toddler tantrums and playgroup :>(

rosielx

My daughter is almost 2.5 and is in the midst of the terrible two's although most of the time she is a little angel and very well behaved. I'm worried about her reaction to the playgroup in our village. She went a couple of times with me there for the whole session and then went to a couple of sessions by herself and seemed happy and worn out and the end of the sessions. I was suprised on the last visit when I had left her for the whole session to find her sitting down listening to the story as she's usually racing around playing.

The day before we were due to go on holiday I took her expecting to leave her but she was extemely upset to the point where I could tell she was doing her alarm cry (It sounds odd but she does it when she's really upset). I picked her up and she wrapped her arms and legs around me to stop me putting her down. I took her home and within minutes she was being a little angel and playing happily with a pal from down the road.

After a break of a month due to holidays and hospitals (me not her) I took her back last friday and before I could even get the car into the car park she was screaming I don't like it. I tried to reassure her and went around to her in the car to calm her down but we ended up driving away and going to a local garden centre for coffee, cakes and parrots!

She's been with the same local childminder for the last 18 months as I work four days a week so I know she's used to being left and she goes to another playgroup with my childminders children with no problem. The only idea I have is that it's because she is one of the youngest children there and her village pals go on other days as their mums don't work.

She has to attend the playgroup to feed automatically into the village school as they have a really small year groiup and there are often more children then places so I don;t know wether to take her out of the playgroup and risk a different school or to wait until September when her "boyfriend" from down the road changes days? I don't want to pay for sessons that we are not using but I would also be happy to spend the whole session there with her if i can get her in the door.... I'm on the parent rota in three weeks time but I don't want to do that if she's getting so upset as she really is a very well behaved toddler

Cruiksl

Some children just take longer to settle in. I've seen this from taking my daughter to playgroup. I think it would be worth your while staying in the group until she gets used to it albiet at few days to a few weeks and when she's more familiar then start leaving for 15 mins, half an hour etc and building it up until you can leave her for the session.

I'm a great believer in talking things through with my kids (dd is 4 in August and ds is 2 in October) and I talk about what we're going to do the next again day. I think it prepares them.

hth (I also know how distressing it can be to see them upset though !)

mrcow

rosielx wrote: »

before I could even get the car into the car park she was screaming I don't like it. I tried to reassure her and went around to her in the car to calm her down but we ended up driving away and going to a local garden centre for coffee, cakes and parrots!

So she screams in the car park because she wants her own way then then gets taken out for coffee and cakes.....?

If you carry on doing that, you've got no hope of getting her to playgroup (let alone anywhere less fun!)

You need to have more discipline with her if you'd like her to go there normally, and also take yourself off the parent rota if you can help it as otherwise she's going to demand you stay there every time which wouldn't be helping anyone.

rosielx

I don't think she's throwing temper tantrums to ger her own way as usually she's a very well behaved and well disciplined little girl. I took her out for the morning to enjoy herself as I have PND and anxiety attacks after my pregnancy nearly killed both of us and find time passes faster if we are out and about . I have no problems doing anything else with her - just playgroup and I think that something has happened there which has triggered her behaviour :eek:

fsdss

rosielx wrote: »

I don't think she's throwing temper tantrums to ger her own way as usually she's a very well behaved and well disciplined little girl. I took her out for the morning to enjoy herself as I have PND and anxiety attacks after my pregnancy nearly killed both of us and find time passes faster if we are out and about . I have no problems doing anything else with her - just playgroup and I think that something has happened there which has triggered her behaviour :eek:

this is normal behaviour for a 2.5 year old- they can go through stages of not wanting to go to nursery/ playgroup / childminder. its not particulary unusual and in fact more a common behaviour trait. - she will settle down in time.
i would also take on board the advice of mccow - by taking her away for a treat will mean that the next few times that she goes to playgroup, she'll have a strop until she gets what she wants.
if it were me - i would have a chat with the leaders of playgroup and they should take some of the stress off you dropping her off - i can assure you that they will be more used to this situation than you can imagine.

