HELLO From New Zealand

chevalier

HappyNow wrote: »

Sorry to hear you didn't get the job Chev. Something better will be round the corner.
Your mum's over? Hope you're enjoying each other's company x

Hi Honey
thing is I endured my mum's company. I am coming to the conclusion that I might have a social phobia, or depression, or can't be arsed ness or something. This is just a brain dump really. Maybe something will come out of it. I know other people are coping with far worse..

So my mum she comes out every year to see us. She stays for at least 10 weeks sometimes 12. She always wants to be doing things, and in some ways it was worse this year, as she couldn't understand that I needed to work and then sleep in the day. And that I would be knackered the day after a night shift ( ie one night sleep later). She is incapable of understanding that we have no money, so is always suggesting we get take out which she thinks is helping me ( ie I don't have to cook), but unless you say only if you are paying she doesn't always offer. Our finances took a hit they couldn't afford and I resented that. I get that she spends alot to come round the world to us, but even so...

She isn't happy at the moment as we have told her that we are coming home for next christmas. What we haven't told her is that we don't expect her to come back with us once we go home. I would like a holiday where we can relax for once. And this isn't her it is me.

My job sucks. The work is hard and though I have got fitter through doing it and lost a stone of weight, I am now being told that I am not cutting fast enough and been asked why. I think my answers were pretty good and put some of the onus back on the company, but I hate the feeling that I am being constantly monitored. Even if it isn't happening, I feel like it is if you know what I mean.

I am having trouble even finding a job to apply for. Thing is all of my admin experience is 10+ years in the past. I KNOW I can do an admin job, but how can I convince prospective employers of that? And my CBA ness extends into this area. I am knackered after doing 3 or 4 10 hour shifts in a row, and by the time I feel vaguely awake again, (ie after having 3 days off maybe) it is time to work again, and the cycle begins again. If I am lucky I maybe find 2 jobs in the weekly cycle, to apply for.

We still haven't found a house in the college zone that the boys want to go to. Of course I am the only one who is looking. I mean OH doesn't even think of it. No his new vice is playing computer games that the kids play. Most of the properties are out side of our price range even with me working.

The boys are not behaving great at the moment. DS1 is hormonal and it is making him have a hair trigger and not controling his temper very well. I only hope he is doing better at school than he is here.

And OH argh. What can I say. He works hard but we are ships in the night. I think we are skint, he goes and spends money on some gadget without consulting me. It really got my goat, so I paid for a girls education with World Vision. At least my wasted money was for a good purpose.

I don't feel we can afford me to do my pilates, which I am sure is not helping my mood either. And I CBA to go swimming either. Pilates is $40 a time, swimming $5. So if I did what I was doing before it would be $60 a week minimum.

By the same token I don't feel I can take any classes either. I managed to get my OU courses transferred to a new degree, but I can't study from here - cost too much per course now. And the courses I want to do here, wouldn't pay off for 3 or so years and we can't afford that either.

The house is a tip. We have loads of stuff to get rid of, but I don't feel like I can just give it away. The money would come in handy but there is so much crap around that I just get disheartened every time I look at it. Everything takes so much time, and it is only me that is doing that aswell.

And OH obviously feels that the talk about going home is now settled and that I am happy to stay here, when I am anything but. I still want to go home but I am in a minority of 1 in the family. Everyone else wants to stay here. I keep having little day dreams about waiting till youngest is 18 and then !!!!!!ing off, but if I cam home then I would be well into my 50's and what chance of getting a decent job then? And yes it is that bad that I am dreaming about leaving even if it is in the future.

I guess I just feel stuck. And I think it must be me. I still have no real friends here. No one to say hey lets have a coffee and put the worlds to rights, or anyone to go and see a film with. We never go out because we can't afford baby sitters and the people we do know who would do it for nothing , well you can't impose to often on them. It wouldn't be fair.

