Relationship probs.

hullight

You've given him enough chances to change, and I think that in those five years he will have done his maturing (or not).

The guy has no respect for you (he lied to you) and now thinks you are a pushover. This puts him in control, which means he probably sees you as at the same level as his one night stands.

I have a 'one chance and you're out' rule. Everybody is different and I would never be able to forgive someone after they cheated on me (it's happened).

You need to regain control and realise that you are still a young and healthy guy who can move on and up from this waste of space.

kennyparkroad

i hear what your saying, but there were also things i did wrong (although i never flirted/cheated)

i am giving us the one shot after everythings been explained, talked through and put into practice

if it doesnt work i know i have to move on.

i am a stronger person now, and he knows it, if he messes up, he is gone.

its the final curtain for us. and i want to make it work, time will tell if it does.

kennyparkroad

had a long talk last night.

he wasnt happy i was coming on here and venting. but understands why (as ive no-one to talk to about this stuff)

he says he will do anything he needs to do to keep me and he realises what he had all along, he just couldnt see it at the time.

will see how it goes.

much love to all of you and thanks for your comments.

Kenny

pinkshoes

Have you ever thought that the reason for your low self esteem is him?? I've had many cheating boyfriends, and believe me after a while it makes you lose all confidence...

I think you need to get rid of this guy, who blatently has no respect for you, and learn to love and respect yourself before getting into another relationship.

You emphasise how far you live from gay bars etc... so I'm guessing you fear you're going to end up single and perhaps not meet anyone else.

Don't settle for second best.

Fleago

Hi Kenny,

It sounds as if you have a lot of issues with your self esteem, which are all currently tied up with your relationship with your boyfriend and your fears about the future should it end. I wonder if it might be a good idea, whilst you're working at your relationship, to spend some time concentrating on seeking support for yourself and your issues of self worth, independent of your boyfriend and your relationship.

I see that you are in Ayrshire, what about giving the Strathclyde Gay and Lesbian Switchboard a ring? I notice from their website that they can give all sorts of advice about social groups, the local scene etc and that they can also give telephone counselling and support about a range of issues.

Contacting the switchboard would do nothing to demean your relationship in any way, but it would allow you an opportunity to talk solely about you and how you feel about things. It might also open up opportunities for you to meet other gay men, or at least to let you know that, should your relationship ultimately fail, there would be a life and opportunties for you out there that aren't dependent on accessing gay pubs.

I must say, your boyfriend is blooming lucky to have you after his treatment of you. You sound like a lovely guy and I'm positive that if it comes to it, there will be plenty of men who would be looking to have more than a one night stand with you. I bet you're gorgeous and you just don't know it...............................................yet!

kennyparkroad

the thing is, while he has said i can go out myself (which i dont anyway) i dont think he would be receptive about me going to something like this to meet other gay people as he would fear id do it to him for revenge.

im not going to lie had a huge arguement last night as it turns out when he had sex with his ex on December (when we had split up but he was texting me to sort it out and still slept with him) it was in a a gay sauna in glasgow - unprotected (which i knew but he went and got checked and came back clean)

i explained that when he was angry he went out got drunk slept with people, and now that im angry i have no venting mechanism, nothing to help.

he just keeps telling me he couldnt see what he had, he now sees what he had and he wants that forever and has promised to never hurt me again.

i love him, but am so tired of fighting and yes its me that starts the arguements, but why not? im hurt.

i try not to start arguements but when they start i just cant stop!

i hate myself for it, he promises he will do everything he can to keep me, to never hurt me again, and to never do anything but love and be with me, because he just "woke up" at Xmas (less then 2 weeks removed from sleeping with 2 different people) and realised he wants me. forever.

forgive me if im sceptical,

stationaryace

maybe there's a reason for all these fights- you obviously have very strong feelings (everyone would) that need to be let out and more importantly he needs to hear them, all of them. perhaps time apart is in order to give yourselves a break from all fights, and most importantly to see if he really can behave when you're not with him.

personally, i'm the queen of scepticism but i try to keep it under control

kennyparkroad

if i let him lose i think he would do it again ive told him this.

he said my trust will come with time and he can prove to me he knows where he went wrong and he has grown up.

but in the end i know ill end up a lonely crazy old man with dogs and rabbits (not fond of cats)

kennyparkroad

7 days since my last post and no arguements, gotta be a good sign right?

got a wedding to go too in 2 weeks........... kinda dreading what will happen, i just have to think positive and give him the chance to prove me wrong.

glossgal

OP, there's no harm in making a go of things but personally I don't believe that trust comes with time. Either you trust someone or you don't regardless of other things, this instinct is with us from birth and is supposed to keep us from harm-it's the reason why we take an instant like or dislike to someone for no obvious reason for example. If you don't trust him then it's because you shouldn't!

If my OH cheated I think I could deal with it but if I genuinely felt in my gut that he would do it again then I couldn't live with the uneasy feeling, the sex would be nothing compared to that! If you're walking on eggshells that is a miserable way to live and you deserve better