What do I do now?? (v long)

Welshlassie

Before responding please read this thread for background.

http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=356442

Well it is almost 16 months since this all came to a head and we have both had our children.

My parents have gone against everything they said they were going to do and continue to pander to her whims. We were both persauded by our parents to meet up in November to discuss the letter I sent and how we could move forward from the situation.

The meeting didn't bring any answers and if anything made things worse as she has disputed everything I said in the letter and responded with "Why should she change for me who thinks I'm God".

My response was to walk out as she obviously hadn't changed since the letter was sent 10 months before and I therefore still didn't want anything to do with her. For a few weeks following this my parents (mum inparticular) continued to bug me to do something about it, but gave up when I said I wouldn't be going there at Christmas with my DH and DS if she was there as she had proved that she hadn't and didn't want to change therefore the reason I cut her out was still there. My parents then didn't mention her again until about a month ago, which proved they were only bugging because they wanted a happy family Christmas, which was never ever going to happen.

I called my mum to arrange to go over one weekend to be told that my sister was going to be there and why didn't I come over anyway. I said no and if she wanted to resolve things she had to make the first move as the ball was in her court. 5 days later I received a letter from her saying she wanted to sort something out to stop upsetting mum and dad and so our sons could have a relationship.

The problem I have now is I have realised I don't want anything to do with her. I really hate her (I know this is a strong thing to say, but this is how I feel) and don't want a relationship with her. I think part of the reason I feel like this is resentment against my parents who spend so much time with her and very rarely see my DS. eg I called them to ask if they wanted to go out for lunch one day as they hadn't seen DS for over 2 weeks, mum said she had dinner organised already, so they popped around to see us before for an hour they had dinner. I then dropped something around to their house unannouced later that evening to find my sister there having dinner, therefore the reson they could go out with us, she goes around 4 or 5 times a week every week.

Mum told me before her baby was born how difficult she was finding to accept this baby due to the circumstances surrounding his arrival, but seems to want to spend more time with her and her DS than me and my family now he has arrived (basically I'm jealous and annonyed).

I was also diagnosed with PND 2 months ago and am finding general everyday life difficult to deal with nevermind something like this as well.

My DH has said I should speak to her and lay out the relationship on my terms, be civil to her when I see her etc but not a full on relationship like we had before this happened and when she screws up (like she will - a leopard doesn't change its spots) I use that as the excuse to cut the relationship again.

The problem is I don't want to even speak to her and I certainly don't want her anywhere near my DS. The thought of speaking to her makes me feel sick (but this could be the thoughht of confrontation).

I have to do something about the situation though as it is making me ill and I am starting damage my relationship with my DH has I'm snapping at him so much.

What do I do??

hev_2

Hugs

I suggest (experience with dealing with inlaws) that you don't do anything.

Don't phone or contact them, don't send birthday/Christmas cards (how can you expect to remember with PND?), don't worry about remembering her DS - just let her fade away. If she does get in contact, be pleasant but don't commit to anything. Just nod, smile and get away from it.

Do what you can with your own mother, but I suspect that you will struggle again to get her attention. It is bound to hurt desperately again but just because you are right doesn't mean that you can make her see that. Perhaps it's just as well that your nephew has a responsible adult in regular contact.

Just work on an independent support network and try and concentrate on the good. Make sure you are getting all the support you can from Health Visitors and your GP - you are worth it!

MUST DO - Look after yourself, your child and your partner - in that order!

Thinking of you.

bunty109

My first thought is that if you have PND now isn't the time to be sitting down and talking with her. It may even be that the PND is exacerbating the negative thoughts you have about her and your parents. You need to concentrate on feeling better in yourself and on things being all right with your OH.

I know you feel like you want to get things over and done with, but do wonder if you just need more time out. Can your OH explain to your parents about the PND and ask that you just have some space for a bit. I'd warn them that if your sister persists at the moment then it's likely just to make things worse rather than better. Obviously she has made the first move like you asked, but I think maybe it isn't the best time and she needs to wait for you.

I don't know what to say about your parents apparently favouring your sister. It may not help, but all I can say is that parents do funny things from time to time. It may be hard to accept, but you may never get them to see things your way: I can understand you resent your sister for this and I am sure she is milking the situation, but a lot of people would. I guess what I am saying is maybe it's harsh to hate your sister for a situation you feel your parents have helped create.

