He won't share finances

beer_tins

OH and I have separate accounts, but also a joint account we each pay X amount into each month. This is used to pay the mortgage, all bills and food. At the moment we each pay in the same. I earn more money, but she is in sales so will earn more than me in a good year. If she lost her job, or wanted to take time off once we have kids I would fully expect to pay most or all of this money into the joint account.

full-time-mum

I've only read the first post so I may be repeating - if so, I apologise.

When we first got married, we set up a joint account but kept our own accounts.

Our wages were paid into our individual accounts and we then both had a Standing Order into our joint account. The joint account went to pay for all the household bills - food, mortgage, utilities, insurance etc.

At the end of each month, we would see what we each had in our individual accounts and transfer any excess into a savings account. We did keep track of who contributed what - mainly just to see who was spending most socially. (OH spends more as he goes to football matches every weekend)

Once the children came along and I stopped working, everything went into one big pot. This did cause a few problems for me as I never had any money which I could just spend. I did ask for a small allowance but it never got sorted out. Now that the children are older and I do a few odd jobs (surveys, mystery shopping, party plan, babysitting etc) that money is kept seperate and I feel a little bit more independant. Invariably, that money gets spend on joint extras such as holidays or the children's school trips but it is always "Is it ok if that comes from your money" so I sort of feel in control of it.

The reason this worked for us may have been that we both earned roughly the same. However, I don't see why a similar type of idea wouldn't work for your situation.

In your position, I would have to make a list of everything that was joint spending so mortgage/rent, food, utilities, insurance, essential things for the baby etc. I would then want to know what our individual incomes were and what was expected from the lodger. (Don't forget that you will get a small amount of child benefit and family tax credit etc after the birth - we've always considered that as money into the bills account) Decide how much you need to contribute to the joint fund and then decide how much each of you will contribute
.
When we did it, we each contributed the same amount but you may want to twist it around slightly and make the amount left over the same. ie: After bills, you have £200 left to spend on extras, so set your SOs up so that each of you is left with £100 in your seperate accounts.

You also need to address the lodger issue. Money will get a lot tighter once the baby arrives and you won't be in a position to carry another person. You are right that this is a separate issue from your own money set up but it is important that the lodger pays for his share of the bills. Ask for a SO for the rent and then agree what percentage of the electricity (food if applicable) etc and how long after the bill arrives that you expect payment. I'm assuming that you have some sort of unofficial agreement - use the impending arrival as an excuse to re-negotiate.

In general, there is no reason why you can't keep some of your finances separate, but you are having a baby together and will become a family unit. At the moment, you sound more like girlfriend/boyfriend who happen to share a house.
If you don't want a joint account (and your reasons for this seem sound), then suggest that you have a bills account in your name as you don't earn enough to pay tax so it makes sense to keep any interest earned on the joint money untaxed! All our savings is in my name for that very reason.

galvanizersbaby

I find it interesting how different people deal with their finances!
I have a colleague who's recently got married and he was asking me the other day how I dealt with finances when I was married (divorced now but nothing to do with money BTW!)

He was going for the joint account with each paying a percentage of earnings in to cover the mortgage, bills etc... (he earns a lot more than her) and then the remainder of each's monthly salary was their 'personal spending money' - this sounds fine to me but my arrangement didn't to him! - we had 2 joint accounts - both our salaries went in to one and then money was transferred to the other to pay mortgage etc.. then what was left was 'our' spending money - neither of us ever thought of separating our salaries - when I had the children obviously I only had maternity pay for 6 months but neither of us would have thought of separating all the money out - we just had less to spend

I think each couple should do whatever works best for them but I think that if one party has very different attitudes to 'sharing money' in a relationship then it could potentially cause a huge problem - personally if I was your shoes foreversomeday, I would have to have a serious chat with OH before baby arrives to agree a way forward - it sounds to me as though there are serious differences in attitude towards money here - spender v saver?!

miserly_mum

OH and I have separate accounts. His for wages and mine for Tax credits and Child Benefit, but all the money in either account is OUR money.

I'm a SAHM so I deal with the finances because I have time during the day to do it. Having said that any decisions we make about money are done together, i'm just the one who puts them into practise.

All the bills are paid and whatever we have left each month is Family money. We have savings to fall back on in an emergency so whats left each month is ours to spend on whatever we (or the kids) want or need.

This works for us very well because we trust each other 100%. OH is a bit rubbish with money anyway so he's happy not to have the pressure of dealing with our finances.

MrsE_2

kr15snw wrote: »

Hmm seems a bit weird, Im kind of the opposite though.

My OH has been helping me through uni while Ive been living here. I pay the weekly shop (about 40 a week) and he pays everything else. I do buy a few things for the house at random times (tv lisence, new hoover, new pc etc etc).

Im now starting a full time job in a week and will be earning! Ill be on 12k a year and hes on about 20k a year. I said we should look at sorting the bills so I can pay a bit more to the house. He doesnt want me to? I suggested he pays about 70% of the bills and I pay 30% which is relevant to our earnings. He said no.

