Is this financial abuse? or am i over reacting?

Savvy_Sue

I think my bottom line with him would be "no, I am not prepared to have my salary paid into YOUR account, even if you give me online access to it" (which would probably be against the t&c of a sole account anyway.)

"However, if you are willing to open a JOINT account with me, I will transfer £X from my salary into it, if you transfer £X+/- into it too, and we will pay all the bills from that. And if you would like to organise those payments, be my guest."

But having said that, if you do not currently have any joint finances, there are merits to keeping yourselves separately, because if it turns out he is in a financial hole he hasn't told you about, then you are at least protected from his financial hole.

littlegreenparrot

You describe things that worry me, it maybe that its a misunderstanding, not meant to be abusive or whatever else, but it's ringing bells.

Personally, as a competent adult, I would not be paying my entire salary into someone else's account. Anyone who suggested it would be given short shrift.

The simplest solution would surely be a separate joint account. Add up all the bills and other joint expenses, divide by 2, then you each pay that in every month. You retain control of your own account, and anyone can look at the joint whenever they wish...

When you try to discuss it, it would be worth trying to de-personalise it. So, no accusations, try to be business like, we have x problem and need to find a solution.
I thought about x, y, z, what do you think? It would make life easier for both of us because...
You could even make it a part of a bigger conversation about emergency planning, do you have wills? What will happen with the children etc.

Good luck.
Please don't just accept something you're not happy with.

gycraig_2

Leave him. You will be in same situation but without a weasel leaching off you

FBaby

Playing devil's advocate but could the issue be that you have different views on what you believe is esse tial spending ?

You say that you started to biluild your credit card because you stopped asking him to help out and so put these purchases on your credit card but then was too embarrassed to let him know of the debt?

I think a lot of problems in marriages relating to debt is a different perspective on what is reasonable spend and what isn't. Usual culprit tend to be regular clothes, shoes, nice hair cuts, make up and nice things for the house etc...

Could it be that the reason why your OH wants full control is because he doesn't agree with some of your spending that you consider normal spend and he considers it luxury?

Either way, agreeing on an soa is the way to go and certsi ly more transparency of what is spent on what.