Has my partner ruined our future?

Poosmate

jojo2201 wrote: »

Guys, I was looking for debt help not for you to criticise my relationship, I'm sure everyone with debt on here is an absolute angel and got into debt through no fault of their own!

Jojo is right, she is asking for advice about debt. We don't know how she feels about her boyfriend. If she is prepared to love him, love his debt that is her prerogative. I only hope that this is a one off on the boyfriends part and that, with Jojo's help and guidance he wil find himself back on the straight and narrow and be able to act more responsibly in the future regarding his finaces and more importantly their finances when they get through this.

Remember, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, so if Jojo gives her support and help hopefully it will make their relationship stronger. I just urge you to be careful as, in my case, help and support can seriously backfire.

As I said before, I wish you all the luck in trying to sort out your partner's debt problem.

Poo

Lucy1982_2

And at the end of the day there may be a very good reason why he hasn't said anything.

Like he is trying to save Jojo the stress, he doesn't want her to worry etc. There are may reasons.

Good luck to you!

kate705

Hi Jojo,

Good luck with this but I do agree with Poo, (so sorry to hear of your trouble poo).

My mother met a man and lived with him for a number of years. She was 71 and he was a few years younger. She had a house (no mortgage) he had no assets at all. Sadly she had a breakdown and was admitted into hospital, when she came out he persuaded her to take out loans with Ocean Finance and put up the house as security. A year later he got her to sign over more loans against the house to pay off all his credit cards. He then met another woman on the internet and whilst planning to leave got one last loan against my mums house.
He left her in £44,000 debt.
It went to the financial ombudsman and despite psychiatrists reports showing how ill she was, the ruling went for Ocean Finance. They added on roughly another £15,000 to the total!
She now has a lifetime mortgage through equity release.

Sorry for rambling but you would not believe the many problems this b*****d caused with his reckless spending. (sorry everyone!)

Do not ever join this man in any financial commitments until he has sorted himself out. Obviously your case is very different to my mother's but you would be surprised at how easy it is to trust someone with money when you love them.
Kate xx

kate705

Jojo,

Please don't be offended by some of the strong replies you have received here. people are trying to warn you of what may happen in the future if this continues.
Please post again x

angeldiva

Wishing you lots of luck Jojo im sure you will get it all sorted

Poosmate....wow, what a wonderful and heartfelt testimony I hope it touches someone out there reading your post before its too late for them. You are amazing and well done for having the strength to move on from this man...Lots of luck for you too, im so glad you are slowly getting out of debt. Wishing you an amazing future relationship

Poosmate

Aww thanks Kate and Angel.

I am well shot of my bad other half and I console myself in the fact that my daughter was always and always will be my daughter and was never tainted by him.

As for Jojo's other half, bad things happen to good people and people do make mistakes (I've made enough myself! lol).

From Jojo's last post, sounds like she's sticking with her man and only she can decide if he's worth it. All we can do is offer her support and advice in whatever she decides and respect her decision.

I guess most of us know someone who's been "done over" by their OH's but regulars of this thread will also know that couples have hidden debts from their OH's but they get through it together.

Yes, my knee-jerk reaction to Jojo's post was to say run, run as fast as you can away from this guy, but that is contrary to almost everyone's advice to a married couple in similar situations where they are advised to talk about it and work together on it. Are we then guilty of invalidating their relationship because they don't live together? Do we see them as less of a couple? Being bf/gf is how we all start our relationships (or bf/bf-gf/gf just to be pc).

Anyway, Jojo, please come back and we will try to help.

Poo

P.S. Kate, I'm sorry your mother has gone through such an awful time. I'm lost for words. I don't know anything about equity release so couldn't even offer any advice either. I hope she can recover from her experience with this deceitful man. Take care and look after each other.

Poo

Cleosmum

Welcome finance use the Lewis Group to collect but I think it might be an idea for your boyfriend to request a true copy of his CCA, never hurts You can find some very good template letters on consumer action group. Make sure you send the £1 fee by postal order and make sure it goes recorded. Good luck!

Tigger1983

Hey Jojo, welcome to DFW

I'm sure DD didn't mean to upset you. I'm not one to judge either way, myself and OH are engaged after 6 months together, and all of the debt is mine from before he came along. Without his help and support I'd have folded under the pressure already, so if it's for keeps it's for keeps. If you love him stick by him...you're taking the right steps coming on here.

However, it's more the secrecy than the debt I would be worried about. I have always been honest with OH about my cr*ppy situation, and he appreciates that. If OH had been honest with you that wouldn't be so bad, but please be careful before signing any joint accounts etc with him.

On the other hand, my credit rating is better than OH (due to job and never having defaulted) and when we were first renting we struggled to get a joint one (they were happy to give me the contract, despite there being no way I could afford it on my own, but wouldn't with him and his wage taken into account :rotfl: ).

Sit him down and try to get it all out in the open before you make any decisions.

Good luck

Tig xx

jojo2201

First of all thanks to everyone for their suggestions and well wishes, they’ve been a great help and as a result I’ve told my bf to make an appointment with Citizens Advice to see where he stands and what to do next.

Secondly, I think I came across as a bit of a fool in my first post but believe me I’m not, I know my bf has been extremely stupid and he should never have kept it from me, there have been many arguments about that! I’d like to point out that we’ve been together almost 4 years, I knew he took out the loan and I guess I knew deep down he’d defaulted on the payments, we just didn’t talk about it because I hoped he’d sort out his own problems but now I’ve accepted it’s something he can’t do, he’s stood by me through a lot and if I have to help him through this then so be it, I’m not running away from this relationship because he’s made one big mistake.

Oh and we actually already live together, but it’s a friends place we live in so no signed lease, so makes running away slightly more difficult!

newsgroup_monkey

I'm terrible with money and I have habit of running away from debts (well, I have in the past).

My ex-wife is far far worse with money (she just cannot stop spending), but she appears to make the debts manageable (she gets unofficial DMPs and then goes getting credit from somewhere else). With 110% mortgage, it's going to come crashing around her eventually.

Why would that make me a bad person? I try not to lie about anything (except money), I'm honest and I'm not an unfaithful person (unlike many people on another forum that I was reading). I work hard and I try not to be selfish.

I'm now almost debt-free (well, OK, I have £1k on my CC at the moment, but I'm paying it off quickly) and I have a bit of money coming my way this month so I'll have savings again (I've never saved in my whole life for anything I really wanted until this year when I saved £2 for a holiday!).

Some people are great with money and some people aren't. It doesn't make you a bad person. Foolish maybe.