difficult situation re children

something_girl

perhaps the PWC wasn't the instigator of the break-up, that's usually when people are left bitter, no matter how rubbish the relationship was.

dipsy

galvanizersbaby wrote: »

Dipsy

As Marker says how long have they been separated? - it certainly sounds as though this lady is bitter towards your O/H for some reason?

Hi guys

they have been seperated for 2 years, after a couple of years of it gradually breaking down - pressures from business/time apart etc....

I can't really see a way around all of this and I know at the end of the day it is the children that are suffering.

I guess if the children weren't so far away then things would be so much easier...

Her reasons for moving them so far away was that she would have a good support network around her, but when asked if her mum or her boyfriend could assist with some of the arrangements for the holidays and my partner stating that he was ok with this, her answer was, they are your responsibility and not anyone elses and not to be so patronising as she didn't need his permission to allow them to be cared for by anyone else.


going for a strong coffee now ...... wonder if there is any baileys in the works fridge

Question - if he sought legal advice could he set out some more structured visits etc ?

thanks to all of you for your advice.....


x

something_girl

it does indeed sound like a case, ideal for legal intervention (I dealt with many similar cases in my previous job in family law).... but... obviously it depends how much cash your OH is prepared to invest in this getting to Court.

How about if your OH, his ex, her current partner and you all arrange a meeting, minus the kids, to sort this out once and for all, failing that, or failing the cooperation from the ex, you do need to be seeking legal advice to come to a set of arrangements that everyone will stick by, or rather a set of arrangements that all parties are 'obliged' to stick to.

Marker_2

Ok, I feel there is more than meets the eye to this story, but a little bit of advise nonetheless.

As unreasonable as the ex is being it has nothing to do with you, the more you get involved the more unreasonable she will be. Your OH needs to talk to the ex, with no mention of you in it at all mind. Just because you are with your OH doesnt mean you have any say or responibility over the children. Thats just the way it is! Unfair if you are giving the kids your love and attention, but thats life!

I strongly advise your partner to go down and talk to the ex face to face about this, they need to be reasonable about it. If that doesnt work then through the courts with him having joint custody is my only other suggestion!

something_girl

if the children are staying with the OP in her home, during contact, then it is her business as to the arrangements. just my opinion.

hobo28

dipsy wrote:

partner due to have children this coming weekend, his ex has then stated she wants him to have the children fri - wed as she has no childcare and its 1/2 term....

I think the problem here is that ex is so used to dictating terms and the threats of non-compliance to her terms have become the norm that she feels she can simply get away with it.

The question is at what point is your partner going to make his stand? How does he feel about this? Its going to have to be his decision. He can continue to take the crap in order to continue to see the kids on her terms. Or risk losing it all to make a stand and come to a fixed agreement either in court or by agreement. Its a big decision.

Personally I would have replied that you cannot return them on Wednesday because of transport problems. If thats a show stopper then there seems little point in him travelling down to collect them on the Friday.

The first time you refuse to comply with her she will go nuts and threaten all sorts. Thats because she's used to you both dancing to her tune and having control over you. But from the sounds of things she needs your partner to look after the kids so she can have a bit of a life so its in her interests too to continue the arrangement. Of course she could be the type who would just cut off her nose to spite her face.

I remember when my ex & I first broke up. There was a time where she was swapping jobs every couple of months and expected me to re-arrange my life around whatever new job she had taken on. In the end I had to take a stand and told her in no uncertain terms that her days are her problems. She could ask me by all means but I could say no. At first i too had the threats of being taken to court until i pointed out that the judge is likely to be very confused at the fact she had taken me to court so she could see her own kids less!

If he does stand up to her then in the short term he will take a lot of flak. He will also probably see the kids less. He may even lose contact all together if she's vindictive enough.

I don't envy you both but at some point the line must be drawn. Its just a matter of when enough is enough.

Curv

The biggest cause of absent dads (and mums) losing all contact with their children is because of their hostility and nastiness towards the parent with care.

Lady_S wrote: »

That comes across as quite bitter.

I would say the main cause for absent parents not seeing their children is hostility between both parents. I don't think it just comes from one direction.

Whilst I don't think the PWC thing is always true I don't think it sounded bitter. I tried (hand on heart) so hard to be reasonable with my ex but was subjected to a whole catalogue of vitriolic, twisted and spiteful behaviour from him and his new partner resulting in him becoming the parent with care and me finding it increasingly difficult to maintain regular 'quality' contact with my son without his father and step-mother seriously damaging my mental health. As he got older he saw what was happening and was able to maintain contact with me himself but he died when he was just 17. Not a day goes by that I don't bitterly regret not having fought to the death to be able to see him more - but hindsight is a wonderful thing and I did what I thought was best for everyone at that time.

Lady S, are you basing your [emboldened] comment on statistics or just a guess?

dispy - I'd say your OH has to go for it and get a solicitor pronto... the ex can hardly make things much more difficult for him, can she? I had a friend in a similar situation quite recently - her ex husband used all sorts of crappy tricks to keep her kids away from her but as soon as it got to court it was sorted... the Judge saw straight through him and did what was best for the children by ordering the ex to go back to the previous arrangements of 50/50 access/custody immediately. He was told that the kids would be taken away from him altogether if he didn't start acting in their best interests.

Lady_S

Curv wrote: »

Lady S, are you basing your [emboldened] comment on statistics or just a guess?

Because I think it is genuinely unfair for someone to come on here and say it is always the PWC or the NRP who are the cause of problems. It takes two.

My OH is an NRP, he has dreadful problems akin to dipsy regarding access.

I sit next to a lady at work and I see her regularly putting the boot in with her ex to try and 'screw his plans'.

Curv

Lady_S wrote: »

Because I think it is genuinely unfair for someone to come on here and say it is always the PWC or the NRP who are the cause of problems. It takes two.

I agree that it's not always one or the other (PWC or NRP) but the majority of cases I have experience of, one parent tries to be adult about it and has the children's best interests at heart and the other seems hell bent on making their life difficult, no matter what effect it has on the children. I can't bring any case to mind where both were spiteful and only one where both were completely reasonable.

Agree to differ?