Is this financial abuse? or am i over reacting?

Soundgirlrocks

OP, the more I think about this the more I suspect that he has serious money issues that he is trying to hide and is hoping by taking control of your money as well he can dig himself out of a hole without you finding out.

thisisme2000

Soundgirlrocks wrote: »

OP, the more I think about this the more I suspect that he has serious money issues that he is trying to hide and is hoping by taking control of your money as well he can dig himself out of a hole without you finding out.

I'm starting to worry about the same thing...

Comms69

seashore22 wrote: »

Sorry, not interested in intellectual debate. Too real right now.- Perhaps not make comments like you did then?

However it is pretty clear that the op's husband is controlling over money. - is he? So far all I've seen is a couple who have not communicated clearly their desired financial contributions Why else would he not want a joint account. - literally any of a dozen of reasons. He is also using past mistakes on the op's part to justify it. - So he's learning from experience? Again we only ever hear one side of the situation here. The op has also said that she has experienced low mood as a result of having to constantly ask for more money. Edit - these are red flags to me. - That's fine. You can choose to extricate yourself from such a relationship. Doesn't make it abuse

The suggesting that she has a nice meal with her husband and not talk about money made me feel a bit sick, if I'm honest. - suggest you visit your GP. The OP has said she wants this marriage to work, constantly going on about the same topic is likely to drive them further apart Not because it's sugary, but because it's advice like this which makes women (and some men) put up with controlling partners long after they should have done something about it. - yes, ofcourse. Trying to fix a fractured relationship is also abuse/victimisation. The abused person thinks it's their job to make things right. It's not. - It's not. but here's a little tip: I DONT KNOW THE OP, I CANT TELL THE HUSBAND TO GRAB A BUNCH OF FLOWERS AND A BOTTLE OF WINE ON HIS WAY HOME...

If this really is financial abuse then a pat on the head is not what the op needs.

And if it's not (which I cant see any reason to think it is) the op doesn't need her fractured relationship being torn further apart - in particular by people who have their own agenda

paddy's_mum

thisisme2000 wrote: »

I'm going to present him with my soa and [STRIKE]ask for[/STRIKE]
demand the same from him.

I've corrected that for you

He's in debt but critical of you to the point where you are afraid to speak and call yourself a betrayer. Sorry OP but the word for that is hypocrite.

trailingspouse

One other small point (well, maybe not so small). The OP's husband has suggested that if all her mony was in his account, she could access it online. This would be fraud - he would have to divulge his pin numbers etc to her, which he isn't supposed to do. Would be very easy for him to promise that she can access it, then to suddenly come over all law-abiding and 'really sorry, I'm not allowed to give you access after all' - and she wouldn't have a leg to stand on.


OP - please look around you and take note of the other parts of your life that he controls (you've already mentioned holidays and days out).

Comms69

paddy's_mum wrote: »

I've corrected that for you

He's in debt but critical of you to the point where you are afraid to speak and call yourself a betrayer. Sorry OP but the word for that is hypocrite.

Because one partner placing demands on another isn't at all controlling?... but the winky face make it ok.

Comms69

trailingspouse wrote: »

One other small point (well, maybe not so small). The OP's husband has suggested that if all her mony was in his account, she could access it online. This would be fraud - It wouldn't be fraud in the slightest. It would remove your protection from fraud with the bank, but fundamentally that is not at all the same thing - he would have to divulge his pin numbers etc to her, which he isn't supposed to do. Would be very easy for him to promise that she can access it, then to suddenly come over all law-abiding - no such law exists and 'really sorry, I'm not allowed to give you access after all' - and she wouldn't have a leg to stand on.


OP - please look around you and take note of the other parts of your life that he controls (you've already mentioned holidays and days out).

must be part of the "I Just Made It Up Act 2019"

thisisme2000

paddy's_mum wrote: »

I've corrected that for you

He's in debt but critical of you to the point where you are afraid to speak and call yourself a betrayer. Sorry OP but the word for that is hypocrite.

hehe that made me smile

paddy's_mum

While I can agree with Comms69 in particular that nobody can see all sides just from an OP, there are enough warning bells going off in enough experienced heads to warrant almost all of the advice given so far in this thread.

It is the husband's 'vagueness' that worries me most of all and if both parties are in debt (to whatever degree) then clearly something is wrong with their financial structures and that alone is enough reason to insist on openness and honesty.

Putting all the money into one person's hands would be folly - what's to stop him allowing OP to view online 5 or 6 times and then quietly closing the account and moving (by then, HIS!) funds elsewhere.

OP, you cannot keep lurching on in this frightened, insecure fashion. It's not good for you, for him, for the children or for the marriage. He may not wish to talk but you have to find a way to make him see just what risks with the future he is taking.

I shall be thinking of you all.

Tammykitty

charlotte1994 wrote: »

I was thinking this OP, check your tax. I only earn 17k a year and bring home around £1,100. I know you will get taxed more than me but you should be bringing home a lot more than that!!

Comms69 wrote: »

You are both taxed at the same rate.

Although this is true, that the actual tax percentage is the same, the % of wages paid as tax isn't due to personal allowance.


2 people earning £17k and 1 earning £34k and both with a student loan


Person 1 - Net wages £14,942 (£1,245 per month)
Person 2 - net wages £25,092 (£2,091 per month)


So person 1 receives 88% of their salary and person 2 receives 74% of theirs.


One of the many problems with calculating things on household income - one house with 2 people on £17k has more disposable income than a house with 1 person on £34k