He won't share finances

foreversomeday

Hi everyone, thanks for your replies, I was getting a bit uspet and frustrated last night which is why I posted but you have helped me get it sorted in my own head what I need to do and how I need to speak to him about it.

We do have some issues with the lodger, financial and relating to housework as well, which is really unrelated and not worth worrying about as he will be moving out before the baby is born anyway.

I think the biggest problem is that my finances have dropped so significantly - when I was working full time, I was able to cover my share of the bills and still have some spending money left over. Now, I am earning less than I will be getting when I am on MA (Luckily before I was made redundant I earned enough & paid enough NI to cover me for it) and with the extra tax credits, we ought to be able to cover the bills on OH's wages and some of my MA. He's expecting me to contribute as much as I did when I was working and I physically can't make that amount of money at the moment.

He does expect to support me and the baby when it is born, but he sees that as different because I won't be able to work then rather than now where he seems to think I could get a job for 2 months, or I should have got another full time job when I first got made redundant. I'm actually really chuffed that I managed to get accepted by AQA because once I get quicker at it I can earn a decent amount - enough to keep us going between when the MA stops and LO starts school, anyway.

Bitsy Beans, I wasn't saying I wanted control over his money too, we all need a bit of spending money and after we have paid the bills I think we should have some money we can spend on what we want without having to justify it to the other - if he wants to put it all in a fruit machine, or spend it on games for the Playstation he will get bored of next week, that is fine. I just worry because as it stands at the moment all the bills are in his name and sometimes I'm not sure he's done the maths right - that account always seems to be in the overdraft, and it shouldn't be.

I don't want to be patronising or make him feel useless, but even he would agree that he struggles with maths whereas I am better at it (I'm just useless at keeping things organised!) and if I am to be at home all day it would make more sense for me to be in charge of the accounts so that I can phone up and chase things up if they need doing without waiting for him to be free, so I think what I will do is have a chat with him and draw up a sort of budget, then suggest we get the bills account changed into my name or open a new one - then when he gets paid, I can sort out the bills and he knows how much he has to spend, I know how much I have to spend and if he does extra overtime etc he gets to keep that, unless we are really having a hard time. If I work out a long term plan projecting for the next few years he can see he won't be the only one contributing for ever, either. If I make sure I really get on top of all the housework etc as well at least he won't think I'm sitting at home doing sod all all day!

Anyway thanks for your help, I will have a chat with him tonight as hopefully he will be calmer than he was yesterday and we can sort it all out.

galvanizersbaby

foreversomeday wrote: »

He does expect to support me and the baby when it is born, but he sees that as different because I won't be able to work then rather than now where he seems to think I could get a job for 2 months, or I should have got another full time job when I first got made redundant. I'm actually really chuffed that I managed to get accepted by AQA because once I get quicker at it I can earn a decent amount - enough to keep us going between when the MA stops and LO starts school, anyway.

and if he does extra overtime etc he gets to keep that, unless we are really having a hard time. If I work out a long term plan projecting for the next few years he can see he won't be the only one contributing for ever, either. If I make sure I really get on top of all the housework etc as well at least he won't think I'm sitting at home doing sod all all day!

Anyway thanks for your help, I will have a chat with him tonight as hopefully he will be calmer than he was yesterday and we can sort it all out.

Good luck on sorting it out foreversomeday - must say your OH's attitude on the financial front towards your pregnancy bothers me a bit - hopefully any extra overtime he gets he will want to put towards family life with the new baby.
I very much doubt you will be doing 'sod all' all day with a new little one - wishing you lots of luck - when are you due by the way? x

Kaz2904

When DH and I got together he lost his job so I ended up paying everything. This carried on when DD was born and I hated it. He used to get his wages and buy petrol and groceries and just spend the rest. If I asked him for money he would ask what I had done with all my wages as I was getting about £1200 per month. That soon went after paying all the DD's and childcare.
One day I snapped and we had a (nother) huge row about it. His mates all seemed to do the 50/50 thing so he kept saying that we should do that. I got out all of our bank statements and went through everything we paid out each month. I said fine we'll do 50/50. You owe me £250 per month BEFORE FOOD.
He had absolutely no idea how much we had to pay out each month. I sat down and worked out a proper budget allowing a set amount for pocket money for each of us and a family leisure fund. We've done it this way for about 4 years now and it works well. We did used to have £50 each per month but DH said it needed to be increased after we'd been in our house for a year. So for the last 2 years we've had £80 each per month.
I often don't take mine because I don't really spend that much but it was the principal of having money for me to fritter too. I have said to him that I may not spend for months and months but then may go and splurge on something really expensive but TBH I am happier to use my money for buying bits for the house.
Since we've used this format we both know where we stand and don't really argue about money. I may earn more than him but I wouldn't be able to if he didn't look after the kids while I was in bed and at work. Likewise for him- if I wasn't here he would have less money.
People always wonder why we never buy each other things like valentines cards or anniversary cards but like he said on Monday (our 7th wedding anniversary)- there's little point because it's a joint pot and we'd be taking the money from elsewhere like the grocery budget to buy a piece of paper.

Since we worked it this way we have found that we both take more responsibility for managing finances and we always talk about any above average purchases. We do this because we want a good quality of life and can see that if we are sensible now we will have a good financial future.
One thing that was non negotiable was the childrens pensions. He thought I was a bit odd setting them up at aged 2 and 4 but when I showed him how much he would have to pay each month to get a pension at his age (29 then) he agreed.
We haven't got a pension for him but I have a good NHS pension to look forward to. His pension is the mortgage overpayment as it is a better use of the money and the compound interest. When the mortgage is cleared we will set up investments to fund his pension. We have ISAs and fill them up and may actually switch from overpaying the mortgage to filling ISAs every year.
We are a WE rather than to I's so it makes sense to work that way. Besides which, although I earn more cash than him, he does more renovation towards the house- I can't plaster very well. That more than makes up for what extra cash I earn.

Timmne

I really don't understand why people keep their finances separate - a fundamental lack of trust IMO....

I can't imagine me and my OH arguing over who paid more of the mortgage last month, it's ridiculous!

Sharra

When I was with my son's dad we pooled all money more or less from when we got together - I think as soon as there's kids involved, there needs to be a joint pot of money else its just not fair on whoever looks after the baby.
With my current partner since we moved in together it was always joint money - again its 'our' house and 'our' family, it would have been too complicated to keep track of who was spending on what.
I think if you're in a situation where your effectively together for better or for worse (whether married or not) then the trust needs to be there to share the money. at the end of the day though, every couple needs to work out whats best for them.