He won't share finances

foreversomeday

My OH and I have completely different attitudes towards money. We are not married, but we are expecting our first child and I'm struggling a bit at the moment with finances having been made redundant. I'm working as much as possible for AQA, and have signed up with some temping agencies but I'm not bringing in as much as I did when I was working full time.

I just feel that we aren't sharing money in a way that we should be. I have refused to have a joint bank account with him, but mainly because our credit ratings are so different it makes more sense for us to stay separate on paper. But now it feels like he is constantly asking for money that I owe him, (my share of the rent etc.) and he even gets frustrated at having to buy all the food if I have no money. To be honest I'd also rather not share with him personally, because I think having a separate bills account is important as he is likely to spend the bill money because it's there rather than waiting to see if he can really afford something, and he impulse buys so many things I am reluctant to trust him with money.

We do have a housemate/lodger who is useless at keeping up with the bills so I think he feels he is in charge of the finances and everyone is letting him down, but I think that the housemate issue should be separate from us two, since we are a couple and "supposed to" share everything, support each other etc.

I was just wondering what others thought - what do you do with your partner? Do you pool your earnings and live off that shared amount? Do you have shared or separate bank accounts? Am I being unreasonable to think that I should have a smaller share of the bills seeing as I earn less, or is he being unreasonable in asking me to pay the money?

Any advice/thoughts would be great, we seem to argue about this all the time and it is really stressing me out and putting a strain on the relationship.

Zazen999

We put the lot into spreadsheet [when we were first living together and working out how much each could pay/afford]. Then we calculated the percentages so if you earn 10k and he earns 30; then you pay 25% and him 75%.

We worked it before we had joint bank accounts by me paying some and him paying others, so that in total it was pretty much the percentage that we originally worked out.

The lodger stuff needs to be separate.

The only way to do it is to both agree it all though, and work it all out together.

Now, we both pay a certain amount into the joint funds, which are split between an account which just pays the mortgage, and a cash back egg card which everything goes on and if it is personal stuff then we pay that amount to top it up [so all my petrol goes on the egg card for the cashback, then on payday I will add the amount I spent on petrol onto my monthly amount - as we want maximum cash back as we go]. It works fine for us and leave us the flexibility to move money around for anything extra.

MrsTinks

Well we're married now, but even before then it's a case of your account, my account, but OUR money and OUR bills
Hubby earns more than me and so he pays more towards bills than me. Is it a straight "you earn x% more so should pay x% more"? Nope not in the least. Ultimately if either of us is low on cash then we transfer money or he'll cover the grocery shopping or I'll pay his car tax/insurance...
I'm in charge of the majority of the bills apart from council tax and mortgage - because I am the one hunting out deals, swapping and getting cashback etc - he does the 2 biggies as he's better that mortgages than me and they are paid my DD and we only have to redo the mortgage every couple of years
Works for us

tsstss7

Foreversomeday - does your OH not to expect to support you in any way then? What happens when you have to give up work - you will then be on much less money (I assume only Maternity Allowance of £117/wk as you say you have been made redundant). This would I'm afraid be a deal breaker for me - parenthood is stressful enough without being made to feel like a lodger or financial drain .....

kr15snw

Hmm seems a bit weird, Im kind of the opposite though.

My OH has been helping me through uni while Ive been living here. I pay the weekly shop (about 40 a week) and he pays everything else. I do buy a few things for the house at random times (tv lisence, new hoover, new pc etc etc).

Im now starting a full time job in a week and will be earning! Ill be on 12k a year and hes on about 20k a year. I said we should look at sorting the bills so I can pay a bit more to the house. He doesnt want me to? I suggested he pays about 70% of the bills and I pay 30% which is relevant to our earnings. He said no.

Hes said to keep it as he is. I asked what he wants me to do with the extra £600 I have and he said 'whatever you want!'.

Am I overly suspicous in thinking he is being under commited?

whitewing

kr15snw wrote: »

Am I overly suspicous in thinking he is being under commited?

No, I think he's being lovely. But why not save the difference and pay for a holiday?

whitewing

Wrt the original post, we have a joint acct, all money that goes in is ours and all bills get paid from it. We talk about virtually all purchases together (even milk or bread). We don't have to, we just do. It works for us this way and also makes us more likely to work towards our goal of overpaying the mortgage.

sismith42

We also have a joint account, but keep seperate accounts, too. So the joint is all "our" money (and was, even when I was the only one paying into it :rotfl: ), and our seperate accounts are our own money, and we can do what we like with it. My boss and his wife only have a joint account, and that works for them. My inlaws only have seperate acounts. Every couple is different on what division is best for them.

Zazen is right: you need to sit down with him and discuss how the money stuff isn't working for you anymore, and come up with a divsion/agreement that's good for both of you (or else decide after discussing it that things are ok the way they are)

belfastgirl23

I think you're giving him mixed signals. you want to keep your finances separate but not be independent. You want your finances to be joint with relation to him but separate for you. I can't exactly blame him for failing to meet your expectations when you're not clear about them yourself. At the base of it in any case is a lack of communication between you both. This can't continue. You're going to need to talk properly about finances before the baby is born.

I think you need to sit down together and talk about what you want from your finances ....

fay144

We have a joint account which all the bills come out of, and each pay 50% of the amount to cover that every month. And we have seperate accounts that our wages go into. So our spending money is seperate, but bills are joint.

We are both like to know to the penny how much we have to spend in a month, so joint spending money wouldn't work very well for us. It does mean we are always asking each other for the money that the other owes for shopping, petrol, etc.

We pay all bills 50/50, but we have always earned roughly the same - sometimes he is getting a bit more, and currently I am, but there is never much difference.

If something major like redundancy happened, we would sit down with a spreadsheet, and work out exactly what needed to be paid, and how that would happen. Sounds like you are just muddling through, and haven't really discussed it properly?

pollyanna24

Agree with most of the above posters that you really need to sit down and discuss your finances.

My parents are like you two with money. They have everything separately and are each responsible for various bills, i.e. Dad is rent and council tax and mum is everything else. There's no logic to it and it meant that when my mum was off work when we were young, she still had to find money from somewhere which was probably very stressful at a time when she really didn't need it.

The way me and bf work is that all our money goes in the joint account (including wages). All our bills are paid out of this account. We have our own accounts for spending money (which I class as a bill and is £200 each a month). This way if he wants to buy something for himself out of this £200, I can't moan as it is his money.

I am currently pregnant and have sorted out our money to the penny as I obviously will be earning a lot less than him with maternity, but we will still both get our £200 from the account, so life will go on as normal. I would hate to be constantly worried about money at a time when things are difficult enough. Does he not realise that he got you pregnant and it is a joint effort to run a household?

I know everybody does things their own way and have to find an even ground that works, but when children are involved, you have to work together. Sit down with him, set out a spreadsheet. I know some men (and women) think "Well I earn more, I should have more." I can understand that mentality, but if there is a common goal (i.e. a better life in the future), then you have work together. I actually earn more than my bf, but I don't see any more money in the month than him. It's just the way it is. I don't begrudge him this as we are in this for the long term.

Having said all that, my parents (esp my dad) thinks the way we do things is mad. My dad likes having his money and my parents have no clue what goes on in each other's accounts. This didn't help my mum when she was made redundant and ended up £15K in debt. Me and bf would work through this kind of thing, my dad just carried on paying his half of the bills and spending any spare. Thinking about it, how on earth have they stayed together for over 30 years?!!!!