Has my partner ruined our future?

basketcase

Hi jojo!

I'm always a bit wary of Email - it can easily be misunderstood or interpreted in a way that wasn't intended. I think that there are 2 potential questions being asked here and I think some are answering one and some the other.

I gather that at the moment your finances are separate. You only seem to be linked by the fact that he's named you as a contact on a form. NOT the same as being named as a guarantor and he possibly didn't even think to tell you because it was just like a 'next of kin' section, but it's rung alarm bells with many because of past experiences that started 'innocently' and escalated.

Option 1 If you mean "has he ruined our financial future?"
Not at present and if - as lula-hula says - it's a one-off blip and he gets his act together, you'll be OK. BUT he does need to sort it out with the support you're obviously willing to give. If he realises he can't go on that way and changes, that's fine. However, you've received good advice about keeping things separate until he's demonstrated that he can and will do this.

Option 2 If you mean "has he ruined our future together?"
I think this is the question that DD was answering. He may not have phrased it in a fashion you can accept (and it was a bit harshly put DD!), but I can see where he's coming from.

We can only go by the words you put and several people have picked up on the fact that you used phrases like "I found out", "I suspected it was debt" and so on. This implies that you didn't know, because your OH at best hadn't told you and at worst had deliberately lied to keep you in ingorance. (We weren't told which). Don't misunderstand, there may be many good reasons for this: pride, fear of losing your respect, not knowing how to tell you etc BUT... As I and many others know from bitter experience, a future with a foundation of guesswork and secrets is very shaky indeed and can send you crashing in a moment.

This may not be the case with you and we all - DD included, I should think - would hope it isn't. Now may be the time you sort it all out, OH gets rid of his debt and your relationship gets onto a stronger and more open footing. I certainly hope so - but weigh the advice you've been given, find out OH's motives for not telling you (taking into account the way he didn't tell you - concealment can be vastly different from actual lying) and attitude to the debt he has and act accordingly.

kimlisa66

Reading this thread with interest, and have to say, I am with DD on this. I admire someone with the Kahuna's to say what he really thinks, even if its uncomfortable for the other party. That's life sadly, not always a bed of roses and you do encounter some prickly thorns now and again :-)

If you are not prepared for the answer, don't ask the question.

Your OH has acted in a secretive and duplicitous manner, it makes me think what else has he been hiding from you ? From previous recent experience, its never one thing, you keep chipping away and uncover more and more 'anomalies' that soon add up to the beginnings of a nightmare.

I hope I am wrong, but I don't think so. He obviously put some thought and pre-planning into this, and caused you enough upset to consider that your future, financial or otherwise may be ruined, however you word it and that you sought to counsel the opinions of others. You may not like all of the responses but at least its given you some food for thought on how best to tackle the two problems you have found yourself with.

Good luck and I do hope you are able to move on from this in a positive direction.

learning_to_drive

DD,

I agree with what you say in principle, but it's always easier to advise someone on their relationship when you haven't got an emotional investment in it, 4 years is a long time and she loves him and they live together. It's not just as easy to say "you made a mistake" I'm outta here.

Remember, it's not always what you say, it's more how you say it. Rings truer on an internet forum where things can be misunderstood all the more.

Tough love obviously worked for the lady you mention, but its not a one size fits all approach. Remember debt is a scary thing and it has caused people to consider taking their own lives and some actually doing so because the burden of debt was so bad.

Just think before you post.

rosemahairy

i too have loans with welcome finance. their interest is whopping to say the least. i too got into financial difficulty with them. What you need to do is firstly contact them (or your fella) get a statement of what is owing and what constitutes the balance. Make an arrangement with them to pay off the balance on what you can afford. If they get funny about this the citizens advice bureau can help set up this arrnagement. Once this is in place and the immediate threat out of the way its worth looking into welcome finance as i found they had missold a load of ppi on my loans most i didnt know i even had and were actually no use on my typr of job. It could mean the potential of claiming some money back. see the templates on the main page of this sit eon reclaiming ppi. The ppi on my loan that was about £3000 was about £1250!!!! I have gone through welcomes own grievence procedure and now it lies in the hands of the ombudsman fingers crossed. if i can help further let me know i have dealt a lot with Welcome finance or should i say unwelcome finance lol. ps dont ignore the letters they dont go away make an offer of payment what u can afford (or your fella should i say)

Debt_Collector!

