Borderline, Author, Nerd, Vegan.

Olliegami · 13 September 2015 at 5:05PM

I've decided to start again.

Life feels like it has been one really long, never ending rollercoaster. As of RIGHT NOW, I'm laid in 'my' bed at the hostel I've been living in for the last four months. Three of those months I've been working here for my accommodation. I left the UK after my employer made me redundant, mostly due to absences because of my health and I made the executive (impulsive) decision to ditch the UK and do what I wanted to do.

I had a plan, I was going to be in the US for three months, travel all around Australia, go back to the US for 3 months, maybe go to New Zealand, Japan, anywhere I wanted.

Things happened, and I've learnt a lot about myself thanks to the health care provision here in Australia. I've been re-diagnosed as having Borderline Personality Disorder instead of a 'simple' diagnosis of depression. It came as a huge shock, because I'd been expecting to see this psychologist and have a course of CBT (as usual) but instead she told me she couldn't offer me the support that I needed.

After another visit to the GP we decided my stagnant life here wasn't beneficial to anyone. So, I've been trying hard to get the funds together to get home. I am stopping by my Mum's for 3 months, she lives in Alaska, and... I feel, especially with this diagnosis, that it would be important for me to spend time with her, especially as my Dad has flat out refused to let me live under his roof.

Anyway, I'm really excited about the prospect of getting things under control again. I love to be productive, and that's always easier when you start something for the first time again. I have about £8,000 of debt, thanks to impulse spending and things not too dissimilar, I have a new diagnosis that I believe is finally the right one, and I'll be looking for therapy as well as trying to get back on my own two feet. It's going to be tough, and I'm worried about the prospect of working full time again, but I will be trying the best I can.

I have a massive list of things I want to achieve. I've been in the middle of writing a book for years, and would love to have more time to spend on that. I'm also trying to find freelance work to get a steady income rolling, and once I'm back in the UK I'll be able to hit the survey sites harder than a tonne of bricks.

I'm excited about living with one of my friends who is also vegan. I recently made the decision to cut out animal products only a month ago, and I can already feel the physical benefits despite not eating a balanced diet! Money dictates how healthy you eat, really.

For now, my focus is on:

- Selling the stuff I don't need to bring home with me.
- Earning as much money as I can on G!ftHulk, Clixsense, etc.
- Making the most out of my last few days in Oz.

Bobarella · 13 September 2015 at 5:09PM

Good luck in your efforts to get home Ollie. Will sign up to the new diary now.

Olliegami · 13 September 2015 at 5:27PM

Thank you! It's starting to look very likely to happen sooner rather than later, which is good.

xx

crazy_cat_lady · 13 September 2015 at 5:58PM

Hey, I can stalk you over on this diary too

I think that the right diagnosis makes a world of difference... I was diagnosed with depression many years ago and got 'better' but I always seemed to lurch from one crisis to the next. Eventually I was diagnosed with general anxiety disorder - and once I knew what it was and got myself focussed on getting the right therapy things got lots better very quickly. It was a revelation to me because I'd always thought that my feelings were perfectly normal because I'd always had them. I still take some low dose medication just to help me keep perspective on things - I tried to stop and after a month I could feel myself starting to go downhill again. A good GP really makes the world of difference (and unfortunately mine has moved on so I've been putting off going back there). I hope that you are feeling similarly hopeful after your diagnosis and that you can get yourself on the right track once you're back in the UK. Just don't take no for an answer when you see a GP here.

determined_new_ms · 13 September 2015 at 9:38PM

Hi Oligami saw your diary and had to pop in to say hi! My daughter has bpd so understand how some of the symptoms effect suffers. Great news is now is the best time ever to get this diagnosis as so much is known about recovery and what therapy us effective. Sounds like you're in a good place to work on it. Nor sure how it effects you bit it is helpful to my dd to understand when she is triggered the feelings she is having aren't facts.

Good luck with the journey (dfw ) and the literal journey! X

Olliegami · 14 September 2015 at 12:12AM

It's wonderful to see you guys dropping in. =D

Cat Lady - I can totally relate to how it feels getting the 'right' diagnosis, and also being so sure that you know, what you were going through was 'normal'. I knew something was wrong, but every time I tried to talk to anyone about it, I guess I never said the 'right' combination of things to get the right diagnosis. It's difficult, you can't predict your moods, I think when I went to the psychiatrist in the UK some 8 years ago I was in a 'good' frame of mind and so it was harder to talk about what I go through usually??

