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  • FIRST POST
    • mariposa687
    • By mariposa687 1st Jan 18, 7:27 PM
    • 96Posts
    • 113Thanks
    mariposa687
    On-line dating experiences?
    • #1
    • 1st Jan 18, 7:27 PM
    On-line dating experiences? 1st Jan 18 at 7:27 PM
    I signed up for on-line dating at the end of last year. Been on one date, and all going to plan, I've said yes to a second date. Chatting to a few people, my profile pictures are decent (and up to date) and my profile is fairly well written.

    Something doesn't feel quite right about it. On-line dating seems quite cold compared to meeting someone in real life. I met my ex on an internship programme abroad.

    I find it stressful keeping up multiple conversations, people who don't respond and seem to end up with quite a few pen pals despite the idea being to go out on dates!. I also feel uncomfortable that the guys I go on dates with are talking to multiple people as well, even though I am too.

    Has anyone else tried it and felt the same? Any positive experiences?

    I've paid for 6 months but might not renew after that. I'd much prefer to meet someone through a hobby or similar but I'm 30 now and I do want to have kids so I'm worried that time isn't on my side. My close friends are all in long term relationships have never used online dating so they don't understand, as much as they try to.
Page 5
    • Ladykernow
    • By Ladykernow 3rd Jan 18, 10:25 PM
    • 245 Posts
    • 848 Thanks
    Ladykernow
    I'm living with the guy I met 3.5 years ago on plenty of fish. You get ups and down's, but enjoy the experiences!
    Dec 2017 - Dec 2018 ~ Save £5000 £404/£5000
    • xXMessedUpXx
    • By xXMessedUpXx 3rd Jan 18, 10:59 PM
    • 17,138 Posts
    • 45,092 Thanks
    xXMessedUpXx
    The job thing is an interesting one. I!!!8217;ve heard many people say they couldn!!!8217;t date someone with a low level job (such as retail, factory, waitressing). I don!!!8217;t think I!!!8217;m as fussy about someone!!!8217;s job.

    Having said that though, one of my cousins was in a long term relationship with a paramedic. In the end, it was his shift work and intensity of the job that got to her. Apparently many emergency services workers marry each other as only they understand the value of their work and the dedication that!!!8217;s required with it. Therefore I think I would prefer someone who worked a similar pattern to me, but if we both prioritise days off and annual leave for each other that would be work-able.
    Originally posted by AubreyMac
    My bf was unemployed when i met him, still lived at home etc. He got a temp job not long after we got together and he's still doing it now(hopefully being made perm in the next year or two).

    I don't judge because 5 years ago i was on benefits myself, i had 3 1/2 years of that and i know i was judged for it so i don;t judge anyone else for it if that makes sense.

    He still lives at home (thankfully i get on well with his parents!)but we're getting our own place soon

    as for meeting people offline i met one of my exes on a night out, and thus endured 3 years of an abusive relationship so online was much better for e!
    "Life Is Like A Beautiful Melody Only The Lyrics Are Messed Up"
    To see the rainbow you need both the sun and the rain to make its colours appear
    "I just need to be alone right now, i just wanna take a little breather"
    • DUTR
    • By DUTR 3rd Jan 18, 11:03 PM
    • 11,313 Posts
    • 6,482 Thanks
    DUTR
    When I was on Match.com, I was 25 and had set my age preferences to 25-35 for men. I also wanted someone with a similar level of education to me and, as I don't want children, I made it clear that I didn't want to date men with kids. I used to get a lot of guys messaging me who were 50+ or who had children. When I replied to them to say that I didn't think we were compatible, I'd then get a few nasty messages about my looks or accusing me of being stuck up or frigid. It happened a lot.
    Originally posted by zarabelle
    I can understand to a point setting an upper age limit (or even a lower one) with the upper limit, I guess the profiler has no intention of reaching that age?
    I have seen profiles where there are children in every picture, to me that sends out the wrong message, I remember commenting on one and I recieved a barrage of verbal abuse ( I suspect I wasn't the only one to have commented) strangely after a time the 1st picture was the candidate without the bonus prize.
    Overall, I think many 'choosers' are in denial and not looking for a meet/relationship just seeking attention
    • zarabelle
    • By zarabelle 3rd Jan 18, 11:23 PM
    • 25 Posts
    • 23 Thanks
    zarabelle
    I think it's unrealistic to have a massive list of attributes your future partner "must have" but a few core things can help narrow the playing field.