The work makes my joints ache, so much so that I got test for arthritis the other day. Came back normal, so I guess my aches really are from the repetitiveness of the work. Which I can't leave cos we need the money. Our finances have NEVER balanced here in all the time we have been here. If we hadn't have had savings when we came here we would have been bankrupt a long time ago. And this is with OH living on a good wage, and us being in a rental that is really cheap for the area (even if he has just put up the rent 30 bucks). I really don't know what to do to cut back any further. We hardly heat the house in winter for example to keep costs low. I cook from scratch. We don't have Sky or netflicks. We have pay as you go phones. I don't buy clothes for myself, hardly drink, don't smoke, don't go out etc etc. I meal plan and stick to the shopping list.

So when can I start living instead of existing
chev

chevalier

anyone got any views?

Chocforever

Hi, I'm a long time lurker and I have seen the practical advice you have given others here. Here are my thoughts.


You aren't happy with most things in life. You have tried to make changes to various aspects of life and they haven't worked out how you hoped. In some cases, for instance on the work front, the local job market sounds pretty desperate and this comes across as being the long term situation.


It seems to me that there are no easy ways out. You have tried the things that would seem the obvious things to do in the UK, for example, to get work and a social network. Do NZers take a different approach that you could copy? This is a random example, but is it normal for people to overstate/talk up their skills on CVs to get a job? I say this because there seems to be an expectations/skills gap between what you can do and the rather more basic tasks people are giving you.


You say your OH earns a good wage, but it doesn't seem to be enough to sustain a modest family life. So is he really on such a good wage? Should you relocate if he could get a pay rise somewhere else in NZ?


I know there are plenty of people on this website who would say money does not bring happiness but I thing if your financial situation was better, it would take some stress away and let you enjoy the things that are good about NZ, family and life in general.


I can't remember the latest situation with your house rental in the UK. Would you trade it down for a property in a cheaper area in the UK so you still have the insurance of having somewhere to come back to but release some funds to make life more fun now.


I hope you will take these comments in the spirit they were intended.


Best wishes

Dansmam

Oh Chev I do hope you feel better for venting. It is NOT you, just that's a very black black dog on your shoulders today, and I so recognise that feeling you're just existing some days. And a mix of irritation and, if you're anything like me, wishing you could just have enjoyed the visit from your mum. Recognise that too. We can be such a complicated mix, can't we just?
And sounds like you could raise a little bit to ease the finances by selling clutter but need to get in a frame of mind that lets you do it. Can you get out for a mood-boosting stomp to shake it off, or do something creative so you feel like you have some proper me-time? Do you write or draw or paint or knit? Are there groups around you can join to learn how? Bad poetry/creative writing can be a great way to vent. Thought it was just me but you'd be amazed how many people fess up to that if you let on!
Hoping your day brightens as the day goes on - embarrassed can't work out what time you are there. Wishing you a bright and happy day tomorrow.
DM x

Dansmam

Missed saying, I don't think you can afford not to do your pilates. Neither can your family. You are keeping it all together for them to be in the place they want to be - they need you fit and happy and you deserve to be just that x

chevalier

thanks guys. I will do a better reply when I am more awake

HappyNow

chevalier wrote: »

I am coming to the conclusion that I might have a social phobia, or depression, or can't be arsed ness or something.

My job sucks.

I am having trouble even finding a job to apply for.

We still haven't found a house in the college zone that the boys want to go to. Of course I am the only one who is looking.

The boys are not behaving great at the moment.

And OH argh. What can I say.

I don't feel we can afford me to do my pilates, And I CBA to go swimming either.

I can't study from here

The house is a tip.

Everything takes so much time, and it is only me that is doing that aswell.

And OH obviously feels that the talk about going home is now settled and that I am happy to stay here, when I am anything but.

And yes it is that bad that I am dreaming about leaving even if it is in the future.

I guess I just feel stuck.

I still have no real friends here.

We never go out

The work makes my joints ache

Our finances have NEVER balanced here in all the time we have been here.

