Money Moral Dilemma: Should I buy my friend a wedding gift?

MSE_Sarah · 24 November 2017 at 1:35PM

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

I'm a bridesmaid for one of my best friends this year. All the bridesmaids collectively agreed a budget for the hen party to keep things fair. For various reasons we have gone way over budget, but the bride also asked us to pay for our own dress alterations (£75+), shoes (£30+) and hair styling (£50+). Can I get away with not buying a wedding gift?

Unfortunately the MSE team can't always answer money moral dilemma questions as contributions are often emailed in or suggested in person. They are intended to be enjoyed as a point of debate and discussed at face value.

If you haven’t already, join the forum to reply!

[purplesignup][/purplesignup]

allisoninredditch · 28 November 2017 at 11:57PM

no its her wedding you shouldnt be paying for alterations very cheeky indeed

gloriouslyhappy · 29 November 2017 at 1:09AM

You say you've gone way over the agreed budget and on top of that, the bride has also asked you to pay another £150+ for dress alterations, shoes and hair styling. I think just going along with all that constitutes a wedding gift already so I'd be looking out for a nice card and maybe putting something personal together like a little photo album of the bride's 'journey' to the altar, you could include photos of the the hen party, for example.

Gissafreebe · 29 November 2017 at 7:52AM

Short answer is an absolute resounding YES. She will never ever forget or forgive you that you did not give her a wedding present. .... if you don't want to pay for alterations then don't and explain why. there may be another way round things

keithinfife · 29 November 2017 at 8:43AM

Hmmm....

On balance, I'd say you should, but not a big one (e.g. no more than £50.) It's not her fault that the hen party has gone way over budget - does she know? - but, on the other hand, she shouldn't be expecting you to pay for the dress alterations and hair styling if there is a certain way she wants it done.

iclayt · 29 November 2017 at 8:59AM

One of my best friends of over 25 years didn't get me a wedding present, because I think they felt they'd spent a lot on travel and accommodation to be there (although it was a total of 4 hours travelling for them and two nights in a travelodge). However, I was hurt not to get something from her. I didn't say anything, but I would have appreciated something homemade or perhaps a picture of the two of us, which were the sorts of things she'd make as presents for birthdays and Christmas. When it came to her own wedding I dithered for ages over whether to get her anything - despite her getting married in the middle of nowhere and us having 12 hours total driving time, all the petrol and £200 on accommodation, I found something small and personal I hoped she'd like. Maybe a small part of me wanted to make a point but ultimately she's my best friend and it felt wrong not to get her something, and just as wrong to make a fuss that she didn't get me something.

I think my point is if it's possible to get her something within a reasonable budget, do so, as she will remember that you didn't!

Pollycat · 29 November 2017 at 9:44AM

I think it's not so much a question of should you buy her a wedding present but more should she be asking you to pay for alterations to your bridesmaid dress and pay for your hair to be styled?

silvercar · 29 November 2017 at 10:26AM

Close enough to be asked to be a bridesmaid, close enough to buy a wedding present.

AylesburyDuck · 29 November 2017 at 10:30AM

Hair, i'd have been planning to get my hair done anyway for a wedding so no moaning on that one, shoes, well if they are matching shoes picked by her (she should pay), if shoes picked by you then your cost seeing as presumably you wouldnt have been going bare foot. Absolute total cheek getting you to pay for alterations. Big no!
However, seeing as that horse has already bolted, then yes, of course you still buy her a present, shes your best friend, it's what we do, presumably you want to remain her best friend.
As for the other lot, i'd have spoken up at the time of its unfairness, if it was indeed unfair.

tain · 29 November 2017 at 10:32AM

We had this at a friends wedding. My wife was a bridesmaid and had to pay for the exact things you've already mentioned. They went abroad for her hen do as well, which came to about £600+ we worked out. Then we needed to pay for travel and accommodation to their wedding.

On top of that, all the bridesmaids and close friends put in about £40 each to buy a joint bunch of gifts. We thought that was it, but apparently we should have also put money in their card like they asked. I seriously don't know where people get off.

Anyway, we figured it didn't matter as we were getting married the next year so they just shouldn't put money in our card, but they did. Even though they had to pay for nothing at all for our wedding (including free drinks the entire night), we still feel really guilty for not putting that money in the card, as they clearly expected it.

Depends if the ongoing guilt is worth £50 really.

michelle09 · 29 November 2017 at 10:32AM

I think it depends on you and your relationship with the bride. My best friend and I now live in different countries - and neither of us bought a wedding gift for the other. Instead, we bought flights and spent a week with each other before our respective weddings instead.

It has not changed our friendship at all, and I don't expect it to. But then, I didn't keep a track of who didn't send us a gift, just wrote thank you cards based on the gift cards. More important things to worry about in life than having friends that can afford fancy presents.

Money Moral Dilemma: Should I buy my friend a wedding gift?

Comments

Categories

Get our FREE Weekly email full of deals & guides - and it’s spam-free