Not committed to relationship

durham05

Hi, I understand the bit about wanting to be married, I never wanted to get married when I was younger, but as i got older it was what I wanted, when I first met my oh, he didn't want to get married, but did want to stay with me, anyway five more years down the line we are now married.
And if you do leave him you may find somebody else who is just as happy to live together, and not want to be married.

Bitsy_Beans

You haven't mentioned why he doesn't want to get married? Has he done so once before? Has he been put off by seeing parents/relatives who have been married and not being happy?
You really need to sit down and find out where exactly you stand. My H and I were engaged for 7 years and although I didn't want to pin him down to an exact date he used to give me vague answers like wanting to wait til he felt the time was right. Looking back now he's admitted he can't see what he was waiting for but I found this really frustrating at the time. If this is something that is so important to you just bear in mind what possible resentment it could cause in the future.
Marriage isn't a safety net but for me that's not why I wanted to get married. Everyone has their own reasons for wanting to do so but wanting him to show futher commitment does sound as though you are worried about him doing a runner or something. this could happen whether you get married or not.
I really hope you manage to sort this out. Compromise on your part may be required but left to fester this can grow into huge resentment on both sides.

G-G_4

I am not bothered about ever getting married really.. I think that comes from my mum & dad splitting up when I was 12, and then mum and step-dad splitting up last year. My mum was married to them both, and that didn't save it when it went bad.

I just think marriage doesn't really mean anything, apart from the few who take their vows seriously and are maybe religious too.

I would like to think that the vows you take upon marriage are already there if it is a good and solid relationship, the need to say them infront of the eyes of God are totally irrelevant, especially if you arn't religious.

LillyJ

I have been with my OH 7 and a half years but we are still only 23 and 24. However we live together (for last 3 years) and have just bought a house together (which in my eyes is as big a commitment as marriage!)
I really want to get married (or at least engaged with a date set in the future) but my OH wants to wait as he has it in his head that he wouldn't get married till he was 26 (for some unknown reason!).
It is a bit of a joke between us now, but I know we will get married eventually. He was even telling me the other day that he was looking at a shop where Police officers got discounts on engagement rings
I think that may be the problem with you, is that you feel he never wants to get married?

Just think why you want to be married so much? My parents only got married cos my grandparents said they had to if they wanted to live together. They are still together 26 years on, and they maintain they would have been together still if they hadn't been married.

My OH's parents are also married and have been for nearly 30 years. However both sides of parents think marriage is really just a bit of paper, and it isn't the reason they are still together.

MrsTinks

My parents got divorces when I was young, my dad went on to re-marry and divorce twice more. He's now married to number 5 (he was married before he married my mum) - and yet marriage was something I ALWAYS knew I wanted. It is one thing I knew I was never going to be able to "do without" forever. Same as some people know they never want to marry, I knew I one day would be. My best friend and I dated for a while before we settled for "mates" mainly because he never wants to get married and have kids, I always knew I wanted both those. I didn't want to try and change him so we decided that we'd settle for having a great friend instead. He's now with someone who wants marriage and kids too and I can see this ending in tears soon - she's quite a lot younger than him and still thinks she can "change" him... He's more ademant than ever NOT to have kids or get married.
The question I guess is if he'll ever feel able to settle - like my friend it's not like he doesn't love his girlfriend, he just doesn't want to marry or have kids. If it is so important to you to be married then it might just be that you're not going to be able to revolve this. You could string it out and eventually become unhappy and bitter, or you can split whilst you're still friends. That choice however has to be entirely yours and I'd advise that you and your partner sit down and talk about why these things are so important to both of you...

Happy to say I found my soulmate and we're now happily married (6 weeks )

belfastgirl23

To be honest I think marriage is overrated as a form of commitment. To me, getting a joint mortgage says more in some ways.

Marriage does make a lot of the legal stuff more straightforward though. And I do think if you're planning to have children again being married is a good idea (though not essential!).

I guess I want to know too though why it is you want it so much? He's obviously committed to you, do you think somehwo that the feelings of insecurity go away just cos you have a ring on your finger?

angel81uk

I know of lots of men who are against the idea of marriage as it's all a little too legally binding for their tastes especially when they hear of friends/family losing money in divorces and the bitterness it can cause. Perhaps you could come to a compromise of sorts and suggest a humanist wedding/commitment ceremony? You're still make a commitment to each other and have the big day etc but it's not recognised as being a legal marriage. That way you get all the important bits of marriage (the making a lifetime commitment, you can change your name to Mrs X etc) without a lot of the stuff that makes some men want to run a mile. And who knows, if he agrees to that and things go well he might even agree to making it legally binding at a later date.

If a non legally binding marriage isn't a compromise you're willing to make though I think you need to look at your reasons for wanting to get married

sarymclary

My parents have been married for 60 years. My DH's parents married for 45 years. We were married 12 years before we separated, however we were both very keen to get married to begin with, and were engaged after dating for 14 days! We'd have remained married had it not been for DH's personal problems.

My BF has been in 2 previous long term relationships (10 & 9 yrs), but in neither of them did he either want to be married, or consider he would marry. He didn't feel the need to make that kind of commitment, and in truth realised after the first few years that they would be unlikely to last the distance.

I really enjoyed being married, and everything that kind of commitment meant to me. However, my BF and I have been together almost 6 years now, and I couldn't care whether we married or not - I know it's no guarantee to a long happy relationship, and things seem find just as they are. Personally, I can't imagine being a middle aged bride - for me it just would seem wrong. I was a bright, shiny 24 when I married, and it felt right then.

The only thing is that my BF has talked about when we will be married, and says he knows that I am the person he will grow old with, so for the first time ever has allowed him those thoughts, and dreams. It's a bit of a role reversal now, because he was under pressure from his ex's to make the commitment.

I have been very open with my BF about not feeling the need to marry again, but am very happy to make a commitment of living together (we don't yet), and all that brings with it.

Just thought you'd like another perspective, but also, to realise that a long term relationship can continue when one person doesn't have lifelong plans for it to prevail.

Out of interest, you've been together 12 years now, so can you imagine being together but unmarried in another 12? Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years? Do you have children, or plans for any?

From a legal perspective, if a wedding is out of the question, I would certainly ensure your finances are all properly tied up together, so that if either of you change your mind, each of you have your financial interests protected. As a 'common law' wife, you have very few legal rights over anything in his name, and you could stay together 40 years before he left, and still have no rights. A wife of a few weeks would have more rights than you. Just a thought, sorry to end a bit negatively!

CB1979_2

change your surname then job done.

that's the only thing that'll change if you get married (apart from spending money on one day for loads of "friends" & relatives - most of which you wouldn't have seen since the last funeral/wedding - getting fed & lashed at your expense)

12 years together and you want commitment? lol

seriously ask him if he doesn't want the "do" would he mind if you changed your name and put a ring on your finger

melancholly

it's not just about the name change though. for a lot of people it's about a public declaration of the commitment - and i fully understand that, even if it's nto something that everyone needs. it also still gives a lot of legal security that you don't get without it (e.g. pension entitlement).