Now I know what I need, and what I have to do to get there I'll be fighting for myself.

DNM - It feels like a celeb just walked into my blog! Haha. Thanks for commenting. At the moment it's a huge relief to hear people understand the disorder. I've been trying to explain it to my Mum, and as hard as she's trying to understand I really don't think she gets it for whatever reason. She tries so hard, but at the moment she just keeps giving me the 'answers' to problems when I explain a situation to her. I understand that she's just trying to help, but there's only so many times I can tolerate being told what I already know, and then experiencing that frustration of believing that she really think I don't know how I'm 'supposed' to act.

I'm hoping therapy for it is available where I'm living, no point worrying about it too much until I get there though!

xx

determined_new_ms · 14 September 2015 at 6:19AM

There are some really good resources available for your mum on bpdfamily.org if she wants to understand, particularly the resources around communication are excellent. Was such a turning point for me with my dd when I started to understand ways to communicate with her both when she is upset but also just generally. I learnt, thankfully, that keep telling my dd how to act, be, what to do was actually making her feel worse and inadequate. Sometimes it is hard for a loved ones to see a situation through the eyes of the person with bpd. But what I have found helpful is just trying to understand even if I don't understand her perspective, I do understand she is distressed and love her.

Also Valerie Porr's "Stop walking on eggshells" is a fantasticly insightful and factual book for people who have a loved one with bpd. Has lots of resources around communication also, written with such a compassionate approach.

Anyway that's my 2 pence worth! I think you must be so incredibly brave to be suffering bpd and to have decided to travel the world :beer:

Olliegami · 14 September 2015 at 8:19AM

Thank you so much for the advice. I don't want to shove it at her, I don't think it helps but maybe I'll see if I can get hold of a copy of that book somewhere online.

I know she wants to help, and she gets so upset with herself if she makes me cry and-- yeah, I'm sure you know the cycle. I'll suggest the book and the website.

Thanks for your thoughts. It was a pretty impulsive decision, but sometimes I think they're the only type of decisions I make else I'll talk myself out of it. I love travelling! I'm not sure what I would do without the chance.

AspiringButAnxious · 14 September 2015 at 10:46AM

Hola! Definitely send your mum a few links and/or the book. It can also be a good idea to spell out what you DO find helpful in terms of support. For example, I told my mum I really appreciate practical help, like her getting my prescription and making meals when I slip into depression (to make things even more complicated, I have anxiety and depression as well as BPD — though both are really common comorbidities with BPD). It can also help to explain how you need different help when you're in different frames of mind, eg when I'm feeling flat and depressed, I need empathy more than encouragement, whereas if I'm stressed and anxious I need encouragement and help to actually take action of some sort.

Anyhoo, I've got to head out with the dogs now, but just wanted to say I'm looking forward to following your diary

Olliegami · 17 September 2015 at 5:07AM

I'm full of sighing and whining today.

Went to see the GP yesterday and he said to focus my attention on getting to Alaska to visit my Mum. I'll be there for about 3 months, give or take. I'm really lucky that my Step-Dad is going to help me get flights, or rather - completely pay for them. I'm not sure what I would do other wise.

I just need to wait, he's out on some expedition thing at the moment, but I think the waiting is stressing me out when I should be enjoying my last few days in Melbourne. That's not easy in itself when there's so much going on here that I need to sort out.

My biggest concern is a payment that's coming out of my Australian bank tomorrow. I didn't realise until I checked my account today, and called the place where the money is going to. They can't do anything to stop the payment, so I'm on reddit at the moment to try and get $30 in my account before tomorrow.

I'm also struggling to find the funds for a few things that I will NEED. My GP managed to get me 3 months of my medication on one script, but I still need to have money to buy it in the first place. I'll also need to pay for transport to the airport when I get my flights.

Food, thankfully isn't as much of a worry. I'm living mostly on staples that people have left behind at the hostel which is a blessing, to be honest. I have enough groceries to last a while, that's for sure!

I'm just feeling pretty... 'blank' at the moment.

determined_new_ms · 17 September 2015 at 7:12AM

Hi Olliegami! Hope you manage to get that $30 together today!

That's wicked that your step father is going to pay for your flight! I would say try not to fret about it, but I know that's easier said than done.

What's the weather like there? It's the depths of winter here! x

Borderline, Author, Nerd, Vegan.

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