What do I do now?? (v long)

count_rostov

Wouldn't it be a shame for the little cousins to not know each other when they're older?
In any case, congratulations.

hev_2

Hugs, wish I could help more. Hope these suggestions help, if they don't - well just think of me as a silly old bat.

You are hurting from years of neglect and indifference and you are suffering from PND. You have a whole lot on your plate including a little baby. You can't turn back the clock and make them behave properly, nor can you control your sister's behaviour and decisions. You can only deal with what you can control. That does not diminish or stop the hurt. PND will not help you at the moment.

Scream, shout, throw every teddy out the pram and make sure you are getting all the help and support you can with the PND. This, I hope, will start getting you in a better position to deal with it. Get counselling, get an urgent referral from your HV, get whatever it takes to get someone professional to help you deal with a very unpleasant situation and the debris from the past. You cannot rely on your parents for support so you NEED to get support from elsewhere.

While you are getting sorted out with that, cry all over your parents, tell them how you are suffering from PND and that you just can't cope. Lay it on with a trowel, win an Oscar for Most Depressed Mum. After all the upsets over the years, you can't possibly deal with your sister right now - but you will be happy to deal with it when you feel better. Then stall. Tell DH that you can't deal with it at the moment (which I think isn't far from the truth) and that when you are on an even keel you will think about it again.

I think you have had a moment of clarity about your sister, and I can't argue with it. However, a lot of the stress you are in comes from your family and also is exacerbated by your PND. You cannot lift weights with a broken arm, you cannot deal with spoiled brats and their enablers with PND.

I found when I was clinically depressed a lot of thoughts about bad things from my past kept circling round like vultures - it was awful, I couldn't get rid of the dark thoughts. Writing stuff down helped, but I didn't have a little one at the time and time is precious for you. Perhaps if you look at it like being on a diet - you will indulge in perhaps a small biscuit, but not a whole packet. So, you will plan for keeping your sister out of your life in small bursts, but refuse to talk about the matter with your family 'until you're better'. And stick to it.

Even is the advice is rubbish, it is really sincerely well meant and please, if you don't think the advice is helpful, please take it as a hug. There are loads of people on MSE and some are really, really nice and will be there for you.

Good luck

Bitsy_Beans

I have similar issues with my brother. Due to an unhealthy influence from his wife he has made some horrible comments about me and my relationship with my mum in particular. Our children were born within weeks of one another and it all stemmed from jealousy which I wasn't prepared to tolerate. I am not a believer that blood is thicker than water. I expect people regardless to whether I am related or not to treat me with respect. Just because I am related to someone does not give them the licence to treat me badly.
I think given your PND if you can't face a confrontation (which I don't think would get you anywhere anyway) I would quietly withdraw from the relationship as much as you can. Be civil if you have to see her (as I do with my brother) but I think you'll have to accept the way she is with your parents as I don't think this is likely to change any time soon.
I think izoomzoom hits the nail on the head and is probably better put than mine.
Sorry you're having to go through this.

Paparika

How about a big family meeting but with a mediator? is that possible, tell her exactly how it will be in the future, tell your parents to stop being so controlling over you about your sister.

beachbeth

January20 wrote: »

The problem with the idea of "blood is thicker than water" is that it allows certain family members to take advange of others.

You are not very well at the moment and your priority should be to get yourself well for your sake but also for your DS and your OH. If seing your sister is making you feel bad, don't see her, don't have anything to do with her if you don't want to.

Life is too short to spend it with people you don't like or make you feel bad, whether they are family or not!

When you feel better, you may decide otherwise but that's in the future.

I totally agree. It seems to me that your parents have always pandered to this girl probably because it was the easiest thing to do and it is also now just habit. I know of parents who do this and can't even see that they're doing it!

