Is this financial abuse? or am i over reacting?

Comms69

Tammykitty wrote: »

Although this is true, that the actual tax percentage is the same, the % of wages paid as tax isn't due to personal allowance.


2 people earning £17k and 1 earning £34k and both with a student loan


Person 1 - Net wages £14,942 (£1,245 per month)
Person 2 - net wages £25,092 (£2,091 per month)


So person 1 receives 88% of their salary and person 2 receives 74% of theirs.


One of the many problems with calculating things on household income - one house with 2 people on £17k has more disposable income than a house with 1 person on £34k

Well that's obvious. This is because of the individual tax free allowance.

april_hunt

Me and my partner have a joint account we agree to half all bills so as long as the money is in the joint it will go towards the bills and anything else we need we pay for from our accounts i.e. I do the food shop and he does the gas electric or fuel.


When I thought enough was enough by the amount of debt he was in I said about moving the money into my account then take out what he actually needed but he's managed to sort himself out himself with abit of nagging from me and opened up to me that nagging him reminded him and would prefer it that way. My partner hates talking money and leaves everything to me which I can't really say I like as I don't do well being under pressure.


I'd definitely see if you can swap and get any of your outgoings cheaper for a start and then work out your spendings again. I've got to say I've been using a lot of my own savings to pay for things as were getting married in a few months it will get paid back eventually but I have to tell myself not to use it and be abit more harsh on myself with money again. I know I can do it and I'm sure you have the determination to do it too. Good luck

Comms69

paddy's_mum wrote: »

While I can agree with Comms69 in particular that nobody can see all sides just from an OP, there are enough warning bells going off in enough experienced heads to warrant almost all of the advice given so far in this thread.

It is the husband's 'vagueness' that worries me most of all and if both parties are in debt (to whatever degree) then clearly something is wrong with their financial structures and that alone is enough reason to insist on openness and honesty.

Putting all the money into one person's hands would be folly - what's to stop him allowing OP to view online 5 or 6 times and then quietly closing the account and moving (by then, HIS!) funds elsewhere. - I agree, I wouldn't do it either; and I said this at least twice.

OP, you cannot keep lurching on in this frightened, insecure fashion. It's not good for you, for him, for the children or for the marriage. He may not wish to talk but you have to find a way to make him see just what risks with the future he is taking.

I shall be thinking of you all.

My issue is the need to label everything and the victim mentality that seems to be growing more and more in society.


It's very destructive; in particular to people who want to maintain the traditional values of family and of marriage.

Comms69

april_hunt wrote: »

Me and my partner have a joint account we agree to half all bills so as long as the money is in the joint it will go towards the bills and anything else we need we pay for from our accounts i.e. I do the food shop and he does the gas electric or fuel.


When I thought enough was enough by the amount of debt he was in I said about moving the money into my account then take out what he actually needed but he's managed to sort himself out himself with abit of nagging from me and opened up to me that nagging him reminded him and would prefer it that way. My partner hates talking money and leaves everything to me which I can't really say I like as I don't do well being under pressure.


I'd definitely see if you can swap and get any of your outgoings cheaper for a start and then work out your spendings again. I've got to say I've been using a lot of my own savings to pay for things as were getting married in a few months it will get paid back eventually but I have to tell myself not to use it and be abit more harsh on myself with money again. I know I can do it and I'm sure you have the determination to do it too. Good luck

See a perfectly reasonable solution to a problem, achieved by communicating.


But in some eyes here you would be financially abusing your partner; what a strange world eh.

seashore22

Comms69 wrote: »

And if it's not (which I cant see any reason to think it is) the op doesn't need her fractured relationship being torn further apart - in particular by people who have their own agenda

I don't have an agenda thanks very much. I have personal experience of how damaging this sort of behaviour can be in a relationship and I care that people get the help they need. I'm not trying to big up the op's concerns, but I not going to downplay them either.

Comms69

seashore22 wrote: »

I don't have an agenda thanks very much. I have personal experience of how damaging this sort of behaviour can be in a relationship and I care that people get the help they need. I'm not trying to big up the op's concerns, but I not going to downplay them either.

I disagree; and we're all entitled to our own opinions.


The fact that you wont specify your concerns or discuss anything I've written; instead just repeating the same mantra, suggests that this isn't in anyway about what the OP wants, but rather what you believe they need.


That is disempowering towards the OP.


In any case, my sympathies for your difficulties in the past.

april_hunt

Yeah I suppose I would but we've done well to achieve what we have and I'm proud of him. Sometimes it just takes a little push in the right direction

Comms69

april_hunt wrote: »

Yeah I suppose I would but we've done well to achieve what we have and I'm proud of him. Sometimes it just takes a little push in the right direction

Totally agree with you, well done for sorting it out

thisisme2000

Comms69 wrote: »

See a perfectly reasonable solution to a problem, achieved by communicating.


But in some eyes here you would be financially abusing your partner; what a strange world eh.

I get this, however this is a mutual agreement and that's the difference. Being told "I cant trust you unless you give me your entire salary to manage" Doesn't make me feel safe, it makes me feel scared..


On the other hand, if I get "an allowance" - then I probably stand to be better off in my pocket weekly than I am now and at least he contributes to half of all the bills - but at what cost to my mentality...?

Comms69

thisisme2000 wrote: »

I get this, however this is a mutual agreement and that's the difference. Being told "I cant trust you unless you give me your entire salary to manage" Doesn't make me feel safe, it makes me feel scared..


On the other hand, if I get "an allowance" - then I probably stand to be better off in my pocket weekly than I am now and at least he contributes to half of all the bills - but at what cost to my mentality...?

Yes I get that, but again i'll quickly turn this round.


He isn't happy with your solution; which is why communication and compromise are key.


Neither of you will get what you want, as soon as you both accept that you might get something that you can live with.