Its easy to tar everyone in debt with the same brush, as dishonest and devious.

Its true relationships are built on trust but having this debt doesn't always mean people are devious. Debt can happen for all kinds of reasons, who has 100% control of their life? I ran debts up when my successful business started to struggle, foolish as it all seems now I just expected something to turn up work-wise because it always had, 5 years on I've stopped waiting and started looking.

I for one am not alone in hiding the problem from myself, like an alcoholic how can you admit this to anyone until you've accepted this yourself?

My girlfriend (now fiancee) has helped me face my demons and more importantly take action! My debts were £35k+ and really would never be paid unless I did something else, my business still made money just not enough so I've added services to carry my eggs in more than 1 basket. I may never reach the dizzy height of my hay day (I once earned £35k in one month and drove a brand new Porsche) but I will be out of debt, I won't have dragged my partner down, I wont have cheated on her or kept secrets from her either.

Support is a funny word and can mean several things. My advice is not to give the 'ohh you poor thing' support, this ISN"T support and will compound the problem. My partner has never allowed me to feel sorry for myself or blame others and forced me to take charge which I have and almost doubled my income in 2 years.

I am the one in the relationship with the debt and not the supportive partner but have been on the other side of this (part of my problem) so can speak from both sides, so long as the person faces this head on and stops being an ostritch it can work if not run a mile or prepare to be unhappy! Money might not buy happiness but debt sure as he11 buys misery!

jojo2201

Sorry I can't reply to everyone's questions, only have access to internet at work and don't always have time to read and reply, wouldn't do me much good if I got myself sacked in the process of trying to sort out money worries!

At the time I started this thread I thought my bf had realised he has to get a grip of his problem but he has yet to find out who the debt collectors and how much he actually owes, they called him Tuesday but he missed the call and we've both been repeatedly trying to call them back since then but it comes up as busy. I've asked him to call Welcome Finance to find out who the debt collectors are but he refuses to, I think he's scared of facing up to it. If it continues make no mistake, 4 years or not, I will be leaving him. As I said before I'm not an idiot. I came on here to see if there was a way he could get out of the mess he's in but if he won't help himself I cannot and will not do it for him.

Hopefully he'll do something soon and I can put to use some of the helpful advice a lot of you have given me, otherwise I'll be putting to use the useful advice DD has given me. Which reminds me, DD - you're not Scottish are you? You sound so much like my dad!!! If you are, god help me cos if he knew what was going on he'd kill me!!

Waspeze

If you have a number for the dca you could try putting it in
http://whocallsme.com/default.aspx to find out who they are?

jojo2201

I tried to google it and it came up that someone had already put it in there with no success, the number's 02079804500, if anyone has any idea?

In_Search_Of_Me

Good for you jojo! I think you have the right approach - support him if he will take resp but dont of he wont! Hope he does! From experience I can confirm that buring your head in the sand doesent help - just delays the inevitable although in his case the inevitable is now and he cannot ignore it. I would get him to find out how much the debt is, list his income/outgoings & get hold of one of the free debt agencies and hopefully be able to sort out a DMP or simular. Good luck to you both in this...

For dear old DD, no you are not old fasioned in believing that trust & honesty are all important in a relationships (or if you are then I am too!) but I would also say that allowing people to make mistakes is important as well, providing they take responsibility & fess up but that is ME and who am I to tell someone who i dont know not at all (except from a couple of posts) how to run their life? In my book you can say so much & advise as a good/true friend and then step back. If it all goes pear shaped then I hope I will be the one helping to pick up the pieces when it all goes wrong rather than being on the sidelines & saying I told you so.
I know from my experience that the people who knew I was going wrong, told me (& I ignored them at the time, as so many do, because I just couldnt see it!) and then stuck with me when I was despairing when I realised what I had done. These are the people I would do ANYTHING (well within legal limits) for and I thank God that they were there for me, despite my own stupidity because I really dont know where I would be now if it wasnt for them.

In_Search_Of_Me

oops crossed posts - could it be McKenzie Hall? If you do a google search for welcome finance debt they come up alot but they may use other agencies. He could just ring WF & ask who the debt has been sold to or get a copy of his credit file which he will need anyway to know whats what! When he knows then people can give accurate advice to help but if he is not prepared to chase this up then I think there is little you can do really....