Not committed to relationship

CB1979_2

but it's not about the money or public declaration.

she wants "commitment", i think 12 years is pretty commited to be honest, and a marriage certificate, pension entitlement & a public declaration ain't gonna make him any more commited than if 1 day he decides he's had enough and wants out he'll just go.

bryanb

I was against marriage for the first 26 years of our relationship ( I had previously been married, 11 years, 2 children) We each maintained our own bank accounts etc. Each owned half of our home (paid cash from previous homes) I became pensionable last year and it was to our (financial) advantage to marry. We did but my wife was reluctant by then.( her first time) We are now happily married but feel no different for it. It was the commitment over the years that gave us our security. My new wife has a reasonable relationship with my old wife, a great relationship with my daughters, a fabulous relationship with our grandchildren (strictly step...etc) This may not work for everyone but we feel that we have stayed together because we wanted to, rather than for all the reasons people often quote.

dawn2dusk

Bitsy_Beans wrote: »

You haven't mentioned why he doesn't want to get married? Has he done so once before? Has he been put off by seeing parents/relatives who have been married and not being happy?
You really need to sit down and find out where exactly you stand. My H and I were engaged for 7 years and although I didn't want to pin him down to an exact date he used to give me vague answers like wanting to wait til he felt the time was right. Looking back now he's admitted he can't see what he was waiting for but I found this really frustrating at the time. If this is something that is so important to you just bear in mind what possible resentment it could cause in the future.
Marriage isn't a safety net but for me that's not why I wanted to get married. Everyone has their own reasons for wanting to do so but wanting him to show futher commitment does sound as though you are worried about him doing a runner or something. this could happen whether you get married or not.
I really hope you manage to sort this out. Compromise on your part may be required but left to fester this can grow into huge resentment on both sides.

Yes he has been married before,a very messy and acrimonius divorce. And quite a few divorces in his family. I am in my 40s and children all grown up and his are as well. Yes we do have plans for the future.
Belfastgirl, i think you may be right,my feelings of insecurity are what i should be dealing with.
Congratulations Mrs Tine.

CB1979_2

well there you have it you've answered it.

1 rank divorce already (assuming he was happy at some point)

also assuming (but may be wrong to) that you have been married and divorced as well.

he probably feels it's not worth it, it's not like he thinks of you any less than his ex wife, but assuming he was happy at one point with her, it obviously didn't work out well, so thinks sod that IF it happens again.

and i honestly don't think anyone can give a 100% we'll stay together forever guarantee, so he probably doesn't want that.

the only real purpose of marriage nowadays in my opinion is for everyone to have the same name (mainly for the kids to avoid confusion of why they have a different name to mum or dad).

I'm not slating marriage, but unfortunately don't see the big importance that it once was.

starbump

There's nothing wrong with wanting to get married. It's quite normal!

I find it's easier to accept things if you feel it is your choice rather than having no control. Tell him you don't need to get married now but you need to know if he would ever marry you in the future. That way he isn't pressured but also you can then decide if you are happy to stay with him without getting married. It will feel more like "your" choice (to not get married) and may make you feel a lot happier about the situation.

Do make it clear that it's not an ultimatum - you're just asking if he'd change his mind in the future. It's the difference between not getting married now and never getting married in the future. If marriage is important to you, he should allow you to make an informed decision over whether to stay with him knowing you'll never marry him.

(Btw, off topic, but if you stay with him and don't get married then don't forget to make wills!)

scottishchick27

My OH has been married before when he was 19, he's 36 now. It didn't work out with his ex-wife. We have been together 10 years and have a DD of 6, planning another one soon. He has always said he wouldn't get married again and it hasn't really bothered me. We have been engaged for 6 years and I have now changed my surname so it's the same as DD. Now and again I think about marriage but the thought of some of his family being there and the expense puts me off. DD is now starting to ask questions about why we aren't married but I've heard of a lot of couples who have been together for years, get married and then split up.. Don't want to take the chance.

belfastgirl23

Sorry dawn2dusk I realised my post above was a bit curt - having struggled a bit with feeling insecure myself I've been forced to realise that feeling secure actually comes more from me accepting that DH loves me than from anything he does or doesn't do if that makes sense. Being married doesn't really make that much of a difference to those feelings, esp if you've seen divorce close up...

dawn2dusk

Belfastgirl, you did not come across as curt. What you said made a lot of sense to me. Thanks