Has my partner ruined our future?

GeorgeUK

Hi Jojo - glad we didn't scare you off.

There are a few things that your bf may be able to do if he is defaulting on the payments, but has he said if the debt has been passed to a debt collector yet?

Billy-no-Money

I'm with newsgroup-monkey on this.

I've always been bad with money, the last time I was debt free I'd have been 18 - so 25 years ago!

In my first marriage my wife took away my independence thinking it would help me control my spending - so I never had cash for instance. I felt so oppressed and condemned that I just found ways round it.

Now in my second marriage (8 years living together) my new wife is altogether more supportive. She's never had debt, but doesn't condemn me for my foolishness. She did trust me when I said I was coping, but inflation and interest rate pressures last year meant I had to come totally clean - and she's supported me ever since, turning my financial supertanker away from the rocks. I'd never lied to her, but I'd kept the whole horrific truth from her to save her worrying.

Support him, don't condemn. But keep your financial ties loose until he's proved he can and will budget - in my case it took six months, then I could show my wife the new me!

Billy-no-Money

Dithering Dad.

If you can only manage sarcasm then I suggest you don't bother posting.

[EDIT: judging by your other posts you don't make a habit of writing like this so why do you feel the need to be so offensive here? You are making judgements about people including me which are not justified. I may be new here but that doesn't mean you can abuse me]

Singsalsing

Hi Jojo

Lots of couples keep secrets about money and debt. It is nothing new and you are not alone.
Personally, I felt stupid admitting to my partner how much debt we had! But now we are working together to sort it all out, live on a budget and work hard to try and increase our income. We are on a new path and I actually feel we have become closer through all of this.
Don't panic, Don't worry and please stay calm.
Gather all the information you can from this site and then sit down and talk to your boyfriend calmly.
There is no point laying blame and fighting. Work together and everything will work out fine.

Singsalsing

Billy-no-Money

Dithering Dad - where does 'fast dragging down another' come into it?
How do you know what my debt levels were before I re-married?

Think about it:
a) A very acrimonious divorce
b) Colon cancer, which didn't exactly help me plan for the long term


In case you haven't noticed I am reducing my debts, I have never defaulted, I haven't gone looking for an IVA / DMP / Bankruptcy, and I AM PROUD TO BE DEALING WITH MY DEBTS.

You make me sound like an irresponsible lout when I am a hard-working father who is very much loved, utterly honest and totally trustworthy. Sorry if I don't fit into your stereotypes. There is an implication in your post that I fit into the 'liars and users' category. Is it any wonder I am offended?


Oh yes - where did I 'blame my first wife'? I didn't - I take full responsibility, I was merely trying to show that support works better than condemnation for some people. But that's too subtle for you.

newsgroup_monkey

I'm not sure that that's particular helpful DD. In fact, I think that it's very rude and opinionated. If it was my daughter, rather than getting uppity about it, I would rather give her support. Support and advice can be very different things (especially when yours is clearly so opinionated).

If the OP was asking what to do because her OH kept breaking her jaw or cheating on her, then I personally would have a slightly different attitude. If this person went out to seriously defraud her (like someone I knew - her OH stole all her money, remortgaged in her name only and stole that too) then again, this would be different.

I don't see that he put her down on the loan as a debtor, just as a contact. That's like asking the next of Kin on a passport. It doesn't make the next-of-kin a criminal if the passport holder is convicted of a crime.

Can I suggest we all read Martin's advice

http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/announcement.html?f=76

before we all start posting any more about this.

basketcase

Dithering_Dad wrote: »

Sorry, but this reprimand would have more weight coming from someone who hasn't dragged one partner into debt and is fast dragging down another.

If the OP was my daughter I would make it a priority to try and keep her away from liars and users. If this bloke isn't adult enough to take control of his finances or to even admit to a problem, then why should she spend the rest of her (hopefully short) time with him acting as his mother/financial adviser/bank.

Hi DD!

I think it's less what you're saying and more the way the tone of your posts is coming across - which is as quite aggressive. I was a bit confused myself at first as to whether you were being serious or ironic. (Not that it takes much to confuse me :rotfl: ) As you can see, it puts people's backs up. And I do think you've got to be careful when giving advice using what a previous poster called 'reverse psychology', because some people might just take you at face value and do it! :eek:

OTOH, you seem to have a strong protective instinct and that's definitely getting through!

never_too_late_2

Hey All,

WOW - this post and subject matter certainly has split opinion!

I know from my time on the forum that we're all very passionate about being debt-free(er) but let's try not to make this all too personal eh?! It's always very hard to make a fair judgement when you only get a snippet of someone's life situation.

For my part - my DH and I are probably equally as bad as each other (great couple!) and we've generally gotten better as long as we talk about it and constantly review our plans. I wouldn't say either of us has lied to the other outright but the exact details were not always shared willingly!

Just take the first step and keep going. My biggest bit of advice would be don't play the blame game - it achieves nothing but resent. Either decide to sort it out together or make the break and deal with the consequences.

Anyway Jojo and others - let's just have a big group hug and remember that ALL debt situations can be sorted out.

Cheers,
ntl
-x-

newsgroup_monkey

never_too_late wrote: »

Hey All,

WOW - this post and subject matter certainly has split opinion!

<<<SNNIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPP>>>

Cheers,
ntl
-x-

Great post. Let's get back on topic.

Billy-no-Money

Yes, sorry for derailing this thread!
I promise not to bite again.

Dithering Dad - I am not replying to your last post. That doesn't mean I agree with you.


never too late - your words "I wouldn't say either of us has lied to the other outright but the exact details were not always shared willingly!" sum my recent history up rather nicely.