Hes said to keep it as he is. I asked what he wants me to do with the extra £600 I have and he said 'whatever you want!'.

Am I overly suspicous in thinking he is being under commited?

NO!

My husband pays all the bills, the AOL £10 per month & a £5 insurance are the ONLY house bills that leave my account.

I pay my own credit card bill & my car loan (but I often have to ask him for money to put in my account for that). He pays ALL other bills & food & holidays & presents & outings & everything.

I don't earn pin money either:D

I don't know what I spend it on:rolleyes:
But I still do:mad:

MrsE_2

I was taking the cat to the groomers the other day & I asked him for some "change" as I had none.

He said "how much?"

I said "20 or 25"

He opened his wallet & I reached in & took a £20 & a £5.
He said "you meant 20 or 25 pound??? Thats not change!!!":eek:

So I said to him, "it is when your smallest note is a £50!!!":rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

He had given me the fifties for the cats grooming & shopping, so he should have known:D

ms.prong

As soon as my fiance and I started living together we got a joint bank account. Both our salaries are paid into the account and all the bills come out of there. We also have another joint account that is for "spending" and any big purchases are a joint decision.

I have a larger basic salary than my partner but sometimes Mr.Prong brings home more than me due to overtime etc. It's all swings and roundabouts.

The way we see it, we are a team so there is no "my money" and "his money" its all "our money".

debs66_2

Hi, just based on the OP, and my own experience...

i think it's difficult when you are not married, but share a relationship as if you are.

when i was married, all our money was pooled, and when i stopped working to have and bring up the kids it was taken as red that it was our money. in fact, i looked after all the money that he brought in - very carefully i might add.

when we split, i subsequently had nothing, and my hubby said i didn't deserve anything because i hadn't worked (i ran his business from home and my pre-tax wage was my housekeeping, plus I ran the home and did everything in it for him + 2 kids:mad: )

i will never pool my money again for this reason. my partner and I have a joint account, and we put in an equal amount each month to pay for all household expenses. the rest of our wages are ours to do as we please.

your problem is that you 'feel' married in terms of your commitment, but you're not. i'm not a marriage fan (any wonder!), but not being married can lead to confusion about your status when it's so easy to walk away. i also don't think there is a law about what a couple is 'supposed' to do. it's something you work out for yourself.

what you're saying is that you don't have as much money at the moment, and you think the relationship should be that you not only share his, but you also don't trust him with his own money so would like to take care of it as well... hmmmm!

i think you would be best to work out a financial agreement. although you are not married, you are having a baby together, and he helped make it! you are potentially not going to be in the same position in terms of earnings as you was before, because of the baby, so he cannot expect you to pay a full 50% share. work out what you can afford, and when you are able to earn more as baby grows up, then adjust the percentages.

Bitsy_Beans

when i moved into my first house with my then OH (we are now married) we had one account for everything. It is still like this to this day. All our money goes into the one account and all the bills/DD's ae paid from this account. Large purchases are discussed in advance but it's never beena question of my money and his money. I don't have to ask for money and vice versa. I must admit I couldn't like like a number of you do but I guess if it works for you then thats all that matters!
with regard to OP you need to sit down and have a proper chat and sort this out. Given that a child is on the way now is not the time for keeping score. They are your bills jointly and you need iron out these issues. Hope you get it sorted.

grrrl

I do the same as a lot of other people on here - standing order to joint account for all bills, mortgage, food and joint expenses and individual accounts for our own personal spending and salaries.

I'm in a slightly "unhealthy" money situation at moment and would rather sort myself out alone rather than involve the OH. I don't want to pull him under - it's me that needs to sort out my spending, not him, so it's me that needs to tighten the belt. I still contribute my fair share to the joint account and focus on managing the rest of the money.

He earns more than me so contributes more to our joint account as a result. Having a joint account means that when we do things like going out for a meal or to the cinema, we don't have to have the "who paid last time argument". I like to contribute my fair share out of principle and don't like scrounging off other people. Having said that, if I feel he should be paying for something then I make sure he knows it!

We're getting a foreign student to stay with us this Summer and he offered to let me take the proceeds to sort out my financial situation. What I've suggested instead is that we get the money paid into our joint account and put it towards home improvements or paying a bit more off towards the mortgage. That way it benefits us both.

The key to your situation seems to be that you need to do two things:

1) Sort out the money situation now for the two of you as a single unit.
Discuss your concerns and expectations and discover his concerns and expectations. If you don't trust him with the joint account, why not set it up in both your names, but both agree for you to maintain it and to hold his cashcard and chequebook back? It's not just about you not having money, he needs to grow up and realise that with a child coming along he has to cut back his spending and support both of you.

2) Present a united front against the lodger and get him to pay his fair share on time.
It's a business relationship and should be treated as such. Milk the fact that you're having a baby as a reason for sorting out standing orders and making sure the money's paid to your joint bills account in full and on time.

Good luck - it's a difficult situation to be in. I have lots of money problems and the best way of dealing with them is to talk and be open about them. It's awkward at first, but becomes much easier!