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    • Mylife
    • By Mylife 3rd Jul 18, 8:19 PM
    • 48Posts
    • 89Thanks
    Messed up
    • #1
    • 3rd Jul 18, 8:19 PM
    Messed up 3rd Jul 18 at 8:19 PM
    I slept with a married man, yes I know it was wrong but what's done is done. I'm now 8wks pregnant and have decided to keep the baby. I did not want to involve the father, but he guessed it was his and eventually I admitted it. I can look /provide tor the baby alone. Financially I'm in a good place. he seems excited, wants accompany me to all my appointments, is suggesting names etc. I have tried to tell him that I do not wish to still be involved with him but he keeps calling, texting asking how I am.He is also offering money but I have said no. I'm thinking of moving and changing my no, but that would mean leaving my well paid job . Any suggestions on how I can deal with this.

    yes I know I was wrong
Page 15
    • Dimps_123
    • By Dimps_123 17th May 19, 7:05 AM
    • 94 Posts
    • 277 Thanks
    Ah Mylife I am feeling for you. Very similar emotions to mine when I had my son, so many years ago. It all works out in the end - honestly! Enjoy spending time with your daughter, take it all in, create memories and record as much as you can.

    All you can do is take it one step at a time and no doubt you will have your daughter at the heart of every decision you make.

    In my situation I was 100% honest every step of the way with my son. As much as he could understand at each age I explained what happened and he made his own decisions along the way. Unfortunately his father died over ten years ago and my son never got the opportunity to sit down and ask his dad why, however as an adult he also understands why it didn't work out. Alcohol and drugs were a huge part of his dads life, so it was those that made the decision for him. I'm not defending that behaviour or saying your daughter's dad has it any easier or harder, but all we can do is the best for our children with the situation we are put in.

    I'm completely open with my son, yes I made mistakes and yes he has thrown back in my face (when he was an arrogant teenager of course :-) ). What I'm trying to say is we can only do our best. You sound like you want to do the best by your daughter and you will.

    Working towards being debt free June 2022
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 17th May 19, 7:21 AM
    • 22,651 Posts
    • 61,253 Thanks
    Sevenday thank you very much despite the situation not being ideal I'm so happy tired but happy. I wish I had a seven'day'!weekend

    Snowbird at the moment I don't know how to deal with it. He is not making it easy by pushing for more. When I said no he threw a tantrum to the point where I had to cut contact. At one time I said he can visit with his sister but he said no. He wants to visit on his own We are being punished. Things will have to change but I honestly don't know how.
    Originally posted by Mylife
    Is there a particular reason why you don't want him visiting on his own?
    Do you feel he wants to restart your relationship and you might feel pressured?
    • anna_1977
    • By anna_1977 17th May 19, 10:02 AM
    • 847 Posts
    • 1,190 Thanks
    Congratulations on your daughter. I know it's tiring and stressful but try to enjoy every moment with her, especially while she's tired.

    Like others I think you need to contact the CMS - there is amount he will HAVE to pay and your daughter is entitled to that. Please also make sure you are claiming child benefit and any other benefits you might be entitled to.

    The contact needs to be sorted out between the two of you but if he doesn't tell his wife at some point this will be very tricky.

    Look after yourself and your daughter. Don't be afraid to ask you mum for childcare help, she'd probably jump at the chance!

    • harrys nan
    • By harrys nan 17th May 19, 11:11 AM
    • 1,597 Posts
    • 3,188 Thanks
    harrys nan
    CongratulationsI have just caught with your thread.
    It's lovely to hear your daughter has arrived safe and sound.

    I know at the moment things are not too great with the dad, but he is a man and they don't always (often) think straight, I'm sure that it will sort itself out at least I hope so.
    For now, enjoy your daughter and start to make memories and ask your family to help out, they might think they are pushing themselves onto you.
    Look after yourself as well, take care xx
    Treat other's how you like to be treated.

