Is this financial abuse? or am i over reacting?

Mojisola

paddy's_mum wrote: »

So talk, talk and then talk a lot more!

That won't work if he won't talk!

seashore22

trailingspouse wrote: »

You used your credit card rather than asking him for more money. This sends alarm bells ringing straight away.


He also has loans that you aren't entirely surely what they paid for. More alarm bells.


You need to insist that you both sit down and talk about money. And if he won't? For me, the alarm bells would be ringing so loud I would have to get out.


You've read about Financial Abuse - so now that you know what Financial Abuse looks like, and you've compared it to your situation, what do you think is happening?


Please don't kid yourself that it is punishment that is in any way justified. It's all about control. He wants it. And it's convenient for him if you think that the punishment is justified because it will make you more likely to put up with it. It isn't, and you shouldn't.



And him wanting your salary paid into his account? No, No, No. Joint account, maybe.



Please

This is excellent advice.

Soundgirlrocks

thisisme2000 wrote: »

he says he would just feel better if it was all in his account and I could log in and see it.

And I'm sure you would feel better if you didn't have to go cap in hand to your husband because you are carrying most of the financial burden???

thisisme2000 wrote: »

He says he is worried ill just go nuts and spend a fortune...?

I'd be worried he's going nuts with your money as it sounds like he is already taking the mick.

The only option IMH are separate accounts where you get your wages and transfer a equal amount to a joint account which is for household bills and child care only, don't have debit cards for that account, SO and Direct debits only. Each take grocery money out in cash at the start of the month (good way to budget anyway) and pop it into a separate wallet.

Only thing that might be in your husbands defence is if he thinks you are suggesting just having a joint account / or doesn't understand you can have multiple bank accounts.

Comms69

seashore22 wrote: »

Comms69, do you have any experiences or knowledge of domestic abuse? I only ask because I find your replies quite simplistic and possibly naive.

This may or may not be full blown financial abuse, but it is ringing a few alarm bells for me and obviously the op is worried too.

OP, I don't want to say too much either about my indirect experience, but it sounds all too familiar. How is the rest of your marriage? Any other concerns?

Yes plenty, thanks.

Which replies bothered you so mich, be specific so we can debate this.

borkid

thisisme2000 wrote: »

Comms - we have been married just over 7 yrs.

I do need to see things from his point of view but it's hard when I can't get the info out of him.

I think he prefers to be the person who is in charge of the "day to day spending" which he maybe is the only way to move forward.

Having an agreement with a budget we both can follow then in principle I think this is a good idea, but I don't think this should be in an account I cannot access for the sake of principle - and what if something happens to him - and me and the kids can't access any money?

Thanks

Something similar happened to someone I knew her OH was rushed into hospital in a coma for a while. Her adult childen had to give her money because she had no access to the OH money and no joint accounts. They lived 100s of miles away.



As OH and I have got older we now have nearly all joint accounts ( not ISAs and 1 saving account where he saves any of his spare money). Although we have joint accounts he runs the one his pension goes into and I run the one mine does but we both have access if needs be.

kazwookie

OP, I think he is controlling and sounds like a real pain in the a s s .

Get him to talk, if he won't then I would be inclined to walk away from him and your marraige, he is covering things up, and IMO not being honest.

But this is what I would do, only YOU can sort out what you would do.

Good luck.

Doodles

I can feel how frustrated you are with this situation.

I'm not so sure about financial abuse, but your marriage definitely has some issues, and finances are just one of them.

You are on equal par with each other on earnings, so it's ridiculous (to me anyway) for him to suggest he control all the money. This is 2019 not 1969.

What I don't understand (forgive me if I missed this) is you say he pays gas and electric. But what other bills such as water bill, tv licence, broadband, those sorts of jointly used bills?

seashore22

Comms69 wrote: »

Yes plenty, thanks.

Which replies bothered you so mich, be specific so we can debate this.

Sorry, not interested in intellectual debate. Too real right now.

However it is pretty clear that the op's husband is controlling over money. Why else would he not want a joint account. He is also using past mistakes on the op's part to justify it. The op has also said that she has experienced low mood as a result of having to constantly ask for more money. Edit - these are red flags to me.

The suggesting that she has a nice meal with her husband and not talk about money made me feel a bit sick, if I'm honest. Not because it's sugary, but because it's advice like this which makes women (and some men) put up with controlling partners long after they should have done something about it. The abused person thinks it's their job to make things right. It's not.

If this really is financial abuse then a pat on the head is not what the op needs.

thisisme2000

Thanks so much everyone for your concerns ❤️

I am concerned about his vagueness when I question his finances. He says he knows he over spends but he certainly has far more debt than I do and I don't punish him for it. He tells me how much they are for but I can't quite see where the rest of the money goes ��

I'm going to present him with my soa and ask for the same from him.

I'm also going to ask him if he wants to continue with the marriage or not - is he pushing me to this point so I refuse to hand over my money and then he says he can't trusr me so it's the end?
The marriage is "ok" I'd say - I don't see much of him due to his working pattern but I do enjoy his company when he is in the mood for chatting.
He does do some things that bother me - little annoyances but I know if I did the same he would have a moan.

We definitely don't communicate as we used to. Did I stop trying first or did he stop listening first ? I'm not sure but I know I don't bother asking him things as often as I know he will just say "no" rather than have a discussion. I end up feeling annoyed and berated and therefore go in a "mood" and my mood ruins the rest of the day for everyone.

SuperPikachu

thisisme2000 wrote: »

Thanks so much everyone for your concerns ❤️

I am concerned about his vagueness when I question his finances. He says he knows he over spends but he certainly has far more debt than I do and I don't punish him for it. He tells me how much they are for but I can't quite see where the rest of the money goes ��

I'm going to present him with my soa and ask for the same from him.

I'm also going to ask him if he wants to continue with the marriage or not - is he pushing me to this point so I refuse to hand over my money and then he says he can't trusr me so it's the end?
The marriage is "ok" I'd say - I don't see much of him due to his working pattern but I do enjoy his company when he is in the mood for chatting.
He does do some things that bother me - little annoyances but I know if I did the same he would have a moan.

We definitely don't communicate as we used to. Did I stop trying first or did he stop listening first ? I'm not sure but I know I don't bother asking him things as often as I know he will just say "no" rather than have a discussion. I end up feeling annoyed and berated and therefore go in a "mood" and my mood ruins the rest of the day for everyone.

All sounds pretty optimistic and fixable - good luck with everything.