Just needed to be heard for a little while

Waves_and_Smiles

I have mentioned this before but it needs to be said again, mental health problems are so tiring. On the two planned occasions when I tried to suicide it was because I was mentally exhausted and didn't feel as if I could do this anymore. No dramatic incident, no psychotic episode, just completely tired with it all.

I monitor my OCD, I monitor my schizophrenia, I monitor my BDP, I monitor my eating disorder, I monitor my psychotic depression. I am constantly rationalising everything in my head, examining my thoughts, reactions and emotions, thinking twice before I do the smallest of tasks. Then there are the memory lapses which are also exhausting. There is no spontaneity, I cannot allow that in my life. Everything is thought over several times to check that it is a healthy response. The voices constantly murmur in the background and the recorder records my actions. All of this goes on for every second that I am awake. I cannot allow myself to stop for a second in case something goes wrong.

The hospital where I used to live used to allow me a bed for the night. This is very rare and they only did so because I had been under their care for 16 years and they knew my conditions very well. Rather than me battling through and possibly messing up because I couldn't think clearly my psychiatrist made it possible that if I presented myself at A&E and said that I was in crisis that they would allow me to just rest until midday the next day. It was the only time that I could relax and not monitor myself because others were there to do it for me. I would sleep solidly for 10 hours and then the crisis team would meet with me next day, maybe adjust my medication and then send me home a little more refreshed than I was. It was beneficial to me and cheaper than me relapsing and needing more permanent care. I miss that.

I am tired today. I want to stop analysing myself and trying to keep on top of all of these conditions at once as they all fluctuate and combine with each other. Resting isn't an option, however so I will continue. I have to.

Waves_and_Smiles

I have no idea, Pyxis. It may have been that something nice happened involving those numbers as a child, it may have been something I read. I know one of the very difficult rituals came from something on tv, I remember it happening when I was 7. I know that I like even numbers because I cannot cope with anything being left out alone.

Thank you so much for your kind words, it does help to hear that someone believes I don't have to repeat them. OCD can make you feel very alone.

Pyxis

Waves_and_Smiles wrote: »

I have no idea, Pyxis. It may have been that something nice happened involving those numbers as a child, it may have been something I read. I know one of the very difficult rituals came from something on tv, I remember it happening when I was 7. I know that I like even numbers because I cannot cope with anything being left out alone.

Thank you so much for your kind words, it does help to hear that someone believes I don't have to repeat them. OCD can make you feel very alone.

That's fine, WaS. Have some time out. Give Sir Pugliet a cuddle........pugly cuddles always help.
We'll catch up with you when you're rested. Perhaps Sir P. needs some rest, too? :A:grouphug:

Pyxis

Don't forget the cloak of blue light, the lovely healing light, and let yourself be surrounded by us all as beautiful golden lights, soothing you and stroking your hair while the blue light washes over you gently, so gently.............................................................:heart2:

oldestgnome

Happy birthday Elsien :T. Hope you enjoy your evening :beer:

WaS I would like to further remind you that you don't need to do the rituals, nothing bad will happen if you don't do them.

Have you explained to your current hospital about what used to happen and how it helped prevent the need for longer term care as you could recognise when you needed that opportunity to switch off?

Most items have no awareness of self so there is no alone for most things. You can get rid of single items if you no longer need them, someone else may well have a better use for them as discussed earlier in the thread

*waves at a fastly disappearing JM*

Well done dibuzz on the diary. You may well not be sleeping much but hope you are still finding resting peaceful and refreshing? LiR makes some excellent suggestions.

Waves_and_Smiles

Awww, that sounds lovely Pyxis! I have sir Pugliet on my knee right now. Don't worry about me being tired, sometimes its actually better for me to talk when I am exhausted, otherwise I am stuck with everything going around in circles in my head. This thread has helped so much with that, there are only so many emails that you can send to friends in the course of a day repeating much of the same thing before you feel like a nuisance. Amusingly this thread has saved my teacher friend who used to get 6 or 7 a day on bad days, I am sure that he is much happier with 2 at the most!

Even by saying publicly that I am tired makes me feel stronger. Mental health problems are very isolating with a lot of shame and guilt attached. The more I push things out onto the page the less impact they have upon me. I also find that the more I am accepted the easier it is to deal with everything and everyone here has always been totally accepting of me. I really do appreciate it more than I can say.

oldestgnome

Team WaS accept and celebrate you for the lovely person you are :T

Waves_and_Smiles

Awww, thank you oldestgnome! That means the world to me. I am grinning now.

oldestgnome

Have you played lucky dip today? Or has Sir. P?

Pyxis

Waves_and_Smiles wrote: »

Awww, thank you oldestgnome! That means the world to me. I am grinning now.

Yes, you are totally accepted, WaS, warts and all! (Figuratively speaking! Don't actually know,if you've got any warts!)

And remember, nothing bad is going to happen to anyone if you don't do the rituals, nothing bad happens, nothing. Everyone is ok. Your rituals have no effect on what happens to anybody. You are a good person.