    There's the danger of being too picky or not picky enough. It's a waste of everyone's time if you know, deep down, that you don't want x, y or z in a partner but you decide to give them a go anyway - maybe the relationship lasts a few dates or maybe it limps on for a few months. Eventually, it'll end because there's always been that underlying issue. A lot of it is about self-awareness - you have hard limits and soft limits, so sort your potential partners accordingly.
    • dekaspace
    • By dekaspace 4th Jan 18, 1:05 AM
    • 4,437 Posts
    • 3,958 Thanks
    dekaspace
    As for responding to men, I used to always write back, even if it was a polite "thank you but I don't think we are suited", usually because the guy in question had completely ignored my preferences. More often than not, I got a stream of abuse for rejecting them.
    Originally posted by zarabelle
    I'd say its more how you worded it, for example from my own experience even when I was younger and skinnier and id even be pretty much word for word what the woman wanted I would get a rejection, the only times I would get annoyed is if they commented on my looks or weight etc, because they may of been larger than me by quite a margin, "average" looking and basically a over inflated perception of themselves.

    So if it was more like "you aren't what I was looking for in terms of apperance" I could write back "well you are hardly a model yourself" not that I remember doing so but I was blocked from 2 womens profiles after they were rude to me after I sent a polite response back after being rejected simply enquiring for feedback, I have a vague memory of one of them responding back and telling me off for responding back after she made it "clear" that she wanted nothing to do with me when I just wanted feedback for the future, and going on to claim I was harassing her at which point she insulted my apperance.

    (3 years later I went on and saw her profile still was on the website and she was still looking for a partner and her profile text had her complaining why she couldn't find anyone and no one gave her a chance)
    • Gavin83
    • By Gavin83 4th Jan 18, 1:33 AM
    • 5,161 Posts
    • 8,392 Thanks
    Gavin83
    When I was on Match.com, I was 25 and had set my age preferences to 25-35 for men. I also wanted someone with a similar level of education to me and, as I don't want children, I made it clear that I didn't want to date men with kids. I used to get a lot of guys messaging me who were 50+ or who had children. When I replied to them to say that I didn't think we were compatible, I'd then get a few nasty messages about my looks or accusing me of being stuck up or frigid. It happened a lot.
    Originally posted by zarabelle
    I believe dating is an area you can be as prejudice as you want. However saying that Iíve never understood the requirement for a certain educational level unless youíve got a particular interest in discussing uni life. It doesnít guarantee, or even really suggest anything although Iíd imagine people request it because they feel it means something.
    • zarabelle
    • By zarabelle 4th Jan 18, 8:53 AM
    • 25 Posts
    • 23 Thanks
    zarabelle
    I'd say its more how you worded it, for example from my own experience even when I was younger and skinnier and id even be pretty much word for word what the woman wanted I would get a rejection, the only times I would get annoyed is if they commented on my looks or weight etc, because they may of been larger than me by quite a margin, "average" looking and basically a over inflated perception of themselves.
    Originally posted by dekaspace
    I would use match.comís button system, which just generated a standard ďThank you for contacting me but I donít think we would be compatibleĒ type message. I would never comment on someoneís appearance, being larger than average myself.

    I also donít think asking for feedback is particularly helpful. Itís not a job interview and sometimes itís a gut reaction when we look at someoneís profile. You arenít what that person wants, surely thatís enough feedback, entering into a conversation about their preferences is pointless.
    • Oakdene
    • By Oakdene 4th Jan 18, 8:58 AM
    • 1,997 Posts
    • 7,359 Thanks
    Oakdene
    See I've heard mixed reviews about eHarmony so not willing to pay for it yet.
    Originally posted by mariposa687
    I met someone I was with for 3 & 1/2 years on eHarmony. However due to living in West Wales after a day or 2 it runs out of people to match me with locally so I am not finding suitable matches but they are 200 miles away
    Does dim arian 'da fi, ond breuddwydion 'da fi.

    Gwlad yr Ia & Columbia (no Welsh word for Columbia)
    • zarabelle
    • By zarabelle 4th Jan 18, 9:03 AM
    • 25 Posts
    • 23 Thanks
    zarabelle
    Education is very important to me. Apart from the three things I mentioned, I was pretty laid back about everything else.