I really don't know what to do to cut back any further.
So when can I start living instead of existing

Chev, your post was such a sad one. I have reduced it (above) to just the 'bare bones' to see if that makes it easier for you to see what you have actually written. Maybe breaking it down into the individual issues rather than just the 'brain dump' you mentioned might give you a better chance of tackling some bits?

When you wrote it, were you having a particularly bad time, like we all do sometimes when things get on top of us? Or do you feel like this most of the time? If you do feel like this most of the time, then things need to change.

I hope you are already feeling better. Without sounding patronising, maybe you could write a post focussing on the good things in your life. Hopefully, you would be surprised at how many good things there are. But if your 'good thing' list is short then, to me, that's a sign that you need to make some serious changes, which should possibly start by getting an appointment with your GP? If you ARE suffering with depression then that would seem like the first thing to tackle, before you can begin to resolve the practical problems.

I wish you had a real friend in NZ that you could talk things over with because I think that would really help. But talking online is better than nothing, so please keep posting - there are lots of people on here (including me) who have really appreciated your help and support in the past, and care about how you are feeling x

missrlr

chev I am so sorry I haven't been around much, and you have clearly had more than enough.
I have to second the try something different routine. Not sure I have any more startling ideas to add to the mix.
Please remember "this too will pass" you are doing all the right things don't beat yourself up about it.
And DO KEEP UP THE PILATES
Hugs xx

catiecat

Hello Chev

I lived in Picton, on the South Island with my family a few years ago. We also found that the cost of living was extremely expensive due to the lack of competition and few deals were available. In order to survive I found myself leaning towards self employment, as did some of the other expats who were all in their 30's and 40's. One became a graphic designer and photographer and had quite a bustling trade making up touristy brochures and business cards. Another became a joiner and in particular focussed on door's and window's. My partner gave one to one guitar coaching to both children and adults and was able to charge $20 per hour. In order to supplement our income I started to use T**de M*. I used to visit charity stores (especially when it was fill a bag for $5 days). I would then list the clothing items on T**ade M* and make a profit. In particular UK and Australian brands are highly sought after. Books too are expensive in NZ and I used to buy lots of books from the charity stores and from my local library and then sell them on. I also found that there was a lack of plus size lingerie available (I mean very, very large sizes) and I would look out for low price bargains and sell them on.
Every now and again I would hold a yard sale at my home. I would advertise this in the shopping mall and by putting up notices on my fence about a week before the event. I was able to get good prices for my bric a brac (more than in the UK). Regardless of how tatty it was, I still found things sold. I usually made between $400 and $600 per 2 hr yardsale (I always put an opening and closing time up) and on the internet I usually made a net profit of approx. $300 per week.
If I were still in NZ and I needed to think about a career change then I would be tempted to try the following:
I would organise a small business whereby people could bring me decent quality used clothing, shoes/boots, handbags, books and toys. I would then check the products over, price them up and then sell them on possibly via an outdoor market stall or via a regular yard sale event or even operating from a small unit. The original owner receives a certain amount back from the sale of each product sold (maybe 40%) and you get to keep the rest. If after 6 weeks the donated items have not sold, then they can be returned to the original owner. There are certain 'nearly new' stores operating like this in the UK, but very few in NZ and those that are tend to focus on designer brands.

I hope my ramblings help and if you ever want to PM, then please feel free to do so. Good luck with everything in NZ.

C.C.

hoglet121

Hi there,

I'm in NZ too. I have to confess I haven't read all of your diary but you're obviously finding life tough here.

I have to agree with catiecat - when we were first here and I didn't have a job I made a fair bit of money selling stuff on TM - the weirdest things sold well and the things I thought would go didn't. It made a big contribution to the finances and gave me something to do on top of the job hunting.

Practically all my friends here are doing something extra to make a little money - cake decorating, sewing, babysitting, knitting, photography, cleaning. As well as the financial benefits it does break up the monotany of daily life.

Feel free to PM me if you'd like to

Hoglet