I really don't know if that's helped and I feel I have rambled. All I would say, is don't rush into this at the moment. You are in an emotional place as it is and you may hurt yourself more by acting now.

pinkshoes

I'm sorry if this sounds rude, but I think blood is thicker than water, and although you have a really difficult sister, she obviously loves you.

Your sister no doubt has ADHD, so although her behaviour annoys you, she might not have the capacity to understand what it's like to be in your shoes.

I think you should try to forget the past (ALL of it - including the bitterness you perhaps still have from her being so demanding when you were a child), and give your sister one last chance.

Not going round for christmas, or because you sister is there is a little childish, no matter how much you feel you hate her. I was not the easiest sister in the world, and did some truely horrible things to my brother, but now we're both in our late 20s, we get along very well!! I never would have anticipated that based on the past!

Paparika

Welshlassie big hugs to you as i read the other thread then this one you are a very strong woman.

I may get told off for saying this... you have PND you know once your sister finds out then she will have it but much worse of course.

Congratulations on your baby, i bet you and your OH are thrilled.

Blood maybe thicker than water and you maybe able to pick your friends not your family, but you sister is nothing more than a drama queen who if ignored gets stroppy.

If as pinkshoes suggests that your sister has ADHD ( I though you grow out of that, then again i am no expert and can be completely wrong). then shouldn't your parents suggest to her to see a doctor about it!

Anyhoo, my step gran mutter mutter i really detest the woman) has hated me since the moment i was born, i was conceived out of wedlock, and my mum isn't her daughter, so i was always pushed to one side whilst she lavished love and gifts on her own children's children, whilst she made snide comments about me.

When i left home after having several rows with my mum, my nan and one of her 'real' daughters used to report to my mum about how they saw me in a night club surrounded by loads of men acting like a !!!!!!, drunk etc..... i was with my boy friend who was stood with all his mates..

I realised then that this woman may be my gran, but she certainly didn't act like one and decided to cut all that side of the family out of my life apart from my gramps, my mum would keep me informed of how he was, and when he was rushed to hospital, i was there, and ignored the family as they were nosey and wanted to know what I was doing, (they could of asked 20 years ago if they were concerned)

ok I'll cut to this year, my parents were preparing to move to France and that woman starts to stir it about my mum leaving her etc (so where are HER children then)
the OH buys my parents house and arrangement the he had with my dad, i purposely didn't get involved. (you'll see why) my parents leave beginning of march and OH starts to have work done on 'his' new house, its concrete so it all needs to be removed and bricked up, my gran decides to have someone drive past and rings my mother to say there was scaffolding everywhere, and she bets that me and OH planned to rip my parents off and make loads of money from the house etc, i never bought the house, i have no financial ties to it. I've threatened to go to her house and tell her what for, but i don't see the point as she will report back to mum that i did something worse. Ok I've rambled enough now


I think what i am trying to say is there is always going to be a problem and for me cutting them out of my live worked wonders for me, i just get to hear stories of her lies, and my mum now realises they were always lies.

you have a partner and a baby who both love you, and you love them, you have your own family, enjoy them, if your sister doesn't like it then tough. She knew what she was doing when she got pregnant, and knew he would never support her, i bet she just did it for spite and attention, and that will cost her at least 18 years of her life, you just go and enjoy yours xx

January20

The problem with the idea of "blood is thicker than water" is that it allows certain family members to take advange of others.

You are not very well at the moment and your priority should be to get yourself well for your sake but also for your DS and your OH. If seing your sister is making you feel bad, don't see her, don't have anything to do with her if you don't want to.

Life is too short to spend it with people you don't like or make you feel bad, whether they are family or not!

When you feel better, you may decide otherwise but that's in the future.

scrimpingbadger

I've had the dubious pleasure of constantly being the 'good girl' all my life because my siblings were horrendous. My sister has mental health issues - I cannot get involved with her for some good reasons:
1. she thinks I have an agenda to make her look bad all the time - it just enrages her.
2. I need my sanity for my family and children
3. She's not actually my cross to bear.
If that makes me look cold, I'm sorry. I've tried to do right by her for years, I've wasted my time.
Yes, she's my sister. We have parents in common. And not much more. That doesn't automatically ensure life long friendship.
The result? Well, it's not ideal but I'm lots happier.

Just walk away. If she's being difficult, it's not your problem. You have yourself and your son to think of. As for the grief she gives your parents. Support them if necessary but try to avoid her if you can.

Welshlassie

pinkshoes wrote: »

I'm sorry if this sounds rude, but I think blood is thicker than water, and although you have a really difficult sister, she obviously loves you.

Your sister no doubt has ADHD, so although her behaviour annoys you, she might not have the capacity to understand what it's like to be in your shoes.

I think you should try to forget the past (ALL of it - including the bitterness you perhaps still have from her being so demanding when you were a child), and give your sister one last chance.

Not going round for christmas, or because you sister is there is a little childish, no matter how much you feel you hate her. I was not the easiest sister in the world, and did some truely horrible things to my brother, but now we're both in our late 20s, we get along very well!! I never would have anticipated that based on the past!

Why is blood thicker than water? Just because you are related to someone does not guarantee you will get on with them. If I disliked someone I wasn't related to as much as I dislike my sister I wouldn't have a relationship with them, my parents (and alot of other people) seem to think that because she is my sister I should accept/tollerate the grief she gives me and everyone around her. Why should I - especially when it is making me ill.

How many last chances can someone have? This was her last chance, because she had had so many of them previously. Its taken her over 16 months to decide she wants a relationship with me which doesn't imply to me that she loves me. And I actually think it is because of my DS that she wants a relationship not because of me. She has so few friends because she has driven them all away and realised how lonely she is. Not my problem!

I don't see how you can say not going around at Christmas or when she is there is childish. The reason I did it was to protect my DS, which was the whole reason I created this situation to start with, if I just go around when she is there, she will think everything has been forgotten and can go back to the way it was before.

Welshlassie

I'd love to be able to just walk away, but my parents and even my DH to some extent really think I should try and have some sort of relationship with her. My parents especially keep going on about it.

I didn't want her to know aything about me or my DS when her was born, but I had a text message from sister within 2 hours of him being born, which meant she knew before SIL knew which I was really annonyed about as Dad got straight onto the phone to her (DS was born at 11pm) yet when her baby was born it took my parents 8 hours to let me know and her DS was born in the middle of the day. (As much as I said I didn't want to know about her I asked to be told about this).

Part of the other problem is we all live within 3 miles of each other and I can't just drop into my parents as she is always there.

I feel as though I'm in a catch 22 situation. I need to get this resolved for my mental stablility, yet I'm mental not with it enought to be subjective and reasonable about things. How do I get out of this?

pinkshoes

Welshlassie wrote: »

Why is blood thicker than water? Just because you are related to someone does not guarantee you will get on with them. If I disliked someone I wasn't related to as much as I dislike my sister I wouldn't have a relationship with them, my parents (and alot of other people) seem to think that because she is my sister I should accept/tollerate the grief she gives me and everyone around her. Why should I - especially when it is making me ill.

From what you have written above, it seems you have answered your own question and know what you want/need to do.

But... I get the impression that you like to think that blood being thicker than water doesn't matter, but it's obviously an issue that bothers you, otherwise you wouldn't have posted, hence my suggestion about giving your sister one more chance.

izoomzoom

Welshlassie, I haven't read all the replies, and have just skimmed through your replies, but you have to remember (as if you can forget) that your sister is an intergral part of your parent's lives, and their hurt (over their own hurt, and that of your sister's) will always come into play and there will always be an attempt to try and fix it from their perspective.

My FIL didn't speak to me for 18 months before I married DH, and as a result of this I will always be cool towards him. Many years of marriage and moving miles away has finally made this less hurtful to my DH but when it comes to family there are always muddy waters if you don't get along.

Anyhow, my advise would be just to play it cool and calmly. If you want to see your parents without your sister (as she seems to there at their house) invite them to your house. If you do have to go their's, be civil, polite and tolerate 'the unliked sibling' as a good guest would. I know that these are your parents, and it is unfortunate that you need to 'act' in this way, but that is why there is a difference between family and friends.

Moving half way around the world would be the other solution - out of sight out of mind ... but then you would miss your parents.