I have 2 daughters and my eldest has always been the most demanding. No matter how many things I bought her or how much attention I gave her, she would always maintain that I favoured her younger sister! I have always, and still do, endeavour to make things as fair as possible for both. I make sure neither one gets anything that the other doesn't and that I am reasonable to both, which isn't easy when you're dealing with 2 different personalities. My eldest isn't as bad as your sister and now that she is 20 is a lovely girl and quite popular too. I think this is probably due to the fact that I didn't treat her how your mum has always treated your sister. However, even though we have bought a car for her to run around in she will still immediately jump on us the minute we do anything for her younger sister!!! Her younger sister is very easy going and treats it as a joke!

I think I have maintained a healthy balance for the two of them (the car belongs to us and my younger daughter will have it to use, or a newer one, when she is the same age and has passed her test). Its a shame your mum couldn't have tried to do this sort of thing. It would have made your sister see that she has her place in the family and so do you.

However, its a fact that your parents want to continue to treat your sister in the same way they always have and I really don't see why you should put up with the results of this. I have difficult relatives myself and also suffer with depression so I know how difficult it can be to stick to your guns. However, I would use your depression as an excuse (not that it is an excuse its a valid reason!). I would tell your mum when you are feeling low and that you just cannot deal with your sister when you are like that. Use your depression to your advantage. Its such an awful thing to have that you may as well let it work for your benefit. Look after yourself, your son, your hubby and then any energy you have left is to talk to your parents and not to argue with or about your sister.

Welshlassie

count_rostov wrote: »

Wouldn't it be a shame for the little cousins to not know each other when they're older?
In any case, congratulations.

Thanks for the congratulations, but I don't think it would be a shame at all, with a mother like her, I dread to think what the child will turn out like. Also how to you explain to a small child (when they are old enough eg 2/3), why their mothers don't like eachother and speak?

shell_girl

Based on what you said in the first thread, it sounds as if you came to your decision quite quickly regarding your sister “I'd been talking to my SIL on the weekend about the whole situation (I get on with her fantastically) and it suddenly dawned on me that I don’t want the type of person my sister is, around my baby and I am willing to forfeit my entire relationship with her unless she changes. But to be realistic she has been like this for 25 years and not changed, why is she likely to in the next 6 months?

I haven't actually told her this yet…”.

I have no problem with you making that decision at all- I know how difficult siblings can be as my relationship with my sister is quite strained. I just can’t help thinking what a shock it must have been to your sister, who had been your bridesmaid and in regular contact with you to suddenly receive a letter from you saying that the relationship would end unless she changed dramatically. I think if you had received a similar letter from her out of the blue you may have felt hurt and defensive and perhaps quite critical of her?

All I would suggest is that you to consider the effect that this is having on your parents- and accept that it is you who has orchestrated this split and that your parents may not agree with what you have done. You could spend much more time with your parents if you were willing to visit them while your sister was at their house (as your Mum suggested). You said “I called them to ask if they wanted to go out for lunch one day as they hadn't seen DS for over 2 weeks, mum said she had dinner organised already, so they popped around to see us before for an hour they had dinner. I then dropped something around to their house unannounced later that evening to find my sister there having dinner, therefore the reason they could go out with us”… but if your parents had made dinner plans with your sister then why would you expect them to change those plans? I can only imagine how hurt you would be if your parents had made dinner plans with you and then cancelled them as your sister had invited them to eat with her… Your parents sound as if they are simply trying to carry on with their relationship with your sister as before which is their right- they probably just feel quite sad that you have removed yourself from the equation.

By your own admittance at this point even if your sister was to change dramatically then you still wouldn’t want to have a relationship with her- totally your prerogative as an adult. But as an adult you also need to accept that your parents may not agree with what you are doing- even if they are just trying to keep the peace and maintain a relationship with you both as much as this feud will allow.

From what I can see you’ve made your decision- so in answer to your question ‘What do I do now?’ I would suggest nothing. Hopefully in time you will get over the PND and will accept the decision you have made. If however you still feel unable to accept the ramifications of your decision (as I think is the case based on your posts) further down the line then perhaps then it may be worth considering if you made your decision too quickly? Until then enjoy your baby and your DH and concentrate on your immediate family unit.