    The problem with on line dating is that people take the rejection too seriously. For all the men getting upset about being rejected and asking for feedback, Iím sure they do their fair share of looking at profiles and going ďnopeĒ. Thereís a lot of choice and itís nothing personal.
    • PeacefulWaters
    • By PeacefulWaters 4th Jan 18, 9:22 AM
    • 8,318 Posts
    • 10,656 Thanks
    PeacefulWaters
    For what it's worth, online dating was an extraordinarily liberating experience for me. Much easier than chatting up somebody in bars I don't frequent or social circles I don't enjoy.

    I quickly learned to accept that no reply was simply "no thanks". While initially it hurt to get so many rejections I equated it to "Well there's no point pursuing her if my pictures and profile don't do it for her".

    Messaging in 1-2 paragraphs as an introduction, drawing out something of mutual interest from her profile. Avoid smut.

    Exchange 3-4 messages via the dating site. I'd suggest keeping it relaxed but not sexual. Suggest moving conversation to text or WhatsApp.

    Once that progression is made, suggest meeting up. My MO was walk round a lake and grab a coffee. Occasionally I'd be blanked at this point. Move on to the next - they've had time to think about you and decided it's not right. That's their prerogative.

    Once the first date is complete, gently go for the kiss. If she shows you the cheek it might not be good news! If she goes for the snog you hit the jackpot. A hug and a kiss on the lips is also promising.

    Message an hour or so later "I enjoyed that, did you get home ok?" - guage the response. Perhaps wait a day or two before suggesting the second date. Gives her the chance to suggest it first.

    Second date a meal out near her house. That way she can feel safe. That way she can invite you in for a coffee if she wants to. It gives her control.

    Third date? Within a week of second date. Cinema. Night in. Meal out. The world is your oyster. Once you hit date three the world is your oyster. She's into you. She wants to spend time with you.

    Well that's my theory. I've had lots of dates, a handful of second dates. Three relationships (two lasting just a few months) and a ridiculously fun evening with a ghosting Welsh woman.

    Everybody I met seemed genuinely nice. I think all were on the "I want a relationship" page, except for Welshy. My self-confidence grew considerably after being hammered by years in a bad marriage. Yes, many saw me once and didn't want to see me again. So be it. Some I didn't want to see again.

    OK Cupid, POF and Tinder were my freebies. Tinder took me to Wales.

    I've now been in a relationship for over a year with a wonderful lady I met on Match. The Topcashback rebate makes her particularly good value!
    • Fireflyaway
    • By Fireflyaway 4th Jan 18, 9:34 AM
    • 1,813 Posts
    • 1,963 Thanks
    Fireflyaway
    I didn't put a photo up at first which was interesting. It was refreshing to speak to guys who didn't even ask what I looked like. I did get a few nasty messages too. It was dating direct that I used.
    I see nothing wrong with the concept. At the time I was working long hours and wasn't into ' going out'. Went to the gym but really nowhere to meet people. Would probably still be single if I hadn't tried the online thing. That does mean you might meet more socially awkward people in my opinion as that's the reason for some people joining.
    Best part is its easier to discount anyone who you really don't want to progress with. In real life it might be harder to be blunt enough.
    • Gavin83
    • By Gavin83 4th Jan 18, 12:29 PM
    • 5,161 Posts
    • 8,392 Thanks
    Gavin83
    I also donít think asking for feedback is particularly helpful. Itís not a job interview and sometimes itís a gut reaction when we look at someoneís profile. You arenít what that person wants, surely thatís enough feedback, entering into a conversation about their preferences is pointless.
    Originally posted by zarabelle
    I agree with this. It's just an opportunity for someone to respond with "You're wrong about me, I fulfill this requirement you have because..." which isn't particularly helpful as it's unlikely to change your mind. There's also a chance it's a very fickle reason about something that's impossible to change and really, does the person truly want to hear "It's because your nose is too big". I doubt it.

    Besides you shouldn't be tailoring your profile for a particular respondent, your profile should represent you as truthfully as possible in order to actually find you the right match. If you start making stuff up or using photos that aren't accurate it'll just lead to disappointment in the future.

    Education is very important to me.
    Originally posted by zarabelle
    It is of course your choice but I'm curious as to why. What is it about someone having (I presume) at least a degree that's important to you? Also, if someone didn't have a degree but they were highly ambitious, intelligent, successful in their chosen career and was earning a high salary (lets assume six figures) would that override your educational requirement?
    • zarabelle
    • By zarabelle 4th Jan 18, 12:48 PM
    • 25 Posts
    • 23 Thanks
    zarabelle
    Hi Gavin,

    I work in Higher Education and I have a PhD. Most of my friends have PhDs too. It's a world I know a lot about, that's all. In the past, my level of education has been an issue for some guys and I wanted to avoid that too.

