Relationship probs.

kennyparkroad

Really sorry to post this and burden others.

i am 25, gay. have been with my partner since i was 20, this has been my only relationship.

we met when i was going to uni, i moved in with my now current BF and his ex (i knew his ex and he offered me a place to stay)

i had just came out the closet, had no experience in a city came from a rural village where i had to keep my sexuality a secret.

well, my mates BF then decided he liked me, split up with his bf and then i started going out with him, we moved into his mums, after a month, he wanted me to move out, so i did i had no money by this point had to give up uni and move back in with my mum.

then when he was coming to deliver my stuff with his mum we talked and he wanted to move in with me in my town (80 miles from his)

so we moved into a flat (council) and then a few weeks in had a drunken fight he left, and then came back 2 days later, i later found out he went back to his ex and slept with him, he said he was sorry and i gave him another chance.

and then during the next 2 years we had numerous drunken arguements (he always started them and sometimes he went to his mums, sometimes he didnt) and he kept leaving coming back after 2 nights or so (and his mum ferried him too and from!)

i then found out not only was he sleeping with his ex, he had escort pictures done (full nude) he posted them on a gay website (gaydar) but didnt go through with it, his ex phoned me to tell me this when my bf came back, i confronted my BF he lied about it, but then when i was sent the pics he confessed but said he couldnt go through with it (which his ex later confirmed)

his ex always wanted to go out with me and have me move in with him but i wasnt interested, thats why his ex told me everything.

so then 3 years into our relationship we had a great 18 months, bringing us to 4 years 8 months, and then it started again, he left one night stayed with a mate, came back the next day left the next week came back the next day and then left at Xmas, he asked to come back the next day i said no, i was finished, so we had broken up.

then end of Jan he wanted to come back, and explained loads of things to me.

saying that he cheated on me all those times (4 different people, his ex bf about 10 times) because he expected me to do it (him and his ex cheated on each other the whole time) he said for a year when he was single, he was sleeping about and that most of the people he went with were cheating on their parnters (he was 18 at the time) he thought it was the norm, he had gaybars on his doorstep (mines was 50 miles away and i had never stepped in one till i met my bf)

he explained that he was really low at xmas and his work sent him to counselling (which they did as we work in the same building with different companies but he handed in sick lines so i didnt see him for 2 months)
where he realised that he only wants me, now and forever and has promised never to ever hurt me again.

but then in march i found out the night the week before he left for 2 months he slept with someone (some random in the pub) and then came back to me the next day, and when he left at xmas, 2 hours after he left he slept with a supposed friend, asked to come back next day which is when i finally said no.

and then in December he slept with his ex twice (while texting me wanting to sort it out)

as you would be i wasnt happy, and again asked him to leave and never come back.

This was in March, he explained again that he couldnt tell me what he had done because he didnt want to lose me, and he swears that he has just "woken up" and sees everything so clearly after the counselling (and at about late December realised he wanted me but thought he had ruined everything). that he wants me and only me,

since march he has been very patient (with sex for one) and everything else, he has put 120% effort into everything and i do for the first time i our 5 years actually feel LOVED by him.

so why cant i shake the feeling that he is just going to do something like this again? when my guard is down

ive made it clear if he ever does anything then we are over,

we dont go out seperately (although we have agreed when can, because my theory is that if he is going to do something, he is going to do it anyway no matter what i do)

and while i really do want to trust him and have faith in him, i dont seem too at the moment,

i dont know if it will come in time or not.

i have my own house, so thats not a problem, and i would never keep someone around for extra money, i actually do love him.

but is it because he was my first relationship?

i do know i love him and if he could stay faithful would love to spend the rest of my life with him,

i am also very insecure, hate my body and have zero confidence, so know i wouldnt find anyone else cause i wouldnt go looking!

but i really do want to spend the rest of my life with him, and he says thats all he wants now, but im still "on the edge of my seat" if that makes sense.

i know the only optioni have is just to work at it and hope it works?

sorry to make this such a long post.

KPR

Chollita

Oh bless, you're the sort of gay bloke I want to mother! I bet you're lovely!

Personally, I wouldn't trust someone after they'd displayed that kind of behaviour for so long, he really has pushed it way too far! But the decision has to be yours. I think you deserve better, he hasn't treated you with respect. However much you love someone, if they are not capable of giving you what you want, sometimes you just have to accept that it's not going to work.

G-G_4

I think you could do so much better..

I'm sure he has his good points, but he sounds very messed up in the head to have to go around sleeping with so many other men when he has you at home..