Welshlassie

shell_girl wrote: »

Based on what you said in the first thread, it sounds as if you came to your decision quite quickly regarding your sister “I'd been talking to my SIL on the weekend about the whole situation (I get on with her fantastically) and it suddenly dawned on me that I don’t want the type of person my sister is, around my baby and I am willing to forfeit my entire relationship with her unless she changes. But to be realistic she has been like this for 25 years and not changed, why is she likely to in the next 6 months?

I haven't actually told her this yet…”.

I have no problem with you making that decision at all- I know how difficult siblings can be as my relationship with my sister is quite strained. I just can’t help thinking what a shock it must have been to your sister, who had been your bridesmaid and in regular contact with you to suddenly receive a letter from you saying that the relationship would end unless she changed dramatically. I think if you had received a similar letter from her out of the blue you may have felt hurt and defensive and perhaps quite critical of her?

Although it may seem I made the initial decision quite quickly I had been wondering what to do about the situation for several months and it only became clear after speaking to my SIL, I had tried to discuss it with her, but she wasn't interested. I only wrote to her because she refused to speak to me and felt this was the best way of bringing it out into the open.

shell_girl wrote: »

All I would suggest is that you to consider the effect that this is having on your parents- and accept that it is you who has orchestrated this split and that your parents may not agree with what you have done. You could spend much more time with your parents if you were willing to visit them while your sister was at their house (as your Mum suggested). You said “I called them to ask if they wanted to go out for lunch one day as they hadn't seen DS for over 2 weeks, mum said she had dinner organised already, so they popped around to see us before for an hour they had dinner. I then dropped something around to their house unannounced later that evening to find my sister there having dinner, therefore the reason they could go out with us”… but if your parents had made dinner plans with your sister then why would you expect them to change those plans? I can only imagine how hurt you would be if your parents had made dinner plans with you and then cancelled them as your sister had invited them to eat with her… Your parents sound as if they are simply trying to carry on with their relationship with your sister as before which is their right- they probably just feel quite sad that you have removed yourself from the equation.

I have spent the last 16 months considering the effect on my parents and the fact that they told me when I started this that they agreed with what I was doing and felt that it needed doing to try and get her to grow up. They were going to "cut her out of their will" at one point they were so anonyed with her, then she came waltzing back with a poor me attitude again and they swallowed it. I'm not saying they shouldn't have, but I'm fed up of hearing how they find her so anonying and aren't going to tollerate her nonsense any more and then go back on everything they say. I'd rather they just didn't tell me.

I agree I would feel upset if they cancelled on me, but all mum said about dinner was she had dinner planned, she didn't say it was because sister was going over. I just wanted her to be honest with me, she made it sound like we weren't important enough to change dinner plans, just because she had something out of the freezer.

Thank you for your comments. I just wish it was as easy as saying I don't want anything to do with her and mum and dad to accept this and leave me alone, but it doesn't happen like that and the more they go on about it, the worse I feel, the more unstable I am mental and therefore the harder I am finding it to deal with and the more I am resenting mum & dad for making me feel like this. Vicious circle.

Welshlassie

Paparika wrote: »

How about a big family meeting but with a mediator? is that possible, tell her exactly how it will be in the future, tell your parents to stop being so controlling over you about your sister.

We have had family counselling of various natures since I was a small girl, mainly due to sister's behaviour. It didn't work then, because the advice was all ignored (eg no shouting, lasts a couple of days and mum & dad are shouting at her again), the chance of it working again is even slimmer.

We would go to 4 or 5 sessions then mum and dad would declare it wasn't working and go back to the way things were before until it got too much again and they would find another service and the cycle started over.

Welshlassie

I have recently returned from my GP and have started the wheels for counselling myself, but my GP agreed that for my own frame of mind, it may be in the future that I don't continue a relationship with her and mum and dad learn that it isn't going to happen and don't discuss either of us with the other. I can't see it happening though. I just wish mum and dad would hurry up and move to Spain as they keep saying they will, as it would solve alot of the problems. They are due to go in 18 months or so. As much as I would miss them, they wouldn't be on my back constantly to "make it up" with sister.