't want to talk to me most of the time - he looked very sheepish and didnt have much to say to be honest. I think I have become a nag.

Maybe the end is nigh - this is the last thing that I want. We used to be so in tune with each other.

Im really worried about how this is going to pan out.

Comms69 · 12 February 2019 at 1:02PM

thisisme2000 wrote: »

Paddy's mum - thanks for that perspective.

I suppose I see it as a betrayal on my part as I didn't just ask him for help when I needed it - I was afraid of being judged for not making ends meet.

I do at times tell myself as you say 'im not a cheater, or a criminal, or a substance user - so this is a stupid financial mistake and I'm only human please cut me some slack" but he says the only way we can move on is if he takes control - but what good does this do in the long run?

I do find myself thinking - how much worse off would I really be if it was just me and the kids. ..?

Commms - interesting question re the couple thing.. "are you "just married" ... We probably do fall into that category - we are rarely intimate. - That's usually a good barometer of a relationship. And it doesn't have to be like when you first met. A romantic meal; a walk just the two of you; doing things for one another - stereotype but: him running you a bath and taking the kids out for few hours / you getting him some beers and letting him watch the match without being disturbed.

Intimacy will return if you both start making the effort

I said to him that I feel he is not easy to talk to and he is very shut down at times - that I feel he just doesn't want to talk to me most of the time - he looked very sheepish and didnt have much to say to be honest. I think I have become a nag. - it happens; all too often. Men tend to shut down when they aren't valued. Is him wanting to take ownership of the finances a cry to be more needed?

Maybe the end is nigh - this is the last thing that I want. We used to be so in tune with each other. - only if you both give up

Im really worried about how this is going to pan out.

Instead of talking tonight. Why don't you get the kids to bed, have a nice dinner together and just enjoy each others company.

No talk of money whatsoever.

thisisme2000 · 12 February 2019 at 1:04PM

That's a really nice idea 👍

paddy's_mum · 12 February 2019 at 1:41PM

thisisme2000 wrote: »

Maybe the end is nigh - this is the last thing that I want. We used to be so in tune with each other.

Im really worried about how this is going to pan out.

So talk, talk and then talk a lot more! None of you have anything to lose - except the marriage if you keep on failing to communicate, compromise and work together!

-taff · 12 February 2019 at 1:43PM

|SOunds odd. I'd be a bit worried [ok, a lot worried] if my OH said he wanted me to pay my money into his account. That's what a joint account is for.

And I would be really bloody angry if he had brought up past debts, especially if you cleared them from your own money.
I would also be worried about how much HE owes, because if you know he has a loan for this or that and is suggesting you pay money into his acount, sounds like he hasn't got a handle on his own finances.
I wouldn't be setting up a joint account until I knew exactly where his money was going and how much he owed.

One potential solution is for you to transfer all direct debit household bills to his account and pay him half the bills minus his half of bills that have to be paid in person, such as shopping or clothes etc
Or divide the direct debits bewteen you so you both pay the same amount.
Or get prepaid credit cards where you both put money on them for household bills regarding shopping etc.

hb2 · 12 February 2019 at 1:51PM

OP, you have raised one very clear problem with the idea of putting all your money into his account - what would you do if something happened to him? This does not need to be death, but accident or illness that renders him unable to manage his bank account.

As for the rest - this does sound like evidence of a severe crack in your relationship. Only you know whether it is worth working to repair or whether the damage is too great.

seashore22 · 12 February 2019 at 2:02PM

Comms69, do you have any experiences or knowledge of domestic abuse? I only ask because I find your replies quite simplistic and possibly naive.

This may or may not be full blown financial abuse, but it is ringing a few alarm bells for me and obviously the op is worried too.

OP, I don't want to say too much either about my indirect experience, but it sounds all too familiar. How is the rest of your marriage? Any other concerns?

Is this financial abuse? or am i over reacting?

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