    Z
    • Gavin83
    • By Gavin83 4th Jan 18, 12:52 PM
    • 5,161 Posts
    • 8,392 Thanks
    Gavin83
    Hi Gavin,

    I work in Higher Education and I have a PhD. Most of my friends have PhDs too. It's a world I know a lot about, that's all. In the past, my level of education has been an issue for some guys and I wanted to avoid that too.

    Z
    Originally posted by zarabelle
    Fair enough, thanks for responding. Was curious.
    • AubreyMac
    • By AubreyMac 4th Jan 18, 1:04 PM
    • 1,397 Posts
    • 3,132 Thanks
    AubreyMac
    A colleague of mine (male) does not have a degree and he feels this holds him back in the dating world. He's changed his profile to say that he's got one. Let's see if that increases his matches.
    • dekaspace
    • By dekaspace 4th Jan 18, 1:57 PM
    • 4,437 Posts
    • 3,958 Thanks
    dekaspace
    I agree with this. It's just an opportunity for someone to respond with "You're wrong about me, I fulfill this requirement you have because..." which isn't particularly helpful as it's unlikely to change your mind. There's also a chance it's a very fickle reason about something that's impossible to change and really, does the person truly want to hear "It's because your nose is too big". I doubt it.

    Besides you shouldn't be tailoring your profile for a particular respondent, your profile should represent you as truthfully as possible in order to actually find you the right match. If you start making stuff up or using photos that aren't accurate it'll just lead to disappointment in the future.
    Originally posted by Gavin83
    That was actually a almost rude response, let me mention I have autism what I meant is because you assumed it was because I wanted to tailor it to people or because I thought they were wrong, if they didn't want to date me its their loss but if im rejected multiple times or don't hear back I would know something needs to be changed in the profile I did get feedback sometimes it was more often small things like they didn't find my profile appealing, one person did say my pictures made me look uncomfortable, a few said my profile came across as negative (I wrote about how I have overcome problems in life and now want to settle down) I took all that on board and rewrote profile, changed my pictures etc, some were strange but I respected them like a few times being told they thought I was a wonderful guy but they didn't date guys who were overweight, or I was over their age range etc.

    I would use match.comís button system, which just generated a standard ďThank you for contacting me but I donít think we would be compatibleĒ type message. I would never comment on someoneís appearance, being larger than average myself.

    I also donít think asking for feedback is particularly helpful. Itís not a job interview and sometimes itís a gut reaction when we look at someoneís profile. You arenít what that person wants, surely thatís enough feedback, entering into a conversation about their preferences is pointless.
    Originally posted by zarabelle
    I wasn't wanting a conversation, and if they never responded back it was fine, if however they responded back and were rude id get annoyed, I never once responded back saying things like how dare you it was "ok, I respect your opinion, would you mind giving me some pointers so I know what I did wrong?" Sure maybe not the best thing but better than making the same mistake again when sending out messages.

    Education is very important to me. Apart from the three things I mentioned, I was pretty laid back about everything else.

    The problem with on line dating is that people take the rejection too seriously. For all the men getting upset about being rejected and asking for feedback, Iím sure they do their fair share of looking at profiles and going ďnopeĒ. Thereís a lot of choice and itís nothing personal.
    Originally posted by zarabelle
    Who said I was upset about being rejected? No I was looking at pointers to make myself stand out in the future or see if it was something like my pictures or what I had written, did get some feedback like was told my profile was too negative so I reworded it.

    The only time I got upset and it was more annoyed was if I got a message specifically rejecting me due to my looks or being told im not good enough for them because they really were nowhere near perfect themselves one girl being very obese (I like curvy girls) and not working but telling me I wasn't physically her type (she wanted a skinny as a rake guy, and in a good job)

    Or I would get a bit upset in the sense that I felt they thought they were too good for me but those people I wouldnt ask for feedback. generally the only times I did were if I read the profile multiple times and I fit all their criteria, rather than if I decided to contact someone out of my league as they say and was knocked back as thats to be expected (and in case anyone mentions not saying im better than others by mentioning "leagues" just saying its more understandable if someone who is highly desirable has a lot of choice, rather than someone who mentions they have been single a long time, and don't get any contact from men on the site, and further not saying that means they should give me a chance or be attracted to me but the odds would be higher)
    • Gavin83
    • By Gavin83 4th Jan 18, 2:26 PM
    • 5,161 Posts
    • 8,392 Thanks
    Gavin83
    A colleague of mine (male) does not have a degree and he feels this holds him back in the dating world. He's changed his profile to say that he's got one. Let's see if that increases his matches.
    Originally posted by AubreyMac
    I assume most people who ask for someone to have a degree do so because they feel it suggests a certain level of income and it's more polite than writing "I want my partner to earn £X a year".

    That was actually a almost rude response, let me mention I have autism what I meant is because you assumed it was because I wanted to tailor it to people or because I thought they were wrong, if they didn't want to date me its their loss but if im rejected multiple times or don't hear back I would know something needs to be changed in the profile I did get feedback sometimes it was more often small things like they didn't find my profile appealing, one person did say my pictures made me look uncomfortable, a few said my profile came across as negative (I wrote about how I have overcome problems in life and now want to settle down) I took all that on board and rewrote profile, changed my pictures etc, some were strange but I respected them like a few times being told they thought I was a wonderful guy but they didn't date guys who were overweight, or I was over their age range etc.
    Originally posted by dekaspace
    Woah, one second, I really think you've misunderstood my post. It wasn't directed at you (hence me not quoting you) but just a general viewpoint. Your intentions might be pure and genuine but for others they won't be and I can understand some being cautious.

    However you've already expressed that if the reason is related to your looks, an opinion someone is perfectly entitled to have, you get upset. Therefore maybe it's best not to ask as while you say you appreciate honest feedback, if it's a little too honest you clearly don't like it. As zarabelle pointed out it's not a job interview, they don't have to remain professional or even particularly nice and can be as picky as they wish. Dating is (currently at least) one of the last areas of life someone can allow their prejudices to guide their decisions and be totally open about this.

    If someone wishes to chase a partner out of their league (as in your example) and it leads to them being eternally single that's their choice. I know several people who fit into this category.
    • zarabelle
    • By zarabelle 4th Jan 18, 2:41 PM
    • 25 Posts
    • 23 Thanks
    zarabelle
    It's difficult to judge tone when you are reading words on a screen.

    I do feel that my answer to the education thing disappointed Gavin as he wanted me to admit that I was a gold digger or something
    • AubreyMac
    • By AubreyMac 4th Jan 18, 2:52 PM
    • 1,397 Posts
    • 3,132 Thanks
    AubreyMac
    I assume most people who ask for someone to have a degree do so because they feel it suggests a certain level of income and it's more polite than writing "I want my partner to earn £X a year".
    Originally posted by Gavin83

    Possibly, but my initial thought would be that education was more indicative of class & intellect.


    Off topic in terms of dating but still in line with degrees - I've seen many job adverts where even a simply part time admin assistant role requires the applicant to be a graduate. I think this is to stop the chavviest of the chavs from applying (or forced to apply by the jobcentre).
    • dekaspace
    • By dekaspace 4th Jan 18, 2:54 PM
    • 4,437 Posts
    • 3,958 Thanks
    dekaspace
    I assume most people who ask for someone to have a degree do so because they feel it suggests a certain level of income and it's more polite than writing "I want my partner to earn £X a year".



    Woah, one second, I really think you've misunderstood my post. It wasn't directed at you (hence me not quoting you) but just a general viewpoint. Your intentions might be pure and genuine but for others they won't be and I can understand some being cautious.

    However you've already expressed that if the reason is related to your looks, an opinion someone is perfectly entitled to have, you get upset. Therefore maybe it's best not to ask as while you say you appreciate honest feedback, if it's a little too honest you clearly don't like it. As zarabelle pointed out it's not a job interview, they don't have to remain professional or even particularly nice and can be as picky as they wish. Dating is (currently at least) one of the last areas of life someone can allow their prejudices to guide their decisions and be totally open about this.

    If someone wishes to chase a partner out of their league (as in your example) and it leads to them being eternally single that's their choice. I know several people who fit into this category.
    Originally posted by Gavin83
    I don't have a problem say if I was too geeky, or they wanted a slim person, the only upset I get is being annoyed at their hypocricy which I wouldn't bring up to them as that would be rude unless specically they got back to me and insulted me whilst maybe even outright saying they were too good for me.

    At most its innocent curiosity if I fit everything they asked for, i.e they specfically asked for someone overweight, liked geeky guys with glasses, interested in say specific anime and video games which were niche and so on its interesting to know if I fit everything perfectly what I was rejected on as it could be as simple as not feeling it.
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