    Harry born 23/09/2008
    New baby grandson, Louie born 28/06/2012,
    Proud nanny to two beautiful boys
    And now I have the joy of having my foster granddaughter becoming my real granddaughter. Can't ask for anything better
    • Mylife
    • By Mylife 17th May 19, 8:29 PM
    • 48 Posts
    • 89 Thanks
    Dimps I like that you are honest with your son Im dure your son will appreciate it.You are brave and are doing it in a right way.i guess when the time comes I will have to tell the truth as well. If I'm honest I'm more embarrassed at the whole situation. I never thought in a million years I would have a baby with a married man.

    Harrysnan thank you,you were always so kind in your previous posts.I think I'm still overwhelmed at the moment but I hope things will work out. Although when I say work out I don't know in which way. I just don't know what I want. I want to be happy.

    Anna77 thank you for your advice I will look into sorting out financial support for the baby. I am now realizing that my previous stance to say we do not need his help was wrong. He needs to do his part. Also realistically money is the only thing he can offer without the wife knowing.

    Pollycat I am not good at saying no or being assertive. He is much more clever than me and would easily manipulate the situation and I could end up agreeing to see him again. An example of how gullible I am is I still believe some things he said about his marriage even though he must have been lying. I don't know if its because I want to comfort myself or just burying my head.
    • Savvy_Sue
    • By Savvy_Sue 18th May 19, 9:51 PM
    • 39,869 Posts
    • 37,116 Thanks
    I go back to a suggestion I believe I made much earlier in your thread. I really would seriously consider changing jobs as soon as you can, and / or moving away. No, you shouldn't have to, but if he is going to manipulate you and lie to you, then getting away would make that much harder for him.
    Still knitting!
    Completed: 1 adult cardigan, 3 baby jumpers, 3 shawls, 1 sweat band, 3 pairs baby bootees,
    1 Wise Man Knitivity figure + 1 sheep, 2 pairs socks, 2 hats, 2 balaclavas for seamen, 1 balaclava for myself, multiple poppies, 3 peony flowers, 4 butterflies ...
    Current projects: ready to decrease / decreasing on all parts of the mohair cardigan pattern! but moved onto wrist warmers for friends at Christmas ...
    • Mylife
    • By Mylife 19th May 19, 4:03 PM
    • 48 Posts
    • 89 Thanks
    Savvy Sue changing jobs would indeed make it easier. I may have to because seeing him at work will probably bring new problems between us. Also I have to carry this secret at work for him as I'm sure he doesn't want people finding out. I really like my job and it's a lovely place to work, unfortunately I may have to leave.
    • Dimps_123
    • By Dimps_123 20th May 19, 7:19 AM
    • 94 Posts
    • 277 Thanks
    Mylife - please don't feel responsible for your daughter's father's mistakes and choices. I understand you feel like you have made a mistake and not in a place you ever thought you would be, but you are. Its happened and you have a beautiful baby daughter. You made the decision to have her - so something was calling you and saying it was the right thing to do. I agree with others in that you need to consider changing your job, if you feel you have to keep that secret. However, I think it would be a good idea to talk with the father first. He needs to take responsibility for this too, the upbringing and financial responsibility of your daughter, his own issues with his wife and their children and of course what will be explained at work if necessary. In the grand scheme of things - is it so bad that you had an affair with someone at work? It happens all the time, people will talk about it for a little while until the next bit of gossip comes along. It's none of their business! The most important thing is that you are mentally and physically healthy to be able to look after that baby of yours. Life will take over, that baby will grow up and you will be there for all those lovely milestones. I understand it might not be what you dreamt of - but you can make the best of it, in your own way.

    I know its easy for me to say, mine was 22 years ago - honestly I can still sit and cry over my lost dreams of bringing up my son in a "normal" family, but in practical terms what's normal these days? Keep your chin up and put your big girls pants on :-) Keep moving forward. I can only tell you how it worked for me and I hope a small part of that helps.

    Take care
    Working towards being debt free June 2022
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