Cruiksl

Have you spoken to the playgroup leaders ? They will have dealt with children who get upset at being taken there but they do settle down eventually. We had a little boy that took 3 months to settle into the playgroup but his mum kept bringing him even through the tears. As I said - some kids just take longer than others to settle in. I think you should keep trying even if it's hard for you - the benefits later on in getting some time out yourself will be worth it. If she feels that you're anxious about going then that could it be that she's realising that?

rosielx

I've tried to phone her tonight only to find out I was supposed to be at the playgroup committee meeting tonight.... It's difficult because I was told to call back when I will actually be driving to work in Cambridge . The hours of the working commuting mum and playgroup leader don't mix very well :rolleyes: . Will try tomorrow but wan't to get issue resolved before I have to do parent rota.

amandada

I'm usually one for saying that the parent is boss and the child will have to learn that.

HOWEVER on this subject, when she was 3 my dd, who had been going to a very small "gentle" playgroup from when she had just turned 2, went to the pre-school nursery attached to school, and she was EXTREMELY upset and clingy. We persevered for about 6 weeks, then made the decision to pull her out. She started at playgroup again a few weeks later and we had our little girl back.
She started pre-school nursery when she was 4, and utterly thrived on it, and has thrived on it and school ever since.
She just wasn't ready for the nursery and we have never doubted our decision to remove her.

I'm sorry to hear you have PND and problems with anxiety, I've been there and it's no picnic, but it DOES get better xx

Gingham_Ribbon

First of all, she's 2 and a half. There is no way I'd leave her either if she was that upset. There's plenty of time to introduce her to that sort of environment on HER terms. Why NOT let her do what she wants instead? If you can leave her with a childminder, then there's no desperate need for her to be there for your sake.

I may be way off the mark here but is she struggling because of the hospitals/pregnancy thing? My son was a similar age while I was ill (when pregnant) and staying in hospital a lot and he really found it difficult. We thought he was coping okay, then my husband had to go to a hospital appointment and it was the last straw for him. He started shaking and crying and I actually sat in the carpark for an hour with him rather than take him away leaving daddy behind.

It sounds like it's a time for lots of cuddles and support of each other, not leaving her there because she 'has' to get used to it. (She doesn't. Not yet anyway.) Perhaps you could stay for the sessions for a while? Do the staff know if something upset her there?

Good luck. It will pass, as will the PND. Take all the help you can get.

mrcow

rosielx wrote: »

I don't think she's throwing temper tantrums to ger her own way as usually she's a very well behaved and well disciplined little girl.

Sorry it's taken a while to reply. I'm sure she is your angel, but she does seem to want to put her foot down and have things her way (co-spleeping, temper tantrums etc). Children are wonderful, but they need to know that it's not them who "rule the roost". Parents that let children have their own way all of the time are doing them no favours.

You seem to be having quite a stressful time with her. PND is bloody awful, but that was two years ago now, and you and your daughter are a team and should be working together in a positive way. If you need her to go to this playgroup in order for her to get to the school that you require, then a little determination is required. If you give in now, be prepared to accept that you may never get her to go there.

I agree with giving it a break perhaps as you sound as if you have enough on your plate at the moment without the stress of this doing your head in. Why don't you try again in September? She'll be a little older and there will probably be a few new starters at that time of year too and a lot of the older children will have moved on to school so things won't be as intimidating.

With regards to keeping out of the house, I do understand that it's easier for you, but I still disagree with being shown to "treat" her for behaving so abysmally.

rosielx

I'm not pregnant again - she was the result of the pregnancy that nearly killed us both :rolleyes:. I'm have to go the hospital regularly as I have active crohn's disease but she doesn't know about that as I go when she is with her childminder. She probably detects the PND as I still have bady days of anxiety but then I just take her out for the day to the zoo or playbarn so we don't focus on it. She does co-sleep because after a major house fire which I rescued her from in the early hours of the morning last July she had night terrors in her own room. Still working on that one but at the moment sleep is more important for all concerned otherwise mummy is too tired to do anything with her . I guess I should be thankfull that afterall she's been through in two years she still loves mummy lots - so far .