Maybe you need some space to explore other things in your life, meet and date other people and see what happens..

As it's your first relationship, then maybe you are scared to let go.. ?

kennyparkroad

i dont go dating, i dont have the confidence, i dont go out myself to pub/pictures etc, so in short i dont really go out unless mates are there.

again the nearest gay pub is 50 miles away - no thanks! lol.

i do love him, and he has shown incredible progress for lack of a better word march/april/may and so far in june.

i told him the other night that love isnt always enough and if he does do anything no matter how minor ill move on.

and 2 months isnt long apart granted, but we all know what was doing for 3 weeks out of those 2 months! whereas i was at home spending money on feeding my dog! and living mostly on beans and toast (which i like so it was ok) lol.

i dont want to let go, and yes am very scared to let go cause i dont feel there is anyone else out there for me, but i have no question that i do love him, i always did, and he told me he wants me to do what i always did, be there for him, love him and he will do the same, he will do what he should have done from the start.

i feel i owe him the chance to prove that.

sandra_nz

He's (rightly) lost your trust, and that's going to take a lot of time to build up.

But right now, I'm more concerned about you and your own emotional health, than I am about his potential cheating. You sound like you are lacking in confidence and have low self-esteem.

I suspect a lot of your desperation to make this relationship work is your underlying belief that noone else would want to have a relationship with you.

If you want to have a healthy relationship with another person, you also need to have a healthy relationship with yourself, if that makes sense? No one is going to respect you unless you respect yourself.

There are heaps of self help books out there, most public libraries have them. I think it would do you the world of good to focus on yourself and work on your self esteem for a bit.

Wishing you all the best,
Sandra

January20

You BF slept with his ex and you took him back. He did it again and you took him back againg. I'm sorry to be blunt but I think he has no respect for you. Perhaps he is just unable to be faithful?

As G-G said, you can do better. You are young and there is a world of opportunities ahead of you. Don't close the door on them for the sake of somebody who is not worth your love.

There are worse things than being single for a little while you know!

kennyparkroad

sandra_nz wrote: »

He's (rightly) lost your trust, and that's going to take a lot of time to build up.

But right now, I'm more concerned about you and your own emotional health, than I am about his potential cheating. You sound like you are lacking in confidence and have low self-esteem.

I suspect a lot of your desperation to make this relationship work is your underlying belief that noone else would want to have a relationship with you.

If you want to have a healthy relationship with another person, you also need to have a healthy relationship with yourself, if that makes sense? No one is going to respect you unless you respect yourself.

There are heaps of self help books out there, most public libraries have them. I think it would do you the world of good to focus on yourself and work on your self esteem for a bit.

Wishing you all the best,
Sandra

someone have given me a book to get i cant remember who does it, but its called "feel the fear - do it anyway" it helped him no end.

i dont respect myself because i dont see anything to respect, the only think i like about myself is the fact i have never cheated on anyone and will never cheat on anyone. i explained to my BF all the chances i had (from people wanting to give me their number etc) but i know it would have been 1 night stands and im not interested. (i know im strange)

kennyparkroad

and i know there are worse things than being single, but when i was taking him back before i KNEW he was going to do something (i know that sounds crazy) but this time im not so sure he WILL do something, its more of a "he might" but again i dont know.

i think i owe him and myself the chance to make this work, he has never been so open and honest with me as he is now, i think and hope he has turned a corner,.


but your right, i dont think anyone else would want me. if youd seen me youd understand :-D lol.

January20

By all means give him another chance, but don't let him walk all over you (oh and you need to know I'm an old cynic too lol)

Don't put yourself down! If he wants you, you can be sure other people will want you too!

kennyparkroad

he has one more chance, the final chance, i know it would hurt for him to leave, but in time maybe someone would want to be with me, it just seems in the gay world (and straight for that matter) everyone is interested in 1 night stands.

why is it so hard to find someone that likes you for you, that will be faithful and just loves to cuddle up at nights.

Kenny - 25 going on 90

sandra_nz

On the one hand you’re saying you’ve had interest from other people

i explained to my BF all the chances i had (from people wanting to give me their number etc) but i know it would have been 1 night stands and im not interested. (i know im strange)

and then you say

but your right, i dont think anyone else would want me. if youd seen me youd understand :-D lol.

which completely contradicts your first statement! Your own head is playing mindgames with you, you need to start being kinder to yourself, my friend!

Some books I'd recommend - Don't Say Yes When You Want To Say Know and Th e Disease To Please: Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome.