Dealing with selfish 25yo sister (v long)

Welshlassie · 22 January 2007 at 10:13AM

I'm not realy sure why I'm posting this, probably because I need to off-load it somewhere and I know you lot always give good advice.
I'm current 3 months pregnant and the eldest of 2 sisters. My sister is 25.

She has always been "difficult" from a baby, mum and dad spent the majority of their time when we were children pandering to her even whim and moan. If she was a child now she would be diagnosed with adhd I'm sure, but back then she was just a bit hyperactive. We saw all sorts of family counsellors and thearpists. I was pretty much left to my own devices for much of the time and got my entertainment from alot of out of school activities, which although my parents regliously took me to, never really got involved in them eg I swam for a club but they never attended any of my galas, I was in the st johns, but they never saw me receive any of the awards I achieved.

I have accepted this and moved on, however my sister is still playing on their attention. She sort of still lives at home and sort off lives 120 miles away with her boyfriend, not that she pays any rent at mum and dads. For the past 7 years or so she has had one medical condition after another, and while I'm not disputing that these condition exist, she plays off them and is basically a good victim.

She only ever speaks to me when she wants something and although I have tried in the past to make the effort she only comes around or speaks to me when there is no better offer available from her friends. She was my bridesmaid when I got married, but I was so concerned that she was going to create a scene I seriously considered asking her not to come, in the end she behaved, but still managed to call my husband a ba****d for giving me everything she wanted on our wedding day.

It finally escalated to the point I don't want anything further to do with her when I found out I was pregnant. We went round to tell my parents our news and she was there, we told them and her response was "I thought you were going to tell me first" and then promptly stormed off. I had never said I would tell her first, she told I should just after we got married and assumed I would go with her wishes. She then called over 2 or 3 times every week for the next 3 or 4 weeks because she wanted to be involved with the baby, which initially was quite sweet, but as I work from home, started to get difficult, especially as all she did when she was here was text her friends or moan about her latest medical condition. She then stopped coming for no apparent reason. Before last night I haven't actually seen her properly since boxing day when we went there for Christmas. I was taken into hospital with dehydration due to morning sickness a fortnight ago, but even though she knew and came round to see my husband while I was in, I haven't heard from her to ask how I am at all. I phoned her and sent her a text on Thursday to ask if she wanted to come round before she was going back to Brum to be with her boyfriend and got a load of abuse about me knowing more about her life than she does, becuase she doesn't know when she is going back.

I'd been talking to my SIL on the weekend about the whole situation (I get on with her fantastically) and it suddenly dawned on me that I dont want the type of person my sister is, around my baby and I am willing to forfeit my entire relationship with her unless she changes. But to be realistic she has been like this for 25 years and not changed, why is she likely to in the next 6 months?

I haven't actually told her this yet as she doesn't respond to me when I do speak to her. We went out for mums birthday last night and I ended up telling my mum all this who actually agreed with me, as mum and dad have finally realised that they can't go on pandering to her and walking on egg shells around her and have they said they will support my decision.

My husband has always tried to build bridges with us and been very tolerate of her, but after a long chat last night agreed with me that enough was enough. I have obviously missed out alot of the type of things that have bought us to this point as it has been going on for 20 odd years, but wonder if I'm right.

Thank you for reading if you got this far and any comments or thoughts would be welcome and truly considered.

lottee · 22 January 2007 at 10:32AM

I think you have already made a decision by the sounds of it. If even your own mum thinks you are doing the right thing, then it can't possibly be a wrong decision.
You do not need any extra stress or pressure at the moment - than you already have, & especially after your baby is born. No offence, but she does sound like she has 'issues' that she should deal with - definitely sounds like jealousy, buy why? Could there be any reason why she is acting this way? Maybe rather than excluding her completely from your life, just see her at family occasions, meals etc. Afterall she will always be your sister...

Congrats on the baby BTW, welcome to the world of nappies, sleepless nights & chaos, observe, cherish & enjoy!!! x

daphne_descends · 22 January 2007 at 10:46AM

I agree with lottee's post above, it sounds as though you've come to a decision and I believe in trusting your gut feeling.

All I would add is that the strangest things can cause a person to change and the arrival of your baby may be the thing that can, eventually, bring you closer.

victory · 22 January 2007 at 10:58AM

I agree you have made the decision already but maybe just maybe when the baby comes she may change for the better, humans are capable of change it is whether they want to or not.....xxx

Welshlassie · 22 January 2007 at 11:10AM

Thank you for your comments, I think my main thing is guilt that she is going to end up lonely person and I will have contributed to it. I have made my decision, I just wanted someone to tell me it was the right decision because it is such a major step to take.

I have just spopken to my mum again and told her more of my thinking behind it and she agrees with me and wishes she had seen it before. Mum is also blaming herself for the way she is, saying she should have handled it differently when she was a child, which there was no way she could have done, she did what she felt was the best thing at the time.

I agree that she might change when the baby arrives, but also don't want to risk her not changing and having introduced her to the baby, then cut her off again, which is why I want her be aware of this now, so she has 6 months to change. I also need to do it know as in a few months time I want to be preparing for the birth of our child, not stressing about my sister.

bluebell13 · 22 January 2007 at 11:53AM

I agree with other posters. You have made your decision which must be very hard. If she does end up lonely you are not responsible. You have not made her who she is. However, cutting her out of your life may possible make her realise what she will be missing. Hopefully, she may think about the consequences of her behaviour. However, she may be jealous of your ability to cope and make a success of your life hence the behaviour at your wedding.
Congratulations on the baby, and sympathy about the sickness! Have been there although did not need hospitalisation.

cupid_s · 22 January 2007 at 11:54AM

Have you tried telling your sister you think she's selfish? Tell her exactly what you think of her and that you're considering cutting ties if she doesn't change as she's not the sort of person you want around your child. Just give her a chance to be different. If not at least you can say you tried to sort things.

play2day · 22 January 2007 at 12:51PM

Welshlassie. Your baby and your husband are your priorities now. I am sure that no matter what your personal feelings are you will do what is right for them. I can't tell you what that is. The only piece of advice that I think you need for this and most other situations in life if to always do what you believe to be right because even if it later transpires you were wrong you will know you did it for the right reasons.....

tinkerbelluk · 22 January 2007 at 1:21PM

Welshlassie - If I didn't know better I would sware you are talking about my sister!!!!

I know exactly what it's like and how hard these decissions can be but as everyone else has said, it's time to start worrying about you and your new family.

If you want to talk feel free to PM me :-)

Welshlassie · 22 January 2007 at 6:23PM

Well I tried phoning her to arrange a time to speak to her, she wouldn't answer her phone so I text her, but she has refused to come round or see me. I'm now going to put what I have to say in a letter and hope that she reads it without ripping it all up.

Thank you all for your comments.

glenstan · 22 January 2007 at 7:24PM

its about time she took responsibility for her own feelings and her own actions, you are not responsible for the way she acts towards you. lots of people need others to blame or shout at or even control, simply because they cannot face up to or are scared of taking responsibility for themselves

Dealing with selfish 25yo sister (v long)

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