Just needed to be heard for a little while

mellymoo74 · 30 July 2014 at 11:16PM

Waves_and_Smiles wrote: »

Allergies are something I suffer from, although I haven't has specific foods tested. So far I know of nettles, penicillin, ibuprofen, Valium derivatives, some shellfish, cannabis (yes really, gives me itchy spots and I throw up continuously as my fingers swell up) and the antidote to Paracetamol which in hindsight was hilarious after an overdose as there was more of more of panic after giving me the treatment than there was about what I had taken.

I lean towards having an Eating Disorder which I try to keep under control. I have spent most of my life eating loads and then eating almost nothing with my weight going up and down constantly. It took me a long time to learn to like food rather than seeing it as a source of control and guilt, withholding and rewarding with food was something my mother did a lot. It is still difficult but not as much of a problem as it once was.

I understand the food as a means of control thing. Do you find that it manifests itself in times of stress? I 'enjoy' the feelings of weakness and hunger pains when I have too much external stuff going on.

whitewing · 30 July 2014 at 11:22PM

I don't think I have ever been hungry in my life. I never say no to food. I don't binge as such, I am just never, ever empty. Even if it's healthy food. Prior to this new medication (which seems to suit me), I would think about teatime as I was eating lunch.

Waves_and_Smiles · 31 July 2014 at 1:10AM

Hello melly! I find the more out of control things feel to me the less I will eat. I do enjoy the hunger, particularly if it is painful and I also like feeling 'clean' inside. Although this a lot better still sometimes if I am depressed I will often binge until I have stomach ache and the ideal feeling that I always aimed for was being unable to breathe properly because I was so full.

It is a strange mix between a need for control, self-harm and trying to feel clean for me, related to food patterns introduced by mother before and after abuse. Something I did for many years was drink alcohol very quickly. This was because it made me be sick several times over. Again, it made me feel clean inside. Oddly, I used to like upset stomachs and periods for the same reason. Basically anything that felt like the 'dirt' was flowing out of me, although I couldn't analyse it that accurately at the time. I just knew that the emptier I felt, the less disgusting I believed myself to be.

I have also gone through stages like that, whitewing. For a few years food was all I thought about, I needed to eat something or plan to eat something almost constantly, it made me feel safe. Then it swung the other way and I ate a bowl of porridge and a apple a day for months. I have better control over it now but there are still blips.

My diagnosis for that was EDNOS and I did discuss staying in hospital for a while and joining other suffers in a treatment programme. Fortunately I managed to get a grip on it with the help of the other therapy I was having. Like a lot of mental health conditions you are never fully cured of an eating disorder, you can learn to control it but you also need to stay aware and keep on top of things.

Sometimes I think this is why I am tired so much, I am constantly monitoring myself for all sorts of things.

whitewing · 31 July 2014 at 7:56AM

For any of our Thread Friends who are reading, EDNOS is Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified.

I have not used this organisation myself, but I have heard good things about this Eating Disorders support organisation, beat

http://www.b-eat.co.uk/get-help/about-eating-disorders/types-of-eating-disorder1/ednos/

whitewing · 31 July 2014 at 8:23AM

dibuzz, I hope you managed to get some sleep last night. Have you started your sleep diary yet?

dibuzz · 31 July 2014 at 8:29AM

Yes but there's not much in it

lostinrates · 31 July 2014 at 12:32PM

dibuzz wrote: »

Yes but there's not much in it

Well, that's the point.
Maybe make a note of what you did pre sleep and what you end up doing when you can't sleep too? So they can see how you are trying to tackle it? I dunno. I'm out ATM, but if I remember when I get back I could have a google for you?

Waves_and_Smiles · 31 July 2014 at 3:12PM

Good afternoon!

Hope everyone is coping the best that they can today.

I am having OCD problems. I have many tiny rituals that are not even noticable but I seem to be carrying them out every few minutes. Sometimes it triggers for no reason, in my case my OCD seems to be at least partially chemically linked too. It is more of an annoyance these days as I can control the larger rituals, but the little ones still drive me mad.

For example I do a lot in numbers and symmetry. If I accidentally feel my breath on one arm I need to blow on the other so it matches. If I happen to touch the nail of one finger with the other hand I have to touch the corresponding nail. They are tiny things but there are a lot of them which means I am doing them very frequently. Fortunately the ones I am left with at the most make me look fidgety rather than as if I doing specific things.

I developed OCD by the time I was 4. I would go through rituals before I could enter a room, when crossing a road, when eating and drinking and before I could use a toilet. By the time I was 25 it was very severe. I won't talk about what the worse rituals were now as I don't want to trigger them while it is active, but it was preventing me living an ordinary life and was very distressing. I never mentioned it to previous therapists as I was ashamed of it, I knew I didn't need to do these things but I couldn't stop. I felt that because I had a psychology degree that I should be able to deal with it myself, and I had never read about someone having the same rituals as me. I burst into tears after my psychotic break and finally told my favourite psychiatrist who calmly told me it was OCD, he had heard it all before and it was treatable. I was so relieved after years of living in fear. I have had a lot of CBT for it, 2 years worth for that specific problem which has helped with the bigger compulsions that were ruining my life, I also take medication to control it. But there are still frustrating days like this when it rears its head. Oh well, it will ease off, it always does.

Pyxis · 31 July 2014 at 3:24PM

:bdaycake:

(Sorry it's a bit late in the day, had a very early start and then a hectic day! I hope you are treating yourself!)

Waves_and_Smiles · 31 July 2014 at 3:30PM

Happy birthday elsien! Give Gitdog some birthday cake! (What did gitdog buy you for a gift?)

Just needed